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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In love with someone else

12 replies

bathbombprincess · 29/11/2022 19:32

My children's father and partner of 12 years told me he didn't want us to be together anymore last year. Me and the kids left.
I started dating someone who I'd known a while, I expected it to be casual but I was taken aback by how much I liked.. and started to fall in love with, him.
My ex then said he wanted to give it another go. I wanted my house and my family back together. I wanted the 2.4 perfect family I thought I would have. He has been trying but he's still the same short tempered, sarcastic bully he always was.
All I can think about is the other man. He said he'll hang on for me, he thinks I'm the love of his life.
With my kids dad we'd have the family together, be comfortable financially, I'd not have to uproot my life.
Me and the other man can barely afford a 2 bed flat.
I can't get him out of my head, how he makes me feel, how we laugh, how kind and gentle he is compared to my ex. My ex has called me all sorts of names, I can never imagine this guy would. He's so nice natured.
What can I do? Uproot my kids and my life for 'love', or put up and shut up with my kids dad?

OP posts:

DaftdoubleDaffodil · 29/11/2022 19:55

What do you want your life to look like in 10 years time? And are you showing your kids a healthy relationship by staying?

AnotherCountryMummy · 29/11/2022 20:09

Tough one. I don't think you should stay with anybody who makes you unhappy. But... only leave your hubby if you are prepared to be single and do it alone. Just in case this new man falls through or doesn't live up to your expectations. Sometimes the shiny new can be way more attractive than the old and worn. But you could end up losing both.

AnotherCountryMummy · 29/11/2022 20:10

AnotherCountryMummy · 29/11/2022 20:09

Sorry, I said hubby but meant partner 🙂

hugefanofcheese · 29/11/2022 20:11

I wouldn't predicate any decision on the new guy, as nice as he sounds. I would base it upon the fact that you describe your kids' dad as a sarcastic, name calling bully and you deserve better. You wouldn't be uprooting your kids for another man, you would be showing them that they do not have to remain in unpleasant relationships. You've given the dad another chance. Fine. But he needed to prove that things had changed. He hasn't. Could you leave, find your own place etc, then if the new guy is still keen and coming across well, date at a steady pace?

Cr3ateAUsername · 29/11/2022 20:12

Why would you go back to someone who after 12 years was so easily able to kick you and your children out of the family home…

Firen · 29/11/2022 20:15

What would want your children to do if they were in this situation?

Dotcheck · 29/11/2022 20:19

Is there a third option? Figure out how to stand on your own so you are not dependent on anyone?

BelgiumArse · 29/11/2022 20:21

So you got kicked out of the house and started dating a man that you had known a while.

Does that 'while' mean you knew him whilst with your husband.
Was husband angry because you were detatching from him ?

Are you now back with husband ?
So you are essentially having a relationship with 2 men.

Well yes you have to make a decision, money and security or the bloke that pops you on the pedastal.

I personally think you need to be on your own.

Choconut · 29/11/2022 20:26

He'll wait for you? While you go back to a relationship with your ex? Does he not have any boundaries?
I agree with others, leave and sort yourself out without depending on either of these men.

ZenNudist · 29/11/2022 21:03

I think you are romanticising life with new guy. How wonderful will your relationship be raising your kids in a small house with your sarcastic bully ex on the scene?

You don't seem to like your kids dad so I'd split anyway and figure out a life as a single parent first.

5128gap · 29/11/2022 21:14

You should leave your partner anyway, because you're unhappy with him and he's not committed to you. He asked you to leave, then come back, then makes no effort to make you happy. Its not good enough.
Leave with the intention of freeing yourself from this relationship.
It would be smart to have a break after and not rush back to the other guy. Its easy to be Mr Perfect when your rival sets the bar so low. But he will have faults too which may mean he's not right either. That would feel very intense and upsetting so soon after your relationship break up, so I think you need a breather in between.

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 29/11/2022 22:08

I'll echo that you need to decide whether to leave (and be a single parent) for its own sake. Then and only then should you decide if and how to pursue a relationship with the new man.

New man might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Or, you may have a rude awakening somewhere down the line. As you have children involved, tread very carefully. Also, moving in straight away with a new man would probably make your split and coparenting with your DP much harder. Gird your loins if you decide to do that.

I know that in practice things like money and housing mean that you probably can't do things the ideal way ie leave, set up home, be single for a while, gentle relationship, move in a year or preferably more down the line. But, be sure that ending up alone, or in a complete shitshow in terms of DP's reaction and fall out with the kids' reaction and needs being all over the place, are things you are fully prepared for. Some counselling might help you work things out.

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