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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel insecure and I can't shake it

18 replies

InsecureToo · 30/11/2022 18:43

I was/am dating a guy. Everything was going really well and I started to fall for him. We had been taking things slow but it was still intense. Things over the last few weeks have changed though. I'm not really sure what has happened but I'm starting to feel insecure and I'm not sure whether I can trust him. Something in my gut says to just walk away but I honestly thought I'd found a good one. I have previously been in a shite relationship so I don't trust my own judgements. I don't want to potentially ruin something good but is it?!

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 30/11/2022 21:03

If you go against your own judgements, you end up in a relationship with someone you don't trust. Is that what you want? Can it be a good thing, if you have a lingering feeling of suspicion?

It doesn't really matter if you're right or wrong. Trust is a feeling, not a fact. Find someone you have good feelings with, through and through, and consistently. Not listening to your own instincts is why you ended up in a shite relationship, presumably? Unless your ex is an angel?

Opal2022 · 30/11/2022 22:02

If your feeling is based on no specific events could it be relationship anxiety kicking in now that you are falling for him and feel you have something good to lose.

Original poster

InsecureToo · 30/11/2022 22:09

@Watchkeys no I don't want to be with someone I don't feel I can trust. It's a huge thing for me and I can't fully explain what changed but something did about a month ago and I keep pulling away. It's like all of a sudden my feelings, my day to day life isn't important to him. I don't understand where we are headed any more and I don't know where I stand. It's a confusing position to be in.

@Opal2022 something changed about a month ago. The way we communicate everything. The dynamic changed and it is now confusing. I want to go back to how it was before but I don't think it will.

OP posts:

Yepsure · 30/11/2022 22:18

@InsecureToo

’, my day to day life isn't important to him. I don't understand where we are headed any more and I don't know where I stand. It's a confusing position to be in.’

can you elaborate on that maybe ? Was he asking about your life/ day etc then stopped

when you say you don’t understand where you stand , did you previously feel clear on that ? Had he said anything about that earlier in the relationship that made you clearer in the beginning?

something2say · 30/11/2022 22:22

In what way did the dynamic change?

peycho · 30/11/2022 22:32

What do you mean? Like did the communication slow down? Did he stop seeing you as much? What happened?

Original poster

InsecureToo · 01/12/2022 02:45

Yes he would ask all about my day. What I had been up too. Who I had seen etc. Then just nothing or worse I'd tell him and he'd forget and literally told me it was unimportant to him. That stung.

Communication slowed down and became almost out of a sense of duty rather than wanting to talk to me. I was getting just one word replies to messages and plans were then getting cancelled or changed last minute. I just couldn't understand what was going on and I tried to ask but got shot down so I took a step back and this has made things worse. I'm not sure I can pull it back now.

The last time I saw him he spent a large portion on his phone.

OP posts:

NopeNotHere · 01/12/2022 03:00

This alone is reason enough to know that it’s best for you to move on. He’s literally telling you that you’re not important to him any more. Tell him it’s over and don’t waste any more time on him. Life is too short.

mindwanderer · 01/12/2022 04:12

InsecureToo · 01/12/2022 02:45

Yes he would ask all about my day. What I had been up too. Who I had seen etc. Then just nothing or worse I'd tell him and he'd forget and literally told me it was unimportant to him. That stung.

The last time I saw him he spent a large portion on his phone.

His honeymoon is over.
Trust your instincts. Move on.
I experienced similar recently and confronted him with my feelings, he was honest enough to say he's rightfully changed because he was no longer keen to commit in a relationship. I friend-zoned him instantly and put myself back out there.

milkyway512 · 01/12/2022 05:05

Hi, I’m not a mum but a lurker on here who occasionally posts. I just wanted to say I think your gut is right and you deserve better. 💐

Watchkeys · 01/12/2022 09:28

It's a confusing position to be in

'Confusing' is a red flag in a relationship. Particularly a new one. The right person for you will want to communicate clearly, they'll want to make sure you understand the things they say and do in the way that they're meant, and that will be kindly. If there's any confusion in a healthy relationship, it will be a priority of both parties to talk it through until there is no confusion.

If you don't have that as a basis, you don't have a relationship. It's meant to be something you do, like anything else, because you prefer it to not doing it. It's not supposed to be a bewildering puzzle that you can't seem to solve.

Opal2022 · 01/12/2022 09:35

From your update it sounds like there has been specific things that made you feel like this. This is your inner voice alerting you, listen to it. Personally from what you’ve said I would move on from this relationship, it will wreck your head trying to figure him/the relationship out. When you’re with the right person you’ll never be left wondering where you stand with them. If he’s not interested in your day to day life now what will he be like in a years time. You deserve better.

Pesimistic · 01/12/2022 10:48

If you've not already, I'd dump him. He's changed his mind for what ever reason and isn't interested. Don't waste anymore time waiting for it to go back to how it was, because it won't as he wasn't all that interested in the first place if he can change like that.

Opentooffers · 01/12/2022 11:56

Tbh, sounds a bit like the last one I dated - the slow fade while he was talking and maybe dating others. Once you become down the list of priorities it's sometimes because they are busy chasing the next shiny new thing. Time to move on I feel, with dignity intact.

CYT67 · 01/12/2022 12:08

It’s clear to me. He has lost interest. You are probably now in the “she will do for now but I’ll see if anything better comes along” category.

Bring it to an end before you get hurt.

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 12:18

Sorry @InsecureToo. You're not being insecure. You are noticing very a glaring change in his level of interest and effort and you are responding to that. Anyone in your shoes would feel unsettled and insecure.

It's obvious he's checked out. If you want to preserve your dignity and fund closure, I would end it with him now instead of going along with the painful slow fade he's doing.

Original poster

InsecureToo · 01/12/2022 21:54

You are all right and my gut is right. I tried to engage today and fuck me it was painful. It isn't making me happy. This level of second guessing isn't for me. I don't want to be a needy pathetic mess. I've had a strong talk with myself and I'm going to hold firm.

Plus he absolutely ruin it for me when he told me to shut up. Yeah... Nope I'm out.

OP posts:

Whatacrocof · 01/12/2022 23:11

I ignored my gut instinct for over two years with my Ex and he got worse with communication and how he spoke to me. Never again!

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