Hate the way my dad treats my mum

[pickyourown]

I am struggling with this more lately, for whatever reason. It has always been the case for as long as I can remember, but it has really just dawned on me more recently.
Maybe with having my own dc, family... it does make you look back on things.

Anyway, he treats her like rubbish. He puts her down and belittles her. He has always had an anger issue. He smashed the house up on a few occasions when I was growing up. I have never seen him be physical towards my mum, but I am 90% sure he has. He slapped me around the face when I was 16 for sleeping over at my then boyfriends. (I didn’t sleep around - he was my first and we were then together for 8 years - not that the context matters). My mum stuck up for him. In fact, she rang me to tell me she was worried about just how upset he was that he hit me and I had better come home to tell him it’s ok??!

There are countless more examples. But it has changed my relationship with them. I resent him for how he has treated us and her. And I have lost respect for how my mum puts up with it. She is strong and sticks up for herself in all other areas of her life, but not with him. I have found myself making comments now when he speaks to her like this. A recent example was when I was round for tea. My mum made a stew and my dad basically said how crap it was. I said ‘if mum said that to you, you would go ballistic’. Which he would. And she would never even dare.
It’s making me not wanting to visit as I just feel angry each time. I know he has struggles and have discussed this with my mum. I did tell her recently that he speaks to her like s* sometimes and takes it out in her. She just said ‘I know he does’.

why is this all of a sudden though when they have always been like this? Has anyone felt like this? It’s like I have just had this lightbulb moment that he is abusive. I actually feel awful writing that. But he is.

I don’t really know what I am asking but it’s helped to write it down. Maybe I just need to stay out of it as it’s not my relationship.

Thanks if you have got this far!

I think it is maybe having your own family, seeing what’s “normal”/not abusive and then seeing your parents in comparison. I don’t think it’s unusual to start thinking about it more clearly at this point

He is definitively abusive and she’s been abused for many years now, but that doesn’t excuse her sticking up for him over you, in my opinion. I’d find that really hard to make peace with, especially as you probably think you could never do the same with your children.

I would probably point her towards resources that would help, helplines and ask her to reach out for support and to leave him. Realistically she probably won’t so it’s up to you how much emotional energy you’d want to invest in trying to convince her. Ultimately it’s her choice, but I would be straight with her and also continue to call it out when it happens in front of you (again your choice, but it’s what I do)

It’s so tough, I’m sorry. Putting up strong boundaries and acknowledging your own feelings is important. I’d consider seeing a counsellor for yourself too as it will have had an impact on you growing up and help you navigate the future and your relationship with them. Do you children see them? Important for them to know his behaviour isn’t right, and for them never to be subject to it

Thank you @Colourmehappy26 I appreciate your reply and agree with everything you’ve said! I do think I need to have counselling.

she would never ever leave him. No way in hell. They have been together since they were 16 (now 59).

I have never thought of it this way but maybe I am hypersensitive to it now my children are growing and are around it. I definitely don’t want my dds to think this is normal behaviour.

I will continue to call it out. I can’t not. I don’t want to make my mum any more uncomfortable but I am hoping it will make him step back and reflect on his behaviour.

I’d have a long think about whether you want your children witnessing this kind of abuse, it will be damaging for them and may affect the way they see relationships. Appreciate that’s hard.

Calling it out could also make it worse for him, he may think she’s turned you against him or similar and take it out on her (I don’t know if this is likely, it’s just what happened for me). He’s also probably very unlikely to recognise his own behaviour as abusive and reflect on that, he likely thinks he’s right and she deserves it, and will justify it to himself in some way.

Glad you think you’ll look into counselling, hopefully that will help with knowing how you can navigate this for yourself and your children

It's understandable that you might lose a little respect for your mum but there might be all sorts of reasons why she seemingly puts up with his bad behaviour. You say she's a strong person in all other areas of her life. It would be such a shame for his behaviour to alter the way you view your mum. You sound so lovely and caring and I bet your support means the absolute world to her. Just keep doing what you're doing.
Be wary of counselling though. The one and only time I felt my DC and I were becoming disconnected was when they had had counselling. Follow your gut instinct.

