Dead in the Water

[Rooterfruit]

I asked my husband why he is 80% of the time so mean to me. He replied “this relationship is dead in the water”. I said why are we together then, he replied “we have kids and commitments”
when I wanted to ask if he really meant that, he then brushed me off like I was over reacting to his words.
I am not sure what to do next. Our sex life has been bad the past year, going from three times a week to once every 6 months. Just over night.

End it. He's given up.

If you split will be want 50/50 childcare?

Yes - can you handle that?
No - stay until youngest moves out and plan a life alone after that
Yes - leave and take the kids

No - leave and take the kids

What a horrible thing for him to say to you @Rooterfruit is there anything else going on in his life that might be making him this way?

What a piece of shit.

Time to re assess what you do for him.

Clearly he has checked out I suggest you do the same.

No cooking, cleaning, washing, admin, sorting his life out, just everthing.
No sex.

Gather financial information together, he may well say to stay together because of the children but he is treating you with uter contempt, he may well have had his head turned, find out and act accordingly.

What a disrespectful arsehole he is.

How long have you been together ?

He’s checked out of the relationship. He’s told you. He’s either no romantic feelings for you anymore, is having an affair, is an absolute aresehole, or all 3.

If he won’t engage, isn’t up for trying to save the relationship with counselling etc then do you think spending another 20+ years with him won’t destroy you?

Or maybe he’s waiting for kids to get through GCSE and will just walk out like my friends partner did.

Take control of the situation. Stop trying to make him do something to fix it. He won’t. He’s ok with the status quo of you being a mother and wife and taking on the emotional load etc of running a home and family whilst not being emotionally supportive or receptive.

start looking at options or creating them.
Divorce won’t ruin yours or your children’s lives. It will give them a stronger better mother to look up to.

good luck.

Sounds very much like my XH when he was having an affair, sorry to say.

How long have you been married OP How old are your children and how long has he been behaving like this ?

Thank you everyone. We have been together for 18 yrs, three kids, all three have special needs.
I approached him again tonight about what he said. He told me it’s a pointless conversation, and he doesn’t have time for pointless talk.
I asked him why he was so mean and he said do me a favour and brushed me off. Will not communicate. I told him to remember this conversation, I’m not going to be his emotional punching bag anymore. He is angry and mean all the time for no reason. We have a lovely home, three beautiful kids. But he’s like a stone wall.
There isn’t another woman, he is at home all the time working.

Life's too short. Start making plans to divorce the miserable fucker.

He doesn't love you. Possibly hasn't for a long time and rather than communicating has bottled it up to the point where something snapped he now actively dislikes you. he probably wanted out ages ago but felt trapped by the financial realities of divorce.

Write yourself a 'to do' list and at the top, put DIVORCE.

Then, go through what needs to be done to get rid of this joy sucking arsehole.

Life is short, don't waste time with someone who doesn't love you or cherish you or want to be with you.

i can imagine that a long marriage and three kids with special needs must not have been easy for either of you. And I’d guess it can put any relationship under strain.

Adding to that general aging; and the recent years of continuous stresses and bad news.
If you think about your relationship; how it had been recently and before things changed for the worse - is there anything you can guess that hasn’t worked and snowballed over the years? What about lockdown?
He does sound unpleasant, but also unhappy, hurt and given up.

I don’t know if this can be saved or not, but before anything - you two need to start communicating. And that starts with recognising each other’s feelings.
He seems to not be able to verbalise his side. If you aren’t ready to just give up too - you may have to make a first step.

His reason you are still together is that you have dc. So think about it, when those dc are older is he saying he'll just up and leave? He is being horrible to you for a reason. why on earth would someone make their homelife horrible for their partner and themselves unless there is a reason for it.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row if I were you.

You say hes at home all the time. Are you home all the time too? I know you say there is not another woman, but what he is doing and saying is absolutely typical of someone having an affair. Pretending their relationship is rubbish, to justify it. Stopping sex. Refusing to discuss why. Why would you want to stay with someone who is basically saying they can't stand you and considers your relationship as 'dead'.

I agree with another PP. he has checked out and refusing to talk to you about it. I suggest you stop doing things for him. Stop doing his washing, his cooking, any admin stuff you do for him. if he wants you to play your part in the relationship, then he has to also and that starts with talking to you about whats going on.