Apologies in advance for the extra-long post - I feel as though I need to give some context.
I don't think I love my husband anymore and am trying to figure out whether I should and how I should leave him.
We are both in our early thirties and have been together for about 12 years. we have a three-year-old daughter. I was very happy with him, up until about 2 years ago.
A couple of years into our relationship, before we were married, my husband had a mental breakdown (exacerbated by the use of steroids). He has since been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, depression and is currently undergoing assessments for adult ADHD, and takes several medications to keep him stable. He also smokes a lot of weed, which I despise. I had no idea he was an habitual weed smoker up until a couple of years ago, because he hid it from me. But then I guess he decided he didn't want to bother hiding it anymore. It has been the topic of many blazing arguments and now he just refuses to see my point of view about it because he thinks it makes him feel better and ignores all the advice that tells him it makes it worse.
He has lost/walked out on several jobs over the past couple of years, for a variety of reasons, which all seem to be the employer's fault. He hasn't contributed financially to our family for 2 years. Because he hasn't been able to hold a job down, we had to move in with my parents a while ago because I couldn't afford the bills on my own. He is from another country and stays here on a spousal visa so isn't eligible to claim any benefits. Now he has stopped bothering to look for work and just lives off my money. I am a full-time mature student at university and also work 32 hours a week. When I am not at university I am at work, and when I am not at work, I am with our 3-year-old. I never have a day off. He spends his days in our bedroom in my parents' house, takes the dog out for a walk about 6 times a day, which is a cover to go and smoke a joint because I don't want my parents finding out. Small credit to him, he does look after our child when I'm not there and has a great relationship with her, but my parents also help him a lot when I'm not there. I'm the one who gets up in the middle of the night if she cries, even if I have finished work at 2am, or have to get up for uni at 6am, because otherwise he complains and I'd rather not listen to it.
He never does anything or goes anywhere with me or my daughter. If I suggest we do something, he just doesn't want to. He has no friends, doesn't socialise, doesn't want to go out to eat, date nights, etc. He just isn't interested. There is always something wrong with him, every single day he has some kind of illness. if I have an illness he says he has it too, without exaggeration. I'm sure if I told him I had menstrual cramps he would tell me he had them too.
He is completely paranoid; I'm guessing because of the weed. I have never cheated or given him any reason to think that I would cheat. I have literally given him my everything for the past 12 years. Last week a couple of ex (male) colleagues came into my place of work. I hadn't seen them for probably ten years or so. It was nice to see them and then later on one of them sent me a message on FB to say how nice it was to see me and that we should arrange a lunch with some of our other ex-work colleagues. I didn't reply to the message, but my husband clearly had been through my messages and saw it, then was accusing me of all sorts.
He constantly messages me while I'm at university or at work to see where I am or what I'm doing. If he is having a difficult time with our daughter, he bombards me with messages complaining about it. I very rarely go out, but I have a very close-knit circle of 4 female friends who we have both known for years. We go out for lunch and a couple of drinks when we can arrange to get together. This happens every couple of months because we live in different cities. While I am out with them, he bombards me with messages asking me when I'm going to be home, and if I don't respond immediately or if I can't give him a time that I will be home then the messages turn abusive. Last time this happened I burst into tears in front of my friends - they read his messages and told me it's time for me to leave him. Bearing in mind they know about all the other things previously mentioned and have been witnesses to our relationship for the majority of it.
He makes it difficult for me to find time to do my university work, making excuses like he needs a break from our daughter because he's so tired or so ill or he never gets a break, to the point where I feel guilty and put my school work on the back burner, which means I am now very behind with my work. He resents that I go to university, he would never say that, but I know it from his attitude towards the days that I have to go in. Yet he is happy to spend my student loan.
I used to be a confident, independent person and I feel like I've become a shell of myself. He picks me up from work and I worry if I'm a few minutes late getting out of the building because I know he will make a big deal about it.
We have our laughs, and I'm sure he thinks we're doing alright, but I just don't love him anymore. I love him but I am not in love with him. I'm craving a partner who contributes to the relationship/family and who wants to do things with me. I'm unhappy, but I don't know if wanting these things makes me the a/h? I have tried to help him for years, but he is not willing to give up the weed or change any of his ways.
My big problem is that because he is here on a spousal visa, meaning if we separate it will change his status. He will have to go back to his home country until we have sorted out a different visa. Which I am more than happy to help him with. I'm happy to help him find somewhere to stay etc. My biggest worry is that he will not allow me to help him with these things because he will be hurt and if that's the case then he won't get these things done because he is not proactive at doing things for himself. if he doesn't get those things done it will mean he stays in his home country, which I know he doesn't want to do. Ultimately this will impact our daughter and that's what I'm worried about most of all as she loves him.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or any advice to offer. I feel stuck.
Thanks in advance.