Partner Cheating - Disclosed Abuse

[changedmyname23]

Sorry if this is a tabling mess I am completely in shock.

Yesterday a woman from instagram messaged me to tell me my husband had been messaging sending her messages telling her how beautiful she was.

Off the back of confronting him I have discovered that he has been using cam girl sites again. I had previously discovered this and it very nearly ended the relationship. He said he was depressed and there was other signs and he promised to get helps he didn't but did start taking care of himself more.

I have told him under no uncertain term this relationship is over. I do not want to be with him and he has to find somewhere else to like in the new year. I have told him I just need to make it through Christmas for the sake of our 5 year old.

I have came home tonight and he has told be that he spoke to a councillor and that he has something to tell me. He has told me that he thinks his grandfather abused him as a child and that he has been suppressing these memories. He thinks that's why he acts out sexually and has been drinking too much (he had been previously escalating with his drinking during lockdown but been reasonable in the past 12 months).

I don't know what to do, he is desperate to save this family he has told me as much and I have been unwavering at anything he has said and have made it clear I am 100% done. He has been lying to me for at least 2 years all the way though planning and getting married. But nobody would lie about this would they? he looks distraught like an absolute shell of a person he wouldn't say this for sympathy? We have been together for 10 years surely he would have said before now

So in the 24 hours since you found out he's found, booked and spoken to a qualified counsellor and in that one session he's unearthed suppressed memories of childhood sexual abuse? Like fuck he has!!

Or in case my cynical suspicion is working overtime: is he saying he's been speaking to a counsellor long term and didn't tell you??

Kick him out. He can work on his problems alone

These can be your boundaries while being compassionate.

He needs time, space and professional help. For that he needs at least a year of therapy and working on his own stuff, NOT the relationship. Separate for now. He looks at what he needs to get well.

I've worked in treatment and my experience is that this CAN happen. 99% of the time however, men shouldn't return to the same relationship. Patterns and codependency are already present and rewriting those boundaries in a healthy way is almost impossible.

Sorry.

No he said he spoke to somebody through his works healthcare over the telephone and she's opened a case he's to call back in a couple of days.

He's said he's told her that he thinks he was abused and that's why he does these things. I haven't asked too many questions I don't want to sound like I don't believe him encase it is true.

Just why have you never told me before etc all of which was he just couldn't

It may well be true but that does not mean you have to stay in a relationship to save / help / fix him.

For the sake of your child I would offer support and encouragement for him to seek proper therapy and help for him to work through this but that would be the extent of it. The relationship is still over, there might be reasons for his behaviour and they might be absolutely true and valid but that doesn’t magic away everything he’s done to you. It might explain it but it doesn’t negate or justify it.

stay strong, keep your resolve. We all have our shit to deal with, he needs to take responsibility now for finding his way forward

@MrsTerryPratchett thank you this is a lot to think about. At the moment I don't think I can be in this relationship but I may not always feel as strong

If I know it's actually for the best for both of us this might help me hold my nerve

Even if it is true - so what?
many many people have abusive experiences in their past and childhood, does t give us excuses to go out and cheat.
yes, he may be cheating because of low self worth, desire for risky situations etc that stem from abuse - but it still doesn’t ok what he’s done!

Last time he was depressed but didn't seek help. This time he's uncovered childhood trauma?

The (possible) reasons don't undo what he's done. I agree with other posters, you can (and should) still separate whilst he works on these issues with specialist counsellors (who he is unlikely to find at the end of a phone line provided by his work - I would assume the person he spoke to is going to refer him on if any of this is true).

If I know it's actually for the best for both of us this might help me hold my nerve

It genuinely is, I promise.

OP, the way forward is to accept that he's telling the truth, do not question him on it any further. But hold your boundaries - you previously told him using cam sites was a deal breaker, and he broke the deal. That's on him. It doesn't matter why he did it - he did it, and that's that.

I've worked with many abuse survivors and acting out can very much be a part of the after effects - but there are also plenty of people out there who have never been abused and also use porn/cam sites/sex workers/random hookups. The behaviour isn't indicative one way or the other.

Self-medicating with alcohol - that's much more common. But again, there's plenty of alcoholics out there without a traumatic history.

Detach with love now, let him work on his stuff while you protect yourself and your DD emotionally.

Am glad I'm am not alone in these thoughts I had previously spoke to a CBT therapist through my work and it took a couple of weeks to sort anything.

It sounds like he spoke to like a first contact person or employee assistance program (if he actually spoke to anybody)

what a horrible 24 hours for you

tbh regardless of his history, he’s treated you awfully. nothing in his past would negate what he’s done to you in tne current.

I was horrifically abused throughout my childhood. I have never cheated, lied to my DH about my conduct or gone behind his back.

Your DH needs to leave, work through his issues and then if you wish to, discuss the marriage. You are not responsible for him.

Where is the grandad now?

Deceased has been since my parter was 10

It may well be true, but that doesn't change what he's done or that he's now using it to manipulate you into staying in the relationship.

My husband also disclosed trauma and abuse when I found out about his infidelity. It immediately had the effect of making him the victim and I had to support him, even though I was the one who had been treated horrifically for 2+ years while I helped him through his depression (which started at the same time as his affair). I felt trapped, I couldn't leave. Struggled on for a few months and knew something was off again, things weren't matching up. I uncovered a second affair and this time he gave me the name of his abuser. I have looked back and I can see that there is an ongoing pattern of bad behavior on his behalf and me then reaching the end of my tether and wanting to leave. He then destabilises me by disclosing something "bigger". We're divorced now, though the manipulation continued for a long time after. Not sure it is always conscious with him but when I read through messages with his affair partners, the dynamic was exactly the same. You may not be in the same situation, but I would recommend caution. Don't become a codependent enabler, from one who knows.

I’m not sure how Being abused gives someone the right to message women and deceive you? He’s also a proven liar? Being cynical - he’s been caught out again and sounds like last ditch attempt to manipulate you !

Fuck that shit. He's trying to pull on your heart strings to make you feel badly for him, but the truth is that men just like wanking on cam sites, and he's trying to save face.

Carry on as you usually would, and keep making it clear it's over and that you hope he gets help to deal with his past trauma, but that it's not your problem anymore.

This 👆

Bullshit. It's to distract away from possibly (hopefully) dumping his arse and make you feel sorry for him instead.

When my ex's back was against the wall, he claimed to have walked into the river. He went on anti-depressants etc. He went on to cheat again.

People will say all sorts of things to get off the hook.

And to be honest, my ex did/does have his problems and issues - but eventually you realise, it's not your job to sacrifice your peace of mind and happiness and self-esteem so he doesn't have to face up to the consequences of his actions. You can't "fix" him with your own pain.

Did the talk of Christmas not ring alarms in August??? 🙄

🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️

Oh yeah, no obviously not. 😂 In fairness they've been on about the Christmas meal at work.