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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I wrong to tell him to leave ?

38 replies

Unsureofitall · 29/11/2022 13:36

Hi.

A bit of backstory, I'm 6 months pregnant and have only been with my partner about a year. We moved very fast and moved in after I found out I was pregnant and decided we wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy. So before I met my partner, he told me about some drug use he had done in the past (cocaine), we spoke about this soon after meeting and I told him I've never been drug user and preferred to be with someone who didn't do drugs. He assured me this was all in his past and it was recreational so there was no problem with stopping. Ok fine. I also know his sister, through a mutual friend. We sometimes would see each other at parties and it became known to me that she was a cocaine user. Not my problem. So about a month ago, I was at a family members house and my boyfriend had arranged to pick me up. I called him and his sister answered the phone. I found this odd as he never told me she was coming over. No problem. He comes and gets me and we get back home. It's weekend so they are having a drink all fine. I went into my room as I wasn't feeling too great and just wanted to lay down. This is where the problem starts. He comes into the bedroom and tells me I'm making his sister feel very uncomfortable and not wanted as I wasn't sitting with them and went straight it to my room. I came out of my room and explained to them both why I was feeling this way. As I done this, I noticed that my boyfriend didn't look right. His pupils were very dilated and he was talking very fast. I of course asked him if he had taken any drugs. He said no. I explained to him how disgusted and upset I would be if he had done that around me and in my house. He denied it. I had no proof so I left it. A few days after something didn't seem right to me so I went through this phone and saw text messages from him and his sister talking about buying coke that night. I went ballistic and told him to leave my house. I stupidly decided to give him another chance after begging and pleading.

That brings up to this weekend. So my boyfriend works six days a week, Saturday night is his only night off. He works nights. So he woke up about 4pm and said let's do something and get out of the house as he wants to enjoy his night off. As we were deciding what to do, he calls his sister and invites her over to my house. I asked him why did he this as I don't feel comfortable having her around as I believe they will want to do drugs together. He says okay fine. Leaves me at home and goes to meet his sister. I 100% know this was to do cocaine. I've realised him and his sister aren't very close and only really see each other when they go drugs together. Evening comes and he starts texting me things about me being suspicious. He seemed paranoid which I believe was due to the cocaine. I have no proof this time but i can almost bet on my life that I am right. I told him I no longer want to be with him, I stupidly believed him when he told me he doesn't do it anymore. I've told him his mum can come get his stuff this week and I will contact him only in regard to the baby. Was I overreacting ?

OP posts:
MamaFirst · 29/11/2022 13:46

Absolutely not, I'd be zero tolerance too. He also lies to your face therefore you cannot trust him. Nope nope nope, he'd be gone and I'd be arguing about suitability in being around the baby when the time comes.

Unsureofitall · 29/11/2022 13:51

@MamaFirst exactly how I feel. I can't trust him. He texted me and told me I ruined his night for breaking up with him. And he and his sister both think I'm very judgemental. Admitting I did use some strong words as I felt angry and betrayed. I'm not angry anymore just more so embarrassed that I put up with it in the first place.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/11/2022 13:51

He's a druggy.

You are 100% correct in your action and will save yourself future upset.

Do not give your baby this losers name and don't put his name on the cert.

Let him go to court to get access.

You don't want an addict near your life if you can avoid it.

barskits · 29/11/2022 13:59

You were 100% right. You do not want to be in a relationship with a drug addict, and that's all there is to it.

RandomMusings7 · 29/11/2022 14:21

Please don't put your baby through the trauma of growing up with a junkie father. Dump him and don't put his name on the birth certificate. Limit contact.

You've chosen the father to your baby very poorly. Now you need to go into damage control mode

MintJulia · 29/11/2022 14:25

YANBU.

He's a coke head, and you can't have that around a child. It's your personal red line and he knew that from the start. He's chosen the drugs over you and your child. The only thing to do was tell him to leave. Well done. You deserve better.

Catdaft · 29/11/2022 14:36

Well done you've definitely done the right thing

Unsureofitall · 29/11/2022 15:00

Thank you everyone. I feel a lot better about my decision. It was justified but hard. Just have to focus on baby now.

OP posts:
momtoboys · 29/11/2022 15:05

Good for you! You did the right thing for you AND your baby.

MiniTheMinx · 29/11/2022 15:09

The issue now is that you have to ensure he has either no contact or supervised contact.

Personally I'd go for no contact. No name on birth certificate, complete silence to him, no contact whatsoever. I might even up sticks and move away. Neither you or your child need a coke head in your lives.

Always4Brenner · 29/11/2022 15:12

Glad you’re rid of this you don’t need this in your life the lies money wasted you and your baby will be so much better without him and his sister.

