Escorts, sexual assault and marriage

[JaniAnne]

I’ll try and keep this brief as possible. In a nutshell, my marriage has been on a decline for years and had involved an enormous amount of sexual coercion and instances of r*pe. A lot of which I had suppressed for a number of years but after spending time away from him this year I realised how much anxiety consumes me when we are in the same house. I can’t sleep and I have lost all motivation for my work and things that I enjoy, my spark and zest for life is gone. I have fairly young children and don’t want to expose them to a relationship which consists of two adults just existing in the same household, I feel that this is setting a terrible example to them. He’s said he wants to make amends and is sorry but I am the account holder for our phone I can see that he communicates with escorts almost every time he is away on business. Not sure what the best way to approach this is, hence why I’m here asking, but he’s good with the kids and I don’t want to make it a traumatic experience for them with a messy separation, I want to make it as amicable as possible. I’ve done my best to keep my mouth shut about what I know but living in limbo is just starting to take its toll.

‘He’s good with the kids’

He’s a rapist, love. You know you have to leave.

i would take the bill by the horns and get legal advice straight away, start preparing for divorce. I couldn’t live with this person and you sound like you have had enough. Rape?! My goodness, please OP call it a day and call the police…

You can't control if a split becomes messy. He's abusive and therefore unlikely to be amicable.

Splitting is still the right thing to do though given what he has done.

You can be as amicable as you want, but you have no control over how he reacts. I’d be less worried about the kids seeing you both just existing in the same house and instead consider the impact on them of living in a house where their mum is being abused - because if they don’t know it now they will over time.

You deserve to live a safe, peaceful life as do yourself children. He’s abusive, there are no amends to be made and he’s likely to become more abusive when you decide to leave. I’d start planning now, get yourself in the best position financially, explore your options re housing etc and leave.

Rescue the rest of your life starting from today. You know you will recover without him in your life so get the wheels of separation and divorce turning now. Just focus on your end goal. Well done for recognising the abuse which of course would not change we've all heard that story before.

And the escort thing is just the final nail in the coffin, but given he rapes you you hardly need any more nails.

If he's sexually coercive then - simply put - he's coercive which means a split won't be pretty. Sorry. But there's no point in sugar-coating it.

You need support. The good news is he travels for business so that will hopefully give you time to do what you need/collect info/speak to Women's Aid. I cannot stress enough that you will need IRL help with this, but you are absolutely doing the right thing. 100%.

You really have to leave this man as safely as quickly as possible. He is raping you.

Thank you so much for all of your words of reason. It's been very reassuring to hear external confirmation of what I already know. His terrible physical behaviours towards me have stopped for a few months now so I guess I am "safe" in my own home for the time being whilst I organise my financials and plan the exit. I have contacts in the right places (legal etc) if/when I need to use them. It's just the mental and emotional games he plays that absolutely exhaust me now, and things like him telling me that he is broke when I already know he spent hundreds on escorts

Women’s aid and also contact your local women’s centre if you have one.

OP you can’t sugar coat it, you need to get out of this relationship ASAP. The kids will be fine.

You need to get out of this situation as soon as you can. I'd be inclined to call women's aid today, speak to someone about what is going on, find support now. I can guarantee you as soon as he knows your looking for a way out the worm will turn! Be mindful of this, keep your plans secret and plan your exit ASAP. Sending love and strength your way.

Thank you so much for that. I've spoken to womens aid in my home country and they are very supportive, the support in the country I'm currently in is shocking so I've not bothered to pursue it. Just getting myself sorted to move back to my home country and be in a far more favourable position and actually have support. If I ended things here I would be incredibly alone and stuck.

Yes, pack all essentials and go on a “holiday” home.

She says she hax young kids ..... Hague convention (!)

Yeah exactly why I'm doing everything slow and keeping the peace while I make the move, as much as it absolutely kills me to have to just shut up and deal with it for now

Hav you had very good legal advice about moving the children?

Very very good advice.

I've got some very good contacts in this area who advised me on the convention earlier in the year, and am going through the correct motions to avoid being unable to take the kids out of the country

I think if women only knew how many men contact escorts when they are away on business they would get an almighty shock. Im not sure if escorts are just becoming more mainstream but it seems to be something that we cant get away from. Especially in places like Australia

Good.

I think in your position, I would close my eyes to the use of prostitutes and do my best to appear as if intending to stay with him.

I'd concentrate on quietly & covertly manoeuvring to get yourself and the kids to your preferred country. Once safe there, free yourself of him.

I'm sorry you've experienced this and hope things work out for you.

enormous amount of sexual coercion and instances of rpe*

It is not realistic to think that you can create an amicable non messy divorce out of a marriage like this. Don't even try. You will bend yourself so far out of shape getting distracted by trying to keep the peace and be reasonable, while he continues to shaft you without a thought for you or the children.

Keep your eyes on where you're going and get there as quickly and cleanly as possible. He's not your friend and he's not about to become your friend.

Amicable divorces are not some kind of gold standard to acheive or hold yourself to, and if you don't have an amicable marriage, it will be impossible. Accept that.

The use of escorts and prostitues is currently a side issue, keep your focus on getting you and your children out of there. Get real life advice, keep your plans secret, don't tell anyone other than maybe a couple of people who aren't connected to him that you trust implicitly, and make sure your don't leave a trail online.

It's rife. Way back in the 80s my boyfriend told me one of our married friends had had sex with a prostitute whilst in Amsterdam. I was shocked and disgusted at him at the time but I kind of put it down to a one-off kind of thing that is likely to happen when drunken young men are in a red-light district.

What a fool I was to have this mindset for so long.

'Normal' married guys, respectable men, they do it too, given half a chance. God knows what goes through their minds.

My husband has recently told me that most of his business associates were doing it on business jollies which covered the past three decades. Picking up prostitutes who were readily available in hotel bars. This is men with wives and young children at home. These men seem to think nothing of it. They compartmentalise. They treat a prostitute-transaction in the same way I'd go out and buy a sneaky chocolate bar!

Everyone here will know someone who has visited a prostitute, without a doubt. Even men you'd think who would never do it (and say that they would never have sex with a prostitute and that they would find it disgusting) do it.

Thought I'd put an update here.
Everything ended up blowing up and I called it quits. Both residing in seperate houses and is a bit up and down in terms of being amicable and he is very much still trying to control me but my next step is getting legal advice so that he doesn't completely screw me over.

Good that you're out of there. Keep safe.