To worry that I will be alone forever...

[Alba202]

As above,

All my friends are settling down, married and starting their own families. I have never had a solid relationship. I'm now slowly approaching 30 and am becoming more and more frightened that I will never have the life that I want. I find myself saying to people that I'm not maternal/don't want children to make myself feel better that if it never happens people won't constantly ask about it. I feel that I am missing out on these amazing experiences in the prime of life because I don't have anyone to share them with.

I am a very independent person. I know I don't need a man....but I am honestly at a point in life that I would really like one.

Anyone else in the same boat? Anyone been in the same situation and things have worked out fine?
Positive comments would be more than welcome!!

@Alba202 I would follow Matthew Hussey's youtube channel and apply all his general rules and principles when you go back to OLD. They really work.

Can you let’s us know you checklist?

Do you mean checklist for a man?

I coukd have written this at 30. I never really understood why I was so perennially single. Occasionally I went out with somebody hopeless just to have a break from being single. I'm 52 now and single but happy!! However if I could go back in time to 30 I would really look at my attachment style, have a bit of therapy, why not.

I dont mean being single equals n3eding therapy but if you're not certain you understand why you are single and have to push away "what's wrong with me thoughts' then I would treat yourself to therapy. I really valued mine. Only had it 50 ish but omg I can see how my life might have turned out a little differently if id had therapy at 30 not 50.
There was nothing visibly "wrong" btw, but I relate to only being attracted to out of your league people. Maybe some of them would have valued a more confident version of me but I'll never know.
I honestly don't care any more but 30 year old me could have done therapy before letting herself loose on OLD
WHICH WAS AWFUL BACK THEN TOO

There's no secret to meeting someone and it's not a science - there's a huge element of randomness and good timing to it. I don't know if that's comforting or not, it depends how you view it.

But you can carve out the life you want - all the other bits of it. Partner and kids are just a small part of what the world has to offer. That's how you meet like-minded people - friends and more.

What do you love doing? What kind of life do you want to lead? Is nature your thing, or art, or music? Join groups and clubs if so. Is there a social issue you feel passionately about, say the environment or refugees? Join campaign groups and do that. What sport do you like doing? Join a local club.

You will meet all sorts of people there. The key is not to overlook people who aren't potential romantic partners. Make friends of both sexes - the more good people in our lives the better. You'll meet other people through them. And other people through them. Somewhere there might be the romantic partner for you. Or maybe there isn't, but what you will have is a full life doing what you love surrounded by a good friendship network.

Also you have absolutely ages, you're so young. I was so far from settling down at 30. I actually didn't think the coupled-up life would happen for me either at that point, though I wasn't especially bothered about that tbh.

"I wouldn't necessarily agree with that simply because as you enter your 30s, the market for desirable partners shrinks dramatically. It's slim pickings because most good men who are open to commitment have already been snatched up by 30-35 unfortunately.I always hear this from women and it confuses me."

50% of marriages end in divorce which means about 50% of these 'eligible men who are taken' will turn out to be rubbish partners, fathers etc hence them getting divorced. So there's every chance of meeting a great guy at 25, 35 or 45 - it's just that at 25, every guy seems great as they haven't really been put to the test yet. And at 35+, women are more aware of the flaws and red flags.

A man wanting commitment is not a sign he's a great catch - plenty of needy, codependent, emotionally damaged, financially unstable etc men will bite your hand off to marry.

I personally think it's much better to meet your person later in life and know they've gotten adventures and opportunities out of their system. Than to meet someone young who may have regrets about all the missed moments of their youth. I have a lot of friends in their 40s who settled down in their 20s, bought the house, had the kids and are now staring down the barrel of another 40 years together and realising they don't really know themselves and have grown in different ways to their partners.

Just because you're on a different timeline doesn't mean it won't happen for you. Enjoy the single life and all its freedom while you're young and resilient.

Bingo. How many "desirable men" are there? 1%? Maybe 5% max.

Have a look here for your local area. All kinds of activities and events.

www.meetup.com

It's 2022 mate. Men have evolved to value companionship and partnership, and appreciate women who are sexually confident and know themselves. The dinosaurs who haven't evolved become irrelevant and realise young women today value emotional maturity - because they can earn enough themselves. Cue the bitterness that without a woman's validation, such dinosaurs don't have much else to feel good about.

Meghan Markle seems to have done well with her age and body count, don't you think?