Unsureofitall · 29/11/2022 15:24

His mum is a very nice lady and will want to be involved with baby so I'll allow that. I will speak to her about what has happened and if he wants to see baby it can be supervised by his mum. I do trust her. Its been days and today I second guessed myself, I am so glad that I stick to my guns. I'll be better off without the stress and baby doesn't deserve that at all. Im just going to try enjoy what's left of my pregnancy without him.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 29/11/2022 15:55

Whose house do you live in, I think you said yours, so it's easier to kick him out, can he go back to where he lived before?

amiold · 29/11/2022 16:05

Nope.

Get rid of him. He's a liar and a drug taker and would rather spend time with his sister than you while he does both of these things

NotToBeShaked · 29/11/2022 16:10

The only way in which you are unreasonable, is that you didn't kick his druggy, lying arse out sooner.

Well done OP.

BillieHolliday · 29/11/2022 16:10

Kindly, you don't know his mum. You've known him a year. You can't be sure how she'll react when it's her darling son who tells her what a bitch you're being.
If you let her supervise contact with your child and set boundaries, what happens when her son comes along and says "I'll continue to do what I want. F those boundaries" ?

Be very careful

MamaFirst · 29/11/2022 16:20

I agree, this is your child you're taking this risk on. You aren't a mother yet and so perhaps don't appreciate fully what that could mean to you a little down the line. It is this man who could fight for custody, not his mother. Also both this ladies children are druggies for a start... I would tread very very carefully, once you've opened that floodgate you can't easily close it.

Unsureofitall · 29/11/2022 16:29

@MamaFirst @BillieHolliday your both right. I do feel very awful cutting contact with her though. My child comes first whatever that means at the time, I will do what I need to protect my child from it.

OP posts:
altmember · 29/11/2022 16:49

MiniTheMinx · 29/11/2022 15:09

The issue now is that you have to ensure he has either no contact or supervised contact.

Personally I'd go for no contact. No name on birth certificate, complete silence to him, no contact whatsoever. I might even up sticks and move away. Neither you or your child need a coke head in your lives.

That's not her decision to make. They made a baby together, and the child has a right to a relationship with both parents. When he's not high he might be capable of being the best dad in the world (or not). We don't know whether he's a raging coke head or if he just dabbles occasionally (and neither does the OP by the sound of it, given it's taken her a year to notice). I've known people at both ends of the spectrum - ones who lead totally normal lives 99% of the time, and others who are so far down the rabbit hole that they'll beg, steal and borrow from their own partners.

If he wants contact with the child he can go to court for it if necessary. It's unlikely they won't allow him any contact at all unless there's considerable record of substance abuse. My ex had a prolific weed habit, but social services didn't bat an eyelid, weren't even concerned that the kids were exposed to a high parent while they were in ex's care.

RandomMusings7 · 29/11/2022 17:01

When he's not high he might be capable of being the best dad in the world (or not).

How are you going to ensure baby only experienced sober dad? You can't.

We don't know whether he's a raging coke head or if he just dabbles occasionally

  • *it doesn't matter really. If it was just a recreative activity to him he would have no trouble putting it aside for his pregnant partner and future baby. He hasn't. Because he either doesn't care enough to stop or because he isn't able to stop.

My ex had a prolific weed habit, but social services didn't bat an eyelid, weren't even concerned that the kids were exposed to a high parent while they were in ex's care.

the fact that you think weed and coke use are equivalent is laughable...

Unsureofitall · 29/11/2022 17:02

@altmember in the past he had a very big problem with it. And would do it daily. He did disclose this to me but he had stopped when we met. As far as I know he's picked it back up again recently but I'm sure there's been other times I don't know about. The problem is I can't trust him to be honest, so if he tells me it was just a one off I find that hard to believe. I agree with all advice here. The courts can decide absolutely. He genuinely did stop for a part of our relationship so I thought he had kicked it for good but he clearly hasn't.

OP posts:
Unsureofitall · 29/11/2022 17:09

it doesn't matter really. If it was just a recreative activity to him he would have no trouble putting it aside for his pregnant partner and future baby. He hasn't. Because he either doesn't care enough to stop

This is exactly how I feel. He made out to be that even though he did use it a lot, it was recreational or it was when things weren't going great in his life and he left like he had no one. He said he would have no problem not doing it and I believed him. As like I said he did stop. I think he doesn't want to stop which makes it harder to take to be honest.

OP posts:
OldFan · 29/11/2022 17:23

You're not wrong in what you did OP x

MamaFirst · 29/11/2022 18:03

If he wants contact with the child he can go to court for it if necessary. It's unlikely they won't allow him any contact at all unless there's considerable record of substance abuse. My ex had a prolific weed habit, but social services didn't bat an eyelid, weren't even concerned that the kids were exposed to a high parent while they were in ex's care.

Well given the fact social services gave no shits about a parent having custody whilst high, you've convinced us all now. Honest to God 🙄

caroleanboneparte · 29/11/2022 18:14

No