He wants to stay together, he’ll try harder

[KangarooKenny]

So we had the ‘chat’ the other day. He says he loves me, I told him I don’t love him. Basically, for the last 2 years or so, I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage and just carried on. We’re in separate bedrooms and don’t have sex/cuddles/ hold hands etc.
To be fair he has done two things to change so far, but he’s started touching me now and I don’t want him to. He also keeps calling me love and I hate it.
Its like we had a chat and he’s changed for 3 days so we’re ok now. But I’m not.
What do I do ?

Make plans to leave. You’ve been feeling this way for a long time. The love has gone.

Make plans to leave. You don't owe anyone a relationship whether you've been dating them for 2 months or married for 20 years.
Life is short and you only get one so live it how you want to. Be prepared for him to get unpleasant though as people don't like rejection. You should also be the one to move out really as you are the one ending it.

Very true that you don't owe anyone a relationship. I'd add that if someone is only behaving decently because they know you'd leave otherwise, that's not exactly a recipe for lasting happiness. They could have been nicer any time if they cared how you feel rather than only when they're going to lose out.

It's not correct to say you have to move out if you're the one who wants out, though. Ex tried that line on me and got precisely nowhere, because it's not how the law works, in the UK at least (assuming that's where OP is). You have to consider what is most practical so no-one is shafted, and so that any children involved will have a home and access in one way or another to both parents. Leaving someone because you can't stand living with them is not necessarily the fault of either party and therefore no-one should be "punished" for either leaving or causing the other one to leave.

I saw a flash of unpleasantness when he told me that he wouldn’t be moving out into a bedsit, where did that come from ?! I never mentioned anyone moving out !
I don’t really see me being the one to end it when he’s doing the things to make me have had enough, like drinking daily/little lies constantly/spending our savings. I’ve put up for a long time for the sake of the kids, I’m fed up of putting up. I want to be in control of my life/money.

And you can be in control. He's been a poor partner for at least 2 years. Why wouldn't you leave him?

Sounds like it's gone too far to pull back, for you.

That's OK, you don't have to give him more chances, you've effectively been done for 2 years already.

But you kind of need to be brave and strike the death blow to it, instead of letting it drag on forever.

This is the trouble, I’ve steeled myself for two ‘chats’ now and I’m still here. I think I need to tell him what I want rather than asking what he wants to do.
Why would you want to stay with someone that has said they don’t love you ? I just don’t get it.
I don’t want him touching me, perhaps he thinks he’s taking things slowly and working back to how it used to be. But it will never be the same.

Do you think he's an alcoholic, could he go without alcohol for a month. Not on for him to spend joint savings, could you get a separate account for your money he can't access.

I think I need to tell him what I want rather than asking what he wants to do.

Tbh, if you haven't told him what you want and are asking what he wants then you're putting the control/power/decision into his hands. That's why he's doing with he's doing. Because he doesn't want it to end.

You need to end it if you want it to be over.

I think I need to tell him what I want rather than asking what he wants to do I absolutely think you should do this - I think you are being rather unfair telling him you don't love him but also expecting him to make the decisions. He doesn't want to end it, and you are not ending it either, so how do you expect it to actually end?

I think you need to make some decisions and start moving forwards.

Why would you want to stay with someone that has said they don’t love you ? Because you still love them and hope they will change their mind - the hope being fanned by the fact they are not actually leaving.

It's not really "a chat" though. A split is rarely a mutually agreed decision that you both decide is for the best after a conversation, it's usually one person has had enough for whatever reason.

So reframe it, it is an announcement - you don't love him any more, so the relationship is over. That part isn't up for discussion.

"I'm going to file for divorce" perhaps.

The next part is the practicalities of splitting up but the actual splitting up isn't up for debate.

I think you need to start prioritising what YOU want and not thinking about him. You're done. You want out. And that is absolutely fine. He will just have to deal with that. Keep it calm and businesslike and start your divorce.

If he gets nasty, that is his choice, not your fault.

Unfortunately, I think you have to be prepared for the fact that all your "chats" will be misinterpreted.

For example, you might have mentioned the absence of intimacy in your marriage as a way of saying it's clearly over; he on the other hand has...
started touching me now and I don’t want him to. He also keeps calling me love and I hate it.
He's taking the "slot machine" approach to keeping his wife happy: just feed her plenty of token love words and gestures.

I'm afraid next steps mean you announcing your decision clearly, as PPs have said, and sticking to it even when he disagrees, and even when he gets nasty (as he may well do).

The not drinking lasted 3 nights, not drinking any more (as if !) was one of the things he was doing to change/try harder.

I'm so sorry, @KangarooKenny . It's awful when they let you down like that, especially if it's over alcohol. I hope this thread has given you the strength to take a decision now because you deserve better.

I don’t feel let down, I knew it would happen. It’s happened before. I’d like to say that it feels good to be proved right, but it’s not.

It feels horrible to be proved right. Been there, done that. It means that everything you've tried to build for yourself and your DC is not what you wanted it to be and that feels horrible.

What feels good is what comes much later, when you're out of the relationship and in the new life you've built for you and your DC. It's worth working towards.

This. You need to make it clear that you've made a decision. Good luck OP.

Well yes of course you need to tell him. It is you that wants out, so it is up to you to say so and get the ball rolling. I actually think you are being pretty unfair. Of course he thinks there is a way back when you say one thing but then do nothing about it.