Abandoned as a teenager, who would you blame for this?

[Latenightponderings]

A few months before my 17th birthday I was temporarily staying with a new boyfriend, my mum upped and left town without a backward glance. We had a rocky relationship once i hit my teens as I practically raised myself, she took to drinking with the neighbours alot which I didn't like. She has a mild learning disability + depression.

One day I went to her house to see her only to find my two aunts there which was strange as they lived 300 old miles away. It turned out they'd come down to move her and she was doing a moonlight flit to the other side of the country near her sisters. It was her intention to go without telling me but my unannounced visit scuppered that.

Obviously I was upset. I didn't have any other family locally, or much by way of a support network and dispite her limitations i loved her and needed my mum.

She assured me she'd wait a few days so I could get the rest of my stuff before she went but she didn't. When I returned the next morning to get what was left of my belongings they had already gone.

I then couldn't reach her by phone for about 6 months as she changed her number and my aunt refused to facilitate a phone call and blocked all my attempts of contact. I later found out my pushy aunt was the one who was pushing for the change of number, also the one spearheading the relocation and going NC with me (she admitted this - she said she thought being in touch with me would prevent DM settling in)

We are now over a decade down the line and we have rebuilt our relationship to an extent, I allow her (supervised and limited) access to my DC. I have low expectations ofc.

All that said, if you were me who would you hold responsible for all of that?

Does her (mild) learning disability absolve her of any blame?

Would you be mad at the aunts?

Her sudden departure sparked a really crap time of my life, domestic abuse, a mental health decline etc. Things were really shit for a long time.

My DD was pretty awful at this age. (She agrees wt this! ) I yelled a LOT but I never contemplated leaving her. My DH had to work away at this time but I stayed with her so I could provide support for A levels. Teens need a parent.

Thank you for all of the replies and your takes on the situation.

The thing that prompted me to post is the fact that dispite rebuilding something of a relationship with my mum, I don't feel able to (nor want to) forgive my aunts. The aunt who encouraged DM to go NC with me is pushing very hard for a relationship with me/my children these days and I'm not at all interested in having one, or facilitating one between her and my children.

It made me wonder whether I was being fair or perhaps making her the scapegoat here as I don't want to see the situation for what it was, my mum choosing to abandon me.

To answer some questions about mum and her disability; she struggles with reading and writing. She's quite childlike in many ways, intellectually and emotionally although entirely independent in every sense (other than dealing with her admin, the reading and writing limitations mean she needs help with things like letters and forms)

In my own admission I wasn't the easiest child to parent, I would refuse to go to school etc and fell into the wrong crowd. Underage drinking etc. However that was a phase - brought about by the fact I had a shit and neglectful home life - and had stopped by the time I was 15 so wasn't a factor in her leaving.

Mum is incredibly easy to manipulate and will follow the path of least resistance and go along with whatever the most dominant person is saying, I've seen that play out first hand (not by me, but others) so it's because of that I feel that my aunts are to blame for alot of it.

If they had told her she needed to do XYZ to support or look after me, she'd have done it because she was being told to iyswim? ..but because their instruction was to just up and leave me, she did that instead.

Thank you for giving me the space to talk through this, it's something that is playing on my mind alot at the minute. I agree counselling is a good idea.

Given your update you are doing the right thing. I can see why you want to forgive your mum- entirely your prerogative- but distance from your aunts. It was abandonment though.

Oh fuck, that's rough. Well, you were not to blame, that I'm sure of.

16 is so young and vulnerable. Of course it sparked a shit time for you, you were dumped by your mother. I hope you are able to move past this and have good people in your life.

"It made me wonder whether I was being fair or perhaps making her the scapegoat here as I don't want to see the situation for what it was, my mum choosing to abandon me."

Your mum is your mum, and you can decide to give her a second chance. She was vulnerable, and doing what she was told she should do.

Your aunt on the other hand, even if she was doing what she thought was best, she still actively chose to separate you from your mum.
Holding her responsible for that is not making her a scapegoat.

No one is owed a second chance. You have generously chosen to give one to your mum. You've chosen to understand and accept her limitations. You aren't obliged to do the same for your aunt.

I think the reason I'm struggling to let go of my feelings towards my aunt is because prior to this incident Iheld her in high regard growing up and would have never expected her to do anything to hurt me like that. I had a completely different perception of her than the person she actually is.

The second aunt I had no relationship with so there's no love lost there but the aunt who lead the whole thing, I expected much better of.

I have her blocked everywhere these days but she's often in the background when I speak to mum on the phone and mum is always extending invitations on her behalf and I just feel like.. sod off. I don't want to know you.

The whole abandonment thing is an elephant in the room with mum and we seldom speak about it although she has apologised, multiple times.

I tries to speak to my aunt about it over the years but she would only ever defend the decision and give examples of hypothetical people who kicked their children out at 15, 16, 17 etc and how they're all fine now.

There’s more than enough blame for your mum and your aunts. What they did to you was disgusting and heartless. You were abandoned very intentionally, and then denied contact. By the people who should have been the adult support in your life.

I would hazard to say the only reason your mum is in contact with you now is for pragmatic, self-serving reasons. As in a plan to impose on you to give her care in her old age.

I would be NC with the lot of them. You have to be a decent mother to have the right to be a grandmother. I’d have no interest in playing happy families with a mum & aunts like that around my DC.

Can't believe 3 adults thought it a good idea to abandon a teen!

Would it help you to move on if you were to write to the aunt expressing how you feel? That you trusted and respected her, and feel she betrayed you in leaving a 17 yr old to fend for herself and blocking contact with your mum. That you don't feel any desire to repair the relationship now that you have rebuilt your life without her.

It's possible she'd manipulate your mum and make things difficult again, so I'd be wary.

Honestly she's not worth your time or effort even to think about it. Just imagine it's water off a duck's back. When your mum mentions her, don't even answer just change the subject 'what are you watching on tv these days? Did I tell you what Jo Jnr did yesterday?' Etc.

You are incredibly articulate OP, and sound very emotionally mature and well grounded.

I understand what you are saying about your mum. And think you'd be well within your rights to tell your aunt to sod off. But I think keeping an dignified silence like you are doing is commendable and probably for the best.