Missing excitement at start. Now boring routine. Help me get out of my head

[Winemygoodenemy]

Hello wise mumnets. I think I need perspective on my relationship. I am not too sure it’s me that has enjoyed the honeymoon period and now getting bored in a routine relationship now and miss the excitement. I tend to bail out when I feel relationships get routine. This relationship feels different and I want to get myself out of this headspace.

We have been dating for nearly a year in our 40s. No dependants, busy jobs with variable work hours, some not matching and live 45 minutes away from each other. I work longer days, not finishing till 7pm. I do love him, but starting to hate the distance. He has admitted to only dating locally or through hobbies, so he isn’t used to it. I don’t mind the distance as dated long distance before - it just takes more planning.

At the start he was really great at consistency with communication. He always made more of an effort to see me 3 times a week. Easier him coming to mine due to my work hours and I have a pet. I do tend to go to his at a weekend or try 1 night a week when I don’t have to travel in rush hour. Can take double the time to work for both as we work close to where we live. I do try and share the travelling. He used to stay at mine for a few days at a time.

Now he is not as consistent with texts, lessened communication and we see each other once a week. There has been a few occasions I am starting to think he is not that bothered about creating a future and I am a stop gap. I am not needy and don’t chase guys and make same effort as they do. I do feel on occasion I am chasing him for contact. He is responsive when I call and affectionate when we meet. Wants to plan things in the future and I have met family and friends. He never cancels when we make plans.

I have talked to him and he said he sees a future, loves me and life is busy just now. He was falling behind with work, stressed at work and finding the distance hard with his long hours / been doing overtime due to team sickness. Says he wants to make it work and weekends are best for quality time. He has only ever dated locally and via hobbies. We met online.

What do I do? I love him but feel he is not making the effort. Or it’s just me missing the excitement at the start of a relationship

Do you see each other once a week and weekends? or just once a week? It sounds as though he's cooling a little, but maybe its simply stress and trying to fit everything in.
Does he have other hobbies that he does when he's not seeing you? Or regular mates meet ups?
You say he doesn't cancel when he's committed to something, so maybe its just that you've slipped into not organising as much as you used to?

Can you hand on heart say you're doing your fair share of travel?

@Gazelda its only once a week at the weekend only. Yes we take it in turns or depends on what we are doing. I live in the city and him quite rural.

yes he sees his mates on a Friday night. Hobby one night a week too. I also see my friends weekly.

can accept the weekly thing, but it’s lack of communication that is annoying me.

How often to contact each other?

@Notaboutthebass we text daily. At the start he would text lots. Mostly him. Now it’s a few check in texts a day. Not heard from him today. He left mine at 7am this morning and had to travel for meetings.

last time k called him he was joking he would in the phone for ages.

Personally I know the distance would get to me eventually unless I was absolutely mad about someone After a day at work and getting in late, the last thing I would want to do is drive somewhere 45 mins away and then back to work again the next morning. I would lose interest after a while. Depends what you want really. He seems attentive enough from what you are saying but if what you have isn’t enough, then maybe it’s time to move on.

Having said that, the vast majority of relationships lose the excitement stage after so long.

@KIW i think I am comparing the start when it was exciting to now. Distance is hard, especially if I finish at 7pm and back up at 6:30am. I do travel to his on those days.

he is keen to meet at weekend when there is no pressure. We have just come back from holiday.

How would you describe that excitement in your 40s compared to your 20s?

Do you want to have children with him? Get married? What's the "motivation" to keep going?

@cassiatwenty suppose difference is less work responsibilities. 20s spent socialising and less tired. No online dating so would meet someone closer to home.

@Goatbilly i would like to create a future. Move in together.

What do I do

You stop minimising your feelings. You don't like things as they are so you tell him what needs to change for you to be happy. If he does it, great. If not, he doesn't care about whether you're happy enough to over ride whatever behaviour is bothering you, so he's out.

After a year you should be seeing more of each other - not less .
sounds like he is losing the energy this requires

@Watchkeys I have told him. Work situation makes it hard. Think we started high and now it’s reality. Can we last?

@Fidgety31 yip that’s what it feels like. Or he is lazy dating. He is always tired and in pain as waiting on surgery to get something fixed. But not that communicative when we are not with each other

I think as watchkeys says, if what you want is progression (moving in) and more effort with contact then you need to be straight with him about that. It either leads to a convo about timelines, locations re progression and carving out times inside busy days or it doesn't and you recognise you both want different things?

It sounds like your schedule isn't that flexible (work, pet) and he's got a lot on as well.

Personally I can't be arsed to text shit throughout the day.

Be careful what you wish for, there's something really nice about having your own life and friends and just looking after yourself but also having a SO for weekends, holidays etc.

Could either of you move closer to the other?

@supercali77 we discussed it early on. Both looking for a relationship. Both don’t want to live in each others area. Him doesn’t like city, me he lives too rural. We discussed compromise between areas recently.

@Paq i understand that. I am independent and he is too - he has been single for ages. I don’t want to lose my independence but I do want to see him more.

I think if you both want to be together you should both be willing to compromise. I can see myself writing this post in a year and not knowing what will be best. Neither of us can move due to our children.

@Whoknows11 i know. I think we will. I am due to sell mine soon and he wants to move. We might rent for a bit together

“Or it’s just me missing the excitement at the start of a relationship”

This.

You’ve got so used to that honeymoon period you’re thinking something’s wrong with you, or him, now it’s settling. You’re at the point where you either grow together or grow apart – your relationship deepens or the cracks start to show.

If it’s the excitement you want then now’s the time to end it and go in search of your next adrenaline rush.

Moving in together is the wrong thing to do when you’re feeling unsure.