What should I advise my brother? I’m on the fence!

[Downontoearth]

Posting here, will keep it relatively vague but enough for you to get the gist.

My brother found out six months ago that a girl he was seeing when he was 22 so 8 and a half years ago, got pregnant and put the baby up for adoption. They were very on/off and at the time my brother wasn’t the best, weed smoking, no job, and was struggling but has turned his life around incredibly since.

He found out by accident through mutual friends with this girl who assumed he must have known and it seemed pretty common knowledge. Apparently this girl claimed she didn’t know who the father was, and my brother was ghosted by her soon after. This is his side I guess.

Now my brother has managed to track her on Instagram and Facebook and after months of ignoring his messages she’s agreed to meet him to talk about it. He’s keen to find out what happened, but now my SIL who is brothers wife has said she will walk out if he meets his ex.

Half of me thinks my brother should go and see what the deal was, it’s been 8 years and a lot has changed, but the other half thinks he can’t do much if baby was adopted and isn’t about to disrupt an 8 year olds life if it is his so is it best to not upset SIL?

Agh, I’m not sure.

I think SIL is being selfish. This is unfinished business of HIS, not hers. She should support him, as shocking as she may find it.

Has he asked for your advice?

Realistically, even if he thinks there's a chance he was the father, the child has been adopted and there will be no way for him to contact the child. Nor will the mother have any way to do so.

If she had wanted him to be involved at the time, she would have told him.

In his shoes, I'd leave well alone.

In your shoes, I'd keep advice to myself unless he specifically asked me.

He has asked me and I said I really wasn’t sure. Such a unique situation I guess.

Although your brother may not be able to contact his child now he could write a letter and have it placed in their adoption file for when they are 18. The child has to ask for the file.

It seems there are a few different things to consider.

If he wants to know whether his ex had a baby that could be his then obviously he needs to ask his ex - and probably in person so he can assess her body language.

His wife seems to be being a bit unreasonable to say she'll walk out if he meets his ex, providing he's only going to meet her once.

As to the child, because his paternity is unconfirmed, any legal rights he might have had were severed by adoption. The adoptive parents are the child's parents, the legal definition is 'as if born to them'. He can't force a DNA test to establish paternity.

What he can do is contact children's services to leave a letter about himself so that if the child comes looking when they're older and wants information, it's there for them.

I don’t understand your SiLs motives tbh?

do they have kids? Is she jealous? Is she normally unreasonable?

imo she is being v v unreasonable this is not a dog we are talking about it is a child, your brothers child who he knew nothing about and now he does he may well want to put a letter in the file

my only concern is does she definitely know that he was the father?

Her and my brother don’t have children together yet and I think she feels that this woman may have a “hold” on my brother that she doesn’t have yet? I’m not sure

From the way he said it, it seemed she was jealous of the “mother of his child” aspect, however that would be a very loose term for the situation and as far as I know this other woman is married.

I think your brother needs to try and reassure her and allay her fears

but like I said this is his child

I didn’t know a mother could give a child up for adoption without the consent of the father so I’m thinking she did say she didn’t know who he was?? As in didn’t even know his name because surely they’d have to try and track the father down

Was the child adopted? If so it seems unlikely he would get contact now. How sure is he he was the father? Maybe sil is concerned about him dredging up a worrying period in his past.

SIL needs to get over it and support your brother. Everyone has a past and she sounds very insecure.

The birth mother may have photos of the baby and might have contact through the letter box scheme.
Its understandable that your brother will have questions that only his ex can answer.

Although your brother may not be able to contact his child now he could write a letter and have it placed in their adoption file for when they are 18. The child has to ask for the file.

This.

I have a friend who had a child adopted in her late teens. It was a holiday romance.

Her daughter asked for her file when she was 21 and got in touch with her mum. They now have an incredible relationship and her daughter has a son, making my friend a grandmother. It's been great for her feeling like that part of her life has come full circle.

Her daughter would love nothing better than to know who her father was, just so that she could place that part of the puzzle in her life and that of her son. He probably has half-siblings and has many questions about that side of his family.

Not telling you one way or the other is right or wrong, just something to ponder.