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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel a bit low

20 replies

Brightstar29 · 29/11/2022 20:08

I met this guy in April but it’s been a really slow burner, we were talking daily and started out as friends but have been exclusively dating since August.

He’s 34 and I’m 30, neither of us have dc yet. He came out a 14 year relationship 3 years ago and I’m the first person he has properly dated since then. Seeing each other pretty much every weekend and staying over, don’t see each other too often during the week due to both being busy and working full-time. I sensed him go a bit quiet over the past few days, and we spoke on the phone tonight where I directly asked him what was up. He states that he’s possibly overthinking things and he has romantic feelings for me however thought he would have got to the love point by now. I asked him if he was wanting to break it off due to how he was sounding and he said he doesn’t.

Neither of us have mentioned anything about love and I wouldn’t expect it this early. I asked him directly if he could see it going somewhere and he said “I don’t not see it going anywhere” and said that his feelings are building but slowly. The other day at the weekend when he was at mine he was talking about buying Christmas presents for each other and going away for a weekend early next year.

Its not the first time something like this has happened because there was a time earlier on In our dating where he withdrew a bit and said he felt he was focusing too much on our differences but still wanted to carry on seeing me, but things were fine for ages until this recent wobble, and when we are together things are great, very affectionate and I feel very relaxed.

I said to him I don’t wanna get messed about and he said it’s not his intention. I personally think he’s putting too much pressure on himself and overthinking things but then him doing that is making me anxious and I told him that. It’s also brought me back down to earth a bit and put me on my guard again. I really want things to work out because we click so well and I’m really starting to feel something for the guy.

OP posts:
Brightstar29 · 29/11/2022 20:38

Bump

OP posts:
YoSofi · 29/11/2022 20:41

How does he want things to go now?

Was he just being honest about his feelings? August is quite recent, I know you knew each other before but if you’ve only been exclusive since then it’s fine to not be at the “love” stage yet.

Brightstar29 · 29/11/2022 20:45

@YoSofi he says that he wants us to keep dating. Exactly so I’m not sure why he’s overthinking it and the fact that he is has made me anxious.

OP posts:
YoSofi · 29/11/2022 20:46

What did he say when you said it made you anxious? Did he reassure you?

Brightstar29 · 29/11/2022 20:52

@YoSofi it was the withdrawing and saying he had been in a “strange mood” (which I forgot to add) and that it was to do with us. This was before I phoned him where we talked it out and that bit is pretty much summarised above x

OP posts:
YoSofi · 29/11/2022 20:55

It’s a really tough one, because he’s allowed to be honest about where he’s at right now but the pulling away isn’t ok.

I’ve been in a relationship like that and you end up walking on eggshells, feeling anxious and waiting for the next time.

I guess you need to decide if you’re ok with the situation as it is, If someone makes you feel anxious and unsure about where you stand do you really want to be in a relationship with them?

Rockingchai · 30/11/2022 07:17

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for a year, it’s long distance so we only see each other for a block of a few days every couple of weeks or so. We were both a couple of years
out of very long term relationships.

For the first few months it was very full-on, he adored me, I felt like backing off. Then for the next few months I felt he was backing off and I really worried, felt anxious, like things were going backward and would end at any time. It was a very unsettling period.

We did separate for 7 weeks and it turned out he was having major wobbles about whether he could commit long term to my son (when actually I don’t want him to be a step parent or move in with me and want to keep my relationship fairly separate). Since we got back together two months ago it feels like everything is balanced, we are finally able to say we love each other, I feel more and more secure. I suppose I’m just saying it often takes a long time to find your feet in a relationship, especially if you are coming out of something else very long term. Feelings come in phases while you try and discover where you are and what you want. It’s still very early days for you (and for me).

supercali77 · 30/11/2022 07:26

Im gonna sound brutal but I probably would call it off. Youre still young at 30 but... Do you want kids? I know its early days but twice now he's talked about his feelings not developing as he thought they would. However long other people feel is right for feelings to develop, he's the best authority on himself. And he's openly saying it. Whether he wants to keep dating or not is not an imperative for you to keep going. Weighing it up, how long do you want to give this?