OP, you're still very young to give up hope like this!
Try this book here: www.amazon.com/Why-Marry-Some-Women-Others/dp/0446614289
I know it's a little old now (2004), but his advice is excellent and evidence-backed, and still holds true today. Especially his advice about having a lot of male and female friends. I think it's the best book on the subject.

well she might have to lower her standards because sucessfull attractive men in thier 30s will be going for younger slim women who are more fertile and have lower/no body counts.
She might find a 5ft 4 bald fella who earns minimum wage but she aint getting herself a sucessfull attractive man cause they are either already taken OR want younger women

Worse still, she might end up with a man who posts poorly spelled rants online about "body counts" and fertility.

The data suggests that most men actually end up marrying women about 2.5 years younger than themselves, on average, and that 35yo men marrying 22yos are the exception, not the norm. As for "body counts"--how does anyone even know anyone's body count? There is no way of knowing whether anyone is telling the truth, unless you both live in the same small social circle.

Yes, everyone has one.

You don't know OPs exact age

You don't know how she looks or how much she weighs

You don't know her "body count" 🤢

You don't know what her standards are

...

So take all these mysoginstic rude assumptions and shove them where the sun don't shine, will you @User392929?😉

I am 52 now and it is very easy for me to see that you are young and have loads of time to meet somebody and indeed that on the balance of probabilities you will do so.

But I also remember approaching 30 and I hadn’t really had a serious boyfriend since my first one when I was 18 and then some rubbish on and off thing in my 20s. I thought I was destined to be single forever, yes exactly as you have said.

When I was in my early 30s I joined a meet up group thing that has been mentioned upthread, it was a good way of widening my social circle and I met some nice men and had a few dates, although I didn’t meet my now husband that way. I met him when I was 34 so just over 18 years together now.

I felt exactly like you at that age. So left behind as everyone paired up. Desperately wanted kids but didn't dare admit it. Then met DH and was so glad I was single when I did.

Get out into the world. Do things that genuinely interest you where there are also plenty of men around - running or sailing clubs etc rather than craft evenings. Go on singles holidays - not the boozy ones that attract chancers but the special interest ones where you explore countries and cultures or learn a new sport like surfing. Give yourself a real chance to meet like minded men. Make your OLD profile quite specific so you only attract people who you really connect with.

Tell your mates! Make new friends who might have friends you;d bve compatible with. I met DH through a newish friend who thought we'd get on.

Well whatever you do OP, don't just sit at home hoping something will change, because it won't. You need to be proactive if you want to widen your social circle, meet more men and have a chance of meeting someone to form a relationship with. There is lots of good advice on this thread and almost all of it can be boiled down to 'get out there and mingle'.

If you're single you have plenty of time at weekends to get involved in things. Going to the gym is fine, but unless you're part of a tight knit group of people who do a specific class or type of exercise the gym isn't a great way to meet people. You need activity with a social element attached - running or cycling clubs, rock climbing, boxing, Crossfit - all of these and many more attract men of all ages and encourage interaction between people - which is what you want.

I'd also avoid things that are female-dominated if you want to meet men, so Zumba is fine for exercise and fun, but don't just do that. Similarly, joining a book group is a nice, social evening, but likely to be all/mostly women, so be strategic. And yes, go on group holidays - preferably activity ones. The National Trust runs weekends for volunteers to rebuild paths and walls, if heading off on a week-long trip with a group of strangers feels too daunting at present.

You’re very young and I remember feeling like you do though. I married in my early twenties then divorced and was a single mother for years. Now I’ve been married again for a number of years. When I was single especially with a small child I just couldn’t imagine life with someone else but desperately wanted it. It was someone who was a real friend who I settled down with again. Shared interests are everything.

Definitely try out different hobbies and don’t focus too much on potential partners just making make and female friends and enjoying yourself. Think archery, walking groups, dance, drama groups etc Also if you’re up to it work on yourself, there’s great relationship coaches on Instagram who give out tips on working on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you as you know and you have so much time to have great relationships. Don’t panic! Good luck.

It’s hard to find someone when you don’t go out to pubs etc anymore. I was single for 12yrs after splitting with my ex, largely because I didn’t go out as I had an illness which meant I stopped drinking. The only place I thought I’d meet someone was work, and that’s what happened in the end as I’m now dating an ex colleague. He’s the only colleague I’d have considered dating though, as we always had a spark. My colleague is doing online dating. She’s had one long term relationship and has been seeing someone 2 months now, so it’s worth trying again. It’s really hard to meet someone otherwise