To worry that I will be alone forever...

[Alba202]

As above,

All my friends are settling down, married and starting their own families. I have never had a solid relationship. I'm now slowly approaching 30 and am becoming more and more frightened that I will never have the life that I want. I find myself saying to people that I'm not maternal/don't want children to make myself feel better that if it never happens people won't constantly ask about it. I feel that I am missing out on these amazing experiences in the prime of life because I don't have anyone to share them with.

I am a very independent person. I know I don't need a man....but I am honestly at a point in life that I would really like one.

Anyone else in the same boat? Anyone been in the same situation and things have worked out fine?
Positive comments would be more than welcome!!

It's not too late! What are you doing to meet suitable men? From other threads on here it doesn't sound like OLD is the best route to a proper relationship. Have you joined groups, clubs, socialised with friends of friends, pursued hobbies and interests, do you do things where you meet the same people regularly to build up a connection?

You are still so young, please don't give up hope. Decide if children are a priority and if so you could maybe consider going it alone and then looking for a relationship after that. There's no time frame for falling in love but there is a biological one for having kids. Good luck

So, question. What are your work, friend and any hobby groups like? If they contain a reasonable number of blokes your age, have you ever fallen in love? And if so, was it with someone who was actually a good match, or was it the Evil Crush From Hell on someone so wildly unsuitable that you just sat there wondering if your emotions were on glue?

Many people feel as you do, Alba, it's not unusual to be single at thirty. What is good is that you are an independent woman so you won't 'settle'. I hope you meet someone in the same boat, in the not too distant future. Good luck.

I'm similar, I guess I'll get there one way or another. Just waiting for the right person , / companion.

Honestly, I have never been in love..I don't think I have ever come close. Sometimes I worry that the only people I am attracted to are way out of my league.
As mentioned above my friends are all settling down so the days of going out to bars/clubs etc are pretty much now non existent. I am back at the gym but apart from that don't have any other hobbies that would allow me to meet people. I am not extremely shy but would struggle with meeting a lot of new people in a new environment (if that makes sense)
Any suggestions as to how I meet people? For reference I have tried online dating and that is a massive no no!

You're in your twenties. Give yourself a break. Have some fun and get some stories to tell your settled mates so they can live vicariously through you.

It's such a line but it will happen when you're least expecting it!

Does it ever get you down? Most of the time I am okay with it, get on with life and enjoy the things I do have and then other times it hits me really hard as I feel that I should be at a different place in my life and that I am missing out on something that everyone else seems to have

OP, I felt this way at your age and so I went looking for a LTR. Ended up with someone who was very controlling and took advantage of my wanting a relationship. 5 years on, I’m out.

LTRs don’t happen for everyone, but they also don’t work for everyone - not even people that get married as divorce rates prove. Think of it like uni - a lot of people go but also a lot of people don’t, preferring to travel or set up a business or get degrees on the job or do something interesting but totally different like an apprenticeship or being in a band!

You are so young. Honestly. You are SO young. Enjoy men but, erm, don’t start wanting them badly. Bleeding is a good way to find a shark.

Met my husband (through online dating) at 30,got married 2 years after and now we have 3 kids. I know online dating can be soul destroying sometimes,I went on a lot of dates and some were disastrous.
But me and a few of my friends all met our husbands that way and are all happily married now so please don't completely discount it!
Try joining clubs/hobby type things too maybe

Bleeding is a good way to find a shark

I love this. Painfully true!

You’re only 29. When I was 32 I gave Match.com a whirl because I wasn’t necessarily meeting men in bars and clubs any more. I wasn’t worried about singledom, I knew it would all work out, but wanted to maximise the opportunities. I went on loads of dates, saw one guy for 6 months then another for a year. Loads of people meet online, just do it.

At 36 I joined a social/meet-up thing recommended by a friend of a friend and met my husband on the second activity I ever did. It was awash with nice men in the market for meeting someone. You’re in your prime, be confident.

It is rubbish when your friends are all in couples, because they don’t do as many single girl nights out. Start cultivating more single female mates.

I spent my early-mid 20s in short relationships with dudes who were good-enough-for-now but definitely not long term material.

Then spent almost 3 years doing OLD quite intensively. Went on more than 100 first dates, had many prospects that started out promissing but magically fizzled out. A soulsucking cycle of getting my hopes up over someone only to be let down. Ghosted and faded out repetedly, caught up in a short situationship without commitment... you get the picture.

Lost hope and deleted apps every few months. Many a night spent moaning to other single friends over a glass of wine and debating whether we were doing something terribly wrong or the market for men was simply shit.

Long story short, met current partner of 3 years on tinder at 28 and it's been easy and natural from the start. He was so open and consistent in his interest that I almost panicked and assumed something must be off with him. Nope, that's just how mature genuine men act when they like you are want something real. It's been smooth sailing so far and i hope he turns out to be the one. I don't think i have it in me to do tinder again lol.

So chin up. It's not you. It's a shitty numbers game and there's still hope.