Brightstar29 · 30/11/2022 08:20

Yeah I do want kids and so does he. The thing is when we are together it’s great and he really does a lot for me without me asking (helping me with practical stuff) and being very affectionate.

I still feel low in mood and a bit drained this morning. Feel like I’m going to naturally withdraw a little bit. He’s reassured me he has feelings for me and wants us to keep dating. I really don’t know what’s best because I really like him.

OP posts:
Rockingchai · 30/11/2022 09:09

I was the same though - openly saying to my boyfriend I was worried our feelings hadn’t developed as they should. I felt it was going backward. I wouldn’t give up yet. But only you can decide and if you are still unhappy in a month or two, maybe that will be the time to call it off

supercali77 · 30/11/2022 09:50

Thats pretty natural OP. To feel a little more guarded and withdrawn after someone says something like that. Maybe see how it goes but give yourself the safety of a timeframe. When you'd want to see more positive progression by?

As much as you like him there are others who you can like just as much and feel the same way about you without hesitation. Just don't sell yourself short.

candycane10 · 30/11/2022 10:00

Brightstar29 · 30/11/2022 08:20

Yeah I do want kids and so does he. The thing is when we are together it’s great and he really does a lot for me without me asking (helping me with practical stuff) and being very affectionate.

I still feel low in mood and a bit drained this morning. Feel like I’m going to naturally withdraw a little bit. He’s reassured me he has feelings for me and wants us to keep dating. I really don’t know what’s best because I really like him.

I would feel exactly the same as you OP.

I get that he's being honest about his feelings and that's usually a positive but i find it weird that he's randomly tell you he doesn't love you yet when there is zero pressure in the relationship.....

Personally I'd take it as him telling me he's not sure about us and I'd put my guard up too

Rachael182 · 30/11/2022 10:03

Is my Nuby Rapid Cool faulty?

Only purchased couple days ago, the instructions show lid will be Amber or Red as too hot and wait until Green to use but my lid always shows green, the flask however does cool the milk down (tested on wrist before feeding my baby)

Brightstar29 · 30/11/2022 10:53

If this one doesn’t work out I’m taking myself out of dating for a long time. It’s so confusing because his actions when we are together are saying he’s really into it but then he comes out with stuff like this. I just feel a bit numb and confused.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 30/11/2022 10:57

Honestly? If you're not in love with each other after 3 months you're never going to be. Call it off and save yourself the time and energy on this one. Let this person go and the best man you date could be your long term DP.

Perridot · 30/11/2022 11:26

I think you’ve been together long enough to know if you love each other by now. I would let this one go. But don’t take yourself out of dating for a long time if you want kids. Dust yourself off and try again. Dating is a numbers game

Brightstar29 · 30/11/2022 12:06

He said his feelings for me are building but slowly. My feelings for him are building. The people who are saying we should be madly in love after after 3 months surely that is a bit soon for that level of love?

OP posts:
supercali77 · 30/11/2022 12:10

As a PP said, if this ends, I wouldnt let this put you off dating for long. We can never ensure someone we meet is straight with us or right for us, what matters is whether we recognise an issue and react in our own best interests. And you're doing exactly that. The disconnect between how he is and person and him saying this has rightly prompted a feeling of unease in you. Something is wrong with the picture. Your feelings are legit and they're telling you something. Listen to them x

supercali77 · 30/11/2022 12:17

Yes but, what he is saying unprompted and without a question from you is that he thinks or thought it should be more by now. He's taking a risk by saying that because many people would call it off. So its at the very least a message of caution?

Different people fall in love at different speeds but typically, falling in love is a 'YES!' experience at every stage. Not one where id particularly analyse the speed of it

candycane10 · 30/11/2022 12:25

Brightstar29 · 30/11/2022 12:06

He said his feelings for me are building but slowly. My feelings for him are building. The people who are saying we should be madly in love after after 3 months surely that is a bit soon for that level of love?

I don't think it's the fact that his feelings are building slowly or that he's not in love with you yet (I disagree with PPs that you always know if you love someone after 3 months).

However, I think the fact that the way he feels towards you was bothering him to such an extent that he was pulling back and you were picking up on this is a flag

I wouldn't necessarily expect a bf to be declaring love after 3 months but if he was voicing that he was unsure about his feelings I'd be backing right off.

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