DH lies

[liarliarshortsonfire]

Why oh why is he doing this?

We've been together 7 years, married 4.

This morning I caught my dh on another lie, the 3rd one in 7 years (that I know about). It's not serious stuff, but it really pisses me off and totally unnecessary.

First one was when he was giving a statement to the police (about an incident he'd seen), he told me he was seeing his accountant (I even went with him and he dropped me off at the shops) but I found paperwork regarding the interview later that day.

The second was the amount of points on his driving licence, he drives for a living so having 9 means he's close to losing his licence and his job, I asked him how many he had (as he'd had a nip through the post), he told me 3, but a few weeks later I checked on dvla as we were hiring a vehicle and needed a dvla code, and I saw there was 6.

And todays was his smoking. He quit 3 years ago, but for the last 8 months I've got the odd whiff of smoke, asked him if he's smoking again a few times, and he's denied it. Today he finishes work, we have a kiss when he gets in, I smelt smoke and jokingly said 'you've been smoking again' he laughed and said 'no chance', I went to get his lunchbox out his bag and checked a side pocket (no idea why) and there's a packet of fags.

The thing is, I'm pretty laid back and it wouldn't have been an issue, but he knows I hate being lied to. Why does he do it?

I put the fag packet next to his cup of tea and I've come upstairs to work and stay out of his way. I honestly don't know what to say as I now don't trust him when he'll no doubt tell me he won't do it again.

Why does he do it?

Have you asked him?

I can't be doing with liars, even small lies. IMO if you make a decision to do something, own it. If you think you'll "get shit" for it and feel you have to lie, you have to question whether a) the action is wrong or b) the person giving you shit is controlling.

I'm not sure what the answer is or what the dynamic of your relationship is, but I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I would absolutely hate living like that.

I had an ex that used to do it, I repeatedly asked him not to and got so fed up with it, we had the talk. He got incredibly defensive, and claimed the reason he lied so much was that he didn't want to have to deal with my reaction.
Which is a bullshit way of saying ''I like to be in control and want to get my own way all the time'.

@Sparklfairy I can't be doing with liars, even small lies. IMO if you make a decision to do something, own it. If you think you'll "get shit" for it and feel you have to lie, you have to question whether a) the action is wrong or b) the person giving you shit is controlling.

This I absolutely agree with. I've never given him shit for his smoking, I'm an ex smoker and it was hell for me giving up. I've no idea why he'd hide it.

@Tsort I did ask him about the statement and the points at the time but got a half arsed response. But I agree with you too, I need to understand why he lied.

I can understand why he may not tell you he was going for an interview.
Possibly embarrassed about point on his license.

The smoking? It’s up to him isn’t it?

I suspect it’s your reaction to these things that’s making him lie. Ha may also think it’s non of your business.

Are you sure he was giving a statement to the police about something he had seen? Could he be more involved that that? Might he have been somewhere he shouldn't have been when (and if) he witnessed this event?

I read the statement, it was nothing untoward, which again makes me question why he'd not tell me about it

Did you read the statement, or a statement?

Nobody lies about that unless there's something dodgy about some aspect of it.

This lie is in a different category to the smoking and the points.

He's telling lies because they in some way benefit him, whether that's real or imagined.

He may think you would "give him shit" for any of those things.
Or it may be that if he lies, he can deny reality and keep his self-image of himself as someone who does not do these things.

The first example is weird though and I think there must be more to it. Like he was somewhere other than he'd told you about, and/or with someone you wouldn't "approve" of, or doing something shady. EG you thought he was on a job in Birmingham, but he was actually in north London with Freddie the Fence flogging moody gear out the back of a van, when he witnessed a mugging or whatever.

My exh used to lie. I reckon it was because he was treated like the family idiot his whole childhood, so he learned not to admit to any faults as they'd be brought up and laughed about for years even if it was a perfectly normal mistake.

I just asked him 'why lie' and he said it was because if he admitted it to me, then it made it real, he's been trying to give up for ages at different times'

I'm sure that's why (although who knows if it's the truth or not) but I'm still furious about the lies over the past few months and the amount of times I've asked him and he denied it. Just makes me doubt what he says. I'm back upstairs in my office having lunch now, gah I'm so pissed off he did this. Don't want to see him right now

The trouble is, you don't know how many more lies there might be that you haven't found out about. My ex was a liar, over big and little things, and then was very surprised when I didn't trust him any more! He did it because it suited him and I was mug enough to believe him for a while. You may find yourself tiring of your DH in the end. It's horrible never really knowing where you stand with someone.

My ex was like this too, serial liar, especially about smoking as he knew i hated it but wouldn't get help to quit. Every family holiday he'd try and quit, have a miserable first few days with us, then cave and start again after being a moody sleepy git on the only time the kids got quality time with him.

The lies never stop. And then they become bigger lies. And you never know where you really are with them. Glad to not have to live my life being gaslighted by his constant lies any more, i can trust the people in my life.

I spoke to him some more yesterday, and now he's annoyed at me because he thinks I'm over reacting, it was just a fib I asked him what the difference is between a lie and fib 'just so I know where to draw the line' and he couldn't tell me.

I gave him a kiss before bed, trying to put it behind us as he did apologise afterwards (he works shifts so goes early), he would normally kiss me before work but he just walked out and I've had no text to tell him he's arrived (it's an old habit we formed when we started dating). So I know he's now sulking, his sulks can last for days.

How on Earth is this now my fault and I'm the bad guy ffs.

My DH is like this. I assume he does it to avoid a scene, but the lying is far worse than what he lies about.

Sulking is a form of abuse you know.. And actually grounds for divorce.
So is lying.
Ime.
I threw dh out when I caught him out on a lie..
Best decision I ever made.

Lying is one way of not being the baddy. Making someone else the baddy is another way of not being the baddy. Your dh can't stand the idea that he's doing something wrong. Was he brought up to think he had to be perfect, and if not he was a failure?