Flags or not?

[Roxy75]

Hi All. Been seeing a new man for a short time. He has 1 son who he rarely sees. We bumped into him on the weekend and it was so awkward. They acknowledged each other but that was all. He also has grandchildren by his son - hes never met them.

He is so lovely with me but i guess i am just concerned that there may be a side i don't see.
Should i be worried?

It would indicate a massive flaw for me, yes.

It's not great. Did he say anything about it afterwards?

Why did this situation come about? I’m struggling to think of anything that would justify such awful behaviour from your partner, but in your situation I’d probably want to find out just in case it was reasonable.

But yes, definitely a red flag!

He said that the relationship with sons mother broke down when he was very small. His son is close to his mum.
He said his son gets jealous when he's dating someone. He is literally lovely to me but I have reservations as I'd be lost without my daughter and I'd do everything in my power to have her in my life x

Yeah those are shitty reasons. If a ‘relationship breaks down’ with a small child, a gold parent (and a good person) does everything in their power to repair it. He is not a good man.

There’s normally a pretty good reason as to why someone cuts out a parent.

I smell a rat. He bumped into his son and it was completely awkward and they said hello and nothing more, and this is because he's jealous of you? I very much doubt that. There are plenty of people who's parents divorced and they were able to maintain a relationship with both parents, because both parents put in the effort to do so.

I'd listen to your gut, it's telling you something is off, believe it. Does he have close friends? Any other close family members he is in touch with? Alarm bells are ringing.

Whilst I think people are extremely complex and there are some circumstances which end up in parental alienation through no fault of the parent - it’s rare.

the vast majority of men who don’t have contact or relationships with their children is because they chose not to. They left because it was easier than staying. They lost contact because it was easier than fighting for it. They chose not to parent because it was easier than being a parent.

I would NEVER entertain a man who had voluntarily abandoned his child. I couldn’t respect them for one thing, and why would you be in a relationship with someone you don’t respect?

He has a brother who is lovely and I've met his friends when we've been out with them. I judge people on how they treat me and I'll just have to tread carefully....

I judge people on how they treat me

That’s rather self involved. Judging people on how that treat others. ESPECIALLY their own kids, is a considerably more sensible way to live your life.

It wasn't meant in a self involved way. I just meant if they are kind etc and definitely how they treat others is of highest importance

for me is screams awful human being- sorry.

There was a very eerily similar situation with a 'friend' of mine. His (adult) son was not close to him and openly resented him alot of the time. He said the reason was his son didn't like him seeing anyone, but he didn't know why.
Which made no sense.
Turns out the real reason was because he had cheated on his wife, then been in and out of a realtionship with her for some years while the dc were teens and they felt he was really messing their mother about as he'd keep leaving, see someone else and then when that broke down would be back again. So they wanted nothing to do with any of his new partners because they just knew how it would all end again, that he would return and mess their mums head up again.

I'd be finding out how long he has been out of the realtionship with his sons mother. Really out of it, not just from the date when they got divorced.

I don't speak to my Dad. It's because he walked out unannounced when I was 3 months old for the OW, transferred his business into her name and paid himself a pittance salary to avoid CMS, and I didn't see hide or hair of him again until I was about 18/19.

Who knows what tale he's spun his current girlfriend about why we don't speak, but I doubt it's the truth.

Big flag for me OP. I couldn't be with someone who had children they'd walked out on. Also I'd assume the jealousy thing is bullshit, since his Son is an adult, not 3 years old.

A friend of my mum's had his kids not keep in touch with him, including now they're adults etc. She believes it's parental alienation by the mum.

If they’re adults and not speaking to him, it’s because they are choosing not to speak to him.

@Tsort But they might have had decades of being wrongly told he was awful. It happens. I've met him and he seems ok.

Or they might have valid reasons. Lots of abusers and deadbeat parents seem perfectly pleasant to outsiders. I’m sure lots of people think my mother is charm itself.

I don’t think you should assume that your (or your mother’s) assessment of the situation is more accurate than that of the adult kids in question.

The red flag is the way you feel. Healthy relationships don't set of with a 'perhaps this is unhealthy?' mindset.

It doesn't matter if he's right or wrong, lying or truthful. He's got you wondering if there's a red flag, and that's the red flag. Asking the question is the red flag.