Would you be upset?

[Robinkitty]

Teen ds going through a tricky time, I tried to deal with it myself, couldn’t get through to him. Stupidly thought I could ask Ex H to help out and let him know what’s going on. Try not to have any contact with ex as possibly abusive. Anyway end up having to speak on phone to ex where I’m told there’s nothing he can do and that ds gets his toxic traits from me and it’s in his DNA. Would this be upsetting to anyone else or do I need to toughen up. For what it’s worth I would describe myself as a calm and capable person and not toxic.

Do not speak to him again and forget what he said. Pleased he is an ex. Sorry you are having a tough time with your son - can MNetters help?

Of course it's upsetting, but consider the source. Your ex is abusive. He just used the opportunity to get in some more abuse.

I can understand your hope that your child's father would give a shit about him and that he would try to help, but he continues to be the vile man he is that still cares more about hurting you than he does about his son. He's the scumbag.

Perhaps post about your son's issues in one of the parenting sections and see what advice people have? Sorry you're going through this.

R

(oops phone posted too soon!)

Remember that abusive people tend to project their own toxic traits onto others. I wouldn't give any weight to his words.

Sorry to hear your ds is going through a hard time. As others have suggested perhaps try posting to a parenting board? I'm sure others will have some helpful advice and support for you.

He's projecting and saying hurtful stuff just to spite you. Cut him out completely.

Sounds like something child's father would say. But their relationship broken down so they don't contact each other.
Just don't bother ask him I know you may need help and support at the moment.
He doesn't care about his son DS at all.

You are not toxic, your ex is.
He sounds just like my ex, an abusive fucker.

I've been exactly in your shoes.

I have as little to do with him as possible & now years down the line I just laugh at him when he does try to go off on one.
As I know he's projecting & furious that he can't control me anymore.

Of course it's upsetting. One, because he's taking a dig at you simply to get his kicks and two, because he'd rather do that than look out and discuss measures to improve the wellbeing of your child.

Like the PPs have said, HE is the one who is toxic. Unfortunately you are just going to have to leave him out of the equation.

You need to accept that his opinion/hurtful digs are irrelevant and put them out of your mind. They are not a true reflection of you at all, although completely reflective of him.

And that’s why he’s an ex
mines the same

now leave him be
and don’t listen to anything negative he says

having same (teenage son)
I’ve found the parenting mental health forum on Facebook very helpful x

He’s enjoying the fact that you are struggling and needing his help.
Ignore what he said and don’t ask again.

You don't necessarily need to toughen up, but you do need to accept that he's never going to say any helpful unless it benefits directly and you don't need to believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

You gave him an opportunity to prove you were right to leave him, and he didn't disappoint!

Find your support elsewhere, all you can expect from him is more of the same.

Yes it would be upsetting. What a complete wanker. Irrespective of his thoughts towards you he's let your son down and is effectively washing his hands of him. When he's older I hope your son tells him what a shit father he was.

Of course you're upset, any normal, caring person would be. Your ex is the toxic one, would any normal, caring person say those things to a parent who's simply trying to help their child - of course not.

Be thankful he's an ex and don't ever contact him again unless you absolutely have to.

Thank you all for your messages I always believed in the back of my mind that he was emotionally abusive but I doubted myself so much, never knew if it was me/my fault. I won’t ask for help again from him.

Part of emotional abuse is turning everything round on the person, leaving them blaming themselves, second-guessing themselves.

No decent father, no decent human, would respond the way to their child having problems like this man has.

I can honestly say it's not you, it's him.

Have you ever done any counselling or had any support following the emotional abuse in your marriage? It might be worth doing if you can - i know private is quite expensive and there's waiting with the nhs - there's the freedom programme at about £12, j think. It's worth considering to deal with the lasting effects.

Your son might also benefit from some support like that as well, as abuse impacts children even if you've shielded them the best you can.