It's over but I clearly need help with boundaries.Advice appreciated please.

[itsfinallyup]

I'm a regular poster, lots of name changes and have been reported on occasion for what posters believed to be less than genuine.I can assure you I'm not. I broke up with my partenr in the last few days as he was angry in front of my very anxious child despite being in the wrong himself, let me down badly surrounding an operation, gave me silent treatment ,did the whole DARVO thing and was generally being a dick.He still maintains that he was being reasonable. We wer etogether for two years, didnt live together and saw eachother mainly when my kids werent around. He could be very kind, thoughtful, loving and a good listener.My first relationship a year out of a 20 year marriage, two years after it finished. I was no angel.I could be irrational, had trust issues ..as husband cheated...have zero tolerance of exes on social media or indeed irl. But I am also giving, loving and generally kind. We had a couple of general disagreements that I posted about in the two years. I was not happy that he kept his exes and ex dates on social media and liked their photos..nothing sexy, but still... He got rid of them. He was very unwell last year, had psychosis and emailed his ex partner for general chit chat through that episode.He did tell her about me but suggested they meet for a coffee sometime.When confronted, he had no recollection of this and was very contrite and cried alot.He also did some other stuff through that episode that was out of character. We had an argument then some months ago where I was unreasonable but it was met with silent treatment, punishment and a nastiness. I wrote on here about him having noisy fun in the shower as punishment if you remember. Eventually we reconciled but after this most recent episode we are finally and truly over.He is blocked on everything,no way of contacting me now. He was angry and impatient in front of my child, was not apologetic and generally horrid.I wrote about how we really only ever met eow and when we did it was generally fanatastic.I was flamed for saying that among other things we enjoyed a great intimate life , but really that was only part of wht it meant to me.He was a great addition to my otherwise busy and stressful life and a break from my reality. I'm here tonight to ask for guidance for the future , how to create boundaries and stick with them, how to spot the nastiness earlier and what advice can you give me bearing in mind that I am not an angel but believe in love and equal partnership. I must apologise for lack of paragraphs as my pc is jacked .Thanks in advance.

I think the best reason you have to stick to your boundaries is that you have a child to protect. You don't want them growing up thinking these kids of relationships are normal.

As for spotting red flags sooner in future, well, you are just out of something incredibly toxic so you don't need to worry about that too much right now. Avoud dating again for...I'd say at least 18months. And over that time period, do plenty of reading on how to spot abusers. And refresh your memory on it throughout your life from time to time. Make use of YouTube for videos on how to spot narcissists too.

Know that if anyone makes you feel rushed, uncomfortable or like you don't have a right to your own feelings or boundaries, that is a red flag. Hold people accountable for their actions (by that I mean, if you wouldn't excuse that behaviour from YOU towards someone else, done excuse it in them towards you).

And if in doubt, there's always mumsnet.

Well done on getting him out of your life!

Thank you for your response .I remember your name from previous posts.So you think he is a narcissist ... My children are number ,one like us all, of course, so this final act of headfuckery was my reason to say goodbye and good luck for good.

Could be a narcissist, could be any other brand of similar psycho. But the videos on narcissists will be a help either way. They deal with showing you how people with entitled minds like him operate. So they're a good base to start on.

Thanks.I am one of those people who see the good in others and can hardly believe that I cant see the wood for the trees so to speak.I can hardly believe that his meaness to me or my child could be deliberate.I see him with othe rkids an dhe is so playful and full on fun.Not my child though, nor his son who has ASD.He is very formal almost with them. no fun, n o nonsense.

The good stuff is an act to make him look good. With his kid he doesnt really have to pretend - as he is stuck with him.

If you read up on characters like Ted bundy, many people thought he was a great guy all together. But he wasn't, he was evil. There are a lot of evil people walking about. Not all of them murder. But they are rotten all the same. And often people don't see it until its too late. Probably for reasons like you describe - looking for the good in others and ignoring the bad because 'oh but he's lovely with kids'.

Hust remember it isn't your job to find the good in anyone and bring it out. You are not rehab for damaged men. Good people are good and do good and don't need help with it.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic or make us distrust people as it shows you have a kind heart to want to see the best in people. But you matter and your boundaries matter. And if someone treats you like shit, don't hang around because they said that one nice thing last Tuesday.

If they display ANY evil - run and don't look back.

I really never thought of him as evil.Damaged, yes. He was very kind and loving but gosh could he be nasty. I remember once he said he wouldnt allow his wife out with a particular person becasue she was such abad influence ie other men outside of her marriage etc.Ipulled him up on this and explained that I'd never be told what to do or with whom and he back tracked immediately.I was recently out with friends two weekends in a row.. jokingly he said.... thats two weekends, just sayin ....

I think we use 'damaged' to explain to ourselves why they behave the way they do. But there are lots of people who are damaged in various ways and manage not to control, manipulate and abuse their partners.

It's a hard pill to swallow that someone we care about, doesn't feel that way for us. Isn't capable of it. Let alone - means us harm. So we tie ourselves in knots trying to excuse their actions as misunderstandings, as past traumas that explain their behaviour, as depression or alcohol issues or whatever else.

But when you get right down to it, the simplest answer is usually the truth. That they just aren't nice human beings. And that they don't actually care about you or indeed, anyone but themselves. Apart from when they're getting sadistic enjoyment from your suffering.

Not saying that their damages can't add to their abusive nature of course.

But maybe it would help you best to ignore the why they act as they do and focus on the fact that they do it.

Good posts @Pinkbonbon