This must be a very hard thing to reflect on and it is a credit to you that you have the courage to look at it and deal with the feelings you have about it.

What you are describing sounds like coercive control, a particular type of domestic abuse that is incredibly harmful.
More recently, researchers in the field acknowledge that children are victims of this form of abuse even when it appears to be directed towards the other parent (See Emma Katz book 'Coercive Control in Children's and Mother's Lives, 2022).

If you get a counsellor I'd try to make sure they are specifically trained in, and have worked with coercive control recovery, as in some countries counsellors are not required to know anything about abuse dynamics (a failure of duty of care imo) which can cause further harm.

I disagree with a PP who says this shouldn’t affect the way you see your mum. She has enabled him to some extent this whole time. And it’s upsetting that she didn’t back you when he hit you. That’s pretty appalling.

I think keep calling it out, that may cause fireworks, but you can then respond accordingly.

What a stressful childhood you have had.

I think some counselling might be beneficial.

I wouldn't want my children anywhere near the environment you describe.

Children are like sponges and adults constantly underestimate what they absorb, even when small.

Your father is highly abusive towards your mother and she allowed you to be abused too.

I would be 100% avoiding their home and some counselling can help you figure out what sort of contact, if any you want with your mother.

If you value the effort you are putting into your children's childhood, you will not want them around such ugliness and abusive behaviour.

I think this is true. It’s of course awful to suffer abuse, but it’s equally awful to support someone abusing your child, and force them to accept it and appease the abuser.

I also agree with a pp saying you must consider how this affects your children. Seeing mum be complicit in abuse (and continuing to visit and do family things is an acceptance of this person) could give your children the worldview that it’s acceptable. In the same way that some people will sit at Sunday dinner with granddad spewing vile racism and say ‘oh it’s just grandpa, he’s just like that.’ But because you’re sitting there too, you’re implying that you think it’s acceptable.

Thank you for the replies and kind words.
@SwimInTheRain that will be interesting to read, thank you.
It’s weighed heavily on me the past couple of days. I had a chat with dp about it last night which helped.
stopping the children going will require a conversation with my dad about it all, and I’m not ready to do that yet. So I don’t really know what to do in that respect. I will just minimise going for the time being.

I'd be surprised if you saying anything will have any effect on him. You just need to distance yourself.

I could have written your post OP.
My parents have been together over 40 years now and I don't know why or how they've lasted that long! My Dad is not a nice man and treats my Mum like shite. As a child, I guess I never knew any different and it was never that bad that I had concerns (eg. not physical). And he has got worse as time as gone on - and as I've got older I obviously see it for what it is.
I do call him out on it now but obviously am not there all the time. My poor Mum is putting up with a lot. She won't leave him (even though I've said that is obviously an option and we'd support her) so I'm not sure what the answer is.
Sorry OP, but I do sympathise.

Can you meet your mum for days out without him?

As a survivor of abuse I would suggest that you tell her that if she chooses to get help or even leave, you will be right there to support her in any way she needs. That's what would have helped me had it been offered.

@DoNutSweatTheSmallStuff sorry you’ve had the same. I don’t know anyone irl who have had this upbringing so I’ve not discussed it with anyone except dp and one of my brothers.

meeting her alone is rarely an option and another thing I have been resentful of growing up. He is very insecure. They rarely spend time apart. They even work together.

He actually flipped out on her about a year ago. She rang me and said she’d had enough and was thinking of leaving. I said I didn’t blame her. So she does know my thoughts. She deserves so much better and does so much for everyone else.

sorry I haven’t replied to everyone but I am reading and appreciating them

You are so brave for approaching something so big and scary. I think therapy could be a really good place to unravel your thoughts and make sense of how you feel. It'll help you act rationally and not just lose it through emotion, which I don't think any of us would ever judge you for because it's such an emotive thing you're living through. Well done for being the one to break the chain x