Find out what groups, clubs, special interest/activity groups, classes etc are active where you live - depending on what you are interested in - random list of ideas - photography club, Green Party (other parties are available), theatre group / amateur dramatics, singles dining club, mixed sports with a social club and events, volunteer at a local charity (make sure there are others your age there), language class, creative writing group, local Meet Up group - or start one eg cinema group, book group, etc - also ask your friends if their partners/brothers have any single friends you could meet in a low-key no-pressure way. (Word of mouth recommendation probably safer than stranger on internet.)

How many people of the opposite sex of around your age do you actually know, OP?

Did you go to a girls' school and then into a mainly female occupation and just go out in all women groups to noisy clubs or restaurants?

Or did you have a mixed sex education, work in a 50/50 m/f environment, have plenty of male friends but just don't fancy any of them ?

Why ask - well, most people still meet their partner through school/uni/work/friend groups. If these are 95% female and 5% gay/married/25 years older, then the answer is MEET MORE PEOPLE - volunteer at parkrun, join the Rotarians/Lions, join in any sport that you can, turn up to random shit on meetup.com. Concentrate on simply widening your social circle and making sure it has marriageable men there in reasonable numbers.

If you genuinely do know men and never feel stirrings then I guess have a think about why. Are you just unlucky and they genuinely are all, to a man, dull or smelly, or, is there something in your childhood and family background that might be worth a closer look?

I do simultaneously think that a person has got to be capable of being happy on their own, ideally, but also, that it's bloody useful having a loving partner. (I have a friend who had a major health downturn this year and things would have been SO much easier for her if she'd had a partner to support her). So I don't think you're wrong to want to find someone!

I'm now slowly approaching 30

Honestly you're not far behind the curve or anything, if you are at all. Instead of noticing the people who are coupled up, try noticing those that aren't. And some might have partners but will split up again soon.

It's not like you're mid 40s...

WTF? If I were you I would be pitying them as they settled too soon. Give them a couple of.years and they will be ones posting on here about the other stuff you see here...my DH is looking at porn, he is disinterested etc.

You need to forget them - get out, build a career, have some fun. And find some new friends.

@Tolatetotheparty put it beautifully

“Decide if children are a priority and if so you could maybe consider going it alone and then looking for a relationship after that. There's no time frame for falling in love but there is a biological one for having kids.”

At some point a single woman has to make this decision. Mine was made for me. Happy ONS surprise. Best thing ever. A miracle really that changed my life 20 years ago. Still single! But happy and perfectly fulfilled.

That's a good point.

About 5 years ago a woman I went to school with was happily married while I was single and struggling.

Fast forward to now, she's twice divorced with a toddler in tow and I'm happily coupled up.

Just goes to show that your relationship status can change in a blink and it is no guarantee for happiness or fulfillment. Lost of couples also project a made-up image of bliss while they are actually quite toxic and miserable in private...

Yep. People getting married early is a whole load of shite. They are the fools...

All seems a bit melodramatic to worry about being alone in your 20s or even 30s IMO.

All seems a bit melodramatic to worry about being alone in your 20s or even 30s IMO.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with that simply because as you enter your 30s, the market for desirable partners shrinks dramatically. It's slim pickings because most good men who are open to commitment have already been snatched up by 30-35 unfortunately.

So i understand the panic in a way, but it really doesn’t have to mean you'll be alone forever. It just means you need to make a conscious effort to meet more people are to be more proactive and ruthless in eliminating the wrong ones from the race early on so that you don't waste precious time.

Don't know if this will be reasuring or not...... But of about 30 couples I know who settled down/married before 30, only 2 were still together by 35. And neither couple had children, by choice, and are still together at 45+.

I was exactly the same. Really thought it just wasn’t going to happen for me. Found it very upsetting as around me everyone else seemed to be managing to find their person, having kids etc. It felt very very lonely. I also used to just minimise/pretend it wasn’t important so I could hide that I felt inadequate.
I think I was my own worst enemy by always going for unsuitable people to have relationships with combined with giving off an aloof air as I was so busy pretending I was fine on my own.
I have ended up very happily with my partner who was someone I’d actually known for a while. Many of those people I know who settled down earlier are now divorced.
I know you said you’d tried OLD but I do think that is how most people meet these days. All those I know who have coupled up/got married recently have met their partners online. I think you just have to be really committed to the process.

Don’t go it alone!! You are still young and there is still time, plus being a single mum will reduce the amount of men that are interested even more, and it will be much harder to date as a single mum, you will need a lot of support and it will put some men off. Also MN seems to be very anti single mums dating so you will probably have to wait till your child is older before you can even begin to date so you will be waiting even longer to find a partner. Being a single mum can be very lonely and isolating so don’t go it alone thinking it will make you less lonely (it won’t!) if you actually want a relationship (I get women going it alone that don’t want a partner but op wants a relationship)

So, honestly I don't have any male friends..the men that I know are through friends but are all in relationships/married. There are men at my workplace but they are all either really young(i.e 20) or a lot older. Predominantly I work with older women so not a lot of scope to meet men my age through them either.

I am willing to try online dating again and I will try to attend social classes. Is there any sites in particular anyone would recommend?

Otherwise anyone got any single 30 year old man they can send my way😂