Living as flatmates after 30 years

[Suburbanqueen]

My marriage has been over for 4 years. We had always had a stormy relationship and we separated 6 years ago. I fell apart and took an overdose (not just about the marriage, I had had a very toxic relationship with my mother too. She was an abusive alcoholic) and I begged him to come back. He did and in a last roll of the dice, we made the decision to leave London and move to coastal Dorset. I am homesick and regret it bitterly. However, we are here and have some friends and part-time jobs. The issues which drive us apart are still here. He is a binge drinker. We have an adult son who lives here and doesn't earn enough to move out and DH keeps on about my 'breakdown ' and reminding me how ill I was and throwing things back at me. Mostly I have tried to absorb this and carry on. I was frightened of becoming suicidal again and unable to afford moving back home to London.
He has told me three times that he wants to leave over the past 2 years and I agreed to it. I was ready to get the house on the market etc and twice he has backed down saying he did love me and blaming lockdown, the depression of getting old etc etc. He is 65, I am 63. He was drinking every day when he wasn't working and becoming unpleasant and insulting. I snapped this week. My son is also difficult. He was addicted to weed and I don't think he is taking it at the moment but I am not sure, I can't smell it. My gut wrenches when I worry about him. He is bright and handsome but wastes his life in a rubbish job. He has no friends here and hates his father. It's a three way mad dance we lead.
This week after Dh was vile yet again, I waited until he was sober and laid out 4 options

1. We sell the house despite the dire economic situation and I try to move. Can't afford to go home so would have to stay down here. Fills me with dread and fear.
2. He moves out. He can't afford rental on his salary so would have to dig into savings. I can't afford to run this house alone either so would also dig into savings. Nor do I want to stay here as I dislike the house.
3. We live as flatmates until the economy picks up and we can sell.

He preferred option 3, as on balance so do I.

If you've read this far, thank you. Sorry for long winded post. Has anyone managed this situation with success? It isn't a great house for living separate lives. One open plan living area but luckily 3 bedrooms. Any tips on managing things? I am so lonely. I have had counselling and it has helped a bit but I feel homesick and tearful. I dwell on the past and am angry with myself for putting up with this crap all my life. I am naturally a peace maker as I grew up with warring parents. I hate conflict now. DH is remaining polite at the moment and family coming for Christmas. Many 'mutual ' friends events coming up.

Thanks again. Can anyone give me advice on living like this? X

If I was you, I honestly wouldn’t long term. But I can understand why you would right now. Have you thought about asking to go for drinks / dinner with some of your current friends or asking people from work? I know you said you have mates but I think it would do you the world of good to feel secure in your social circle.

It sounds like a lot of your life has been pleasing other people and putting yourself last. I would spend this time worrying less about him and more about you. Find out what you like and what you don’t. Explore passions and hobbies. Make new friends and encourage the relationships you already have to grow. If you continually put yourself (and your son, of course, but this is less about him) as a priority, it’ll get easier with every day until you’re at a point where you can’t believe the way you used to live.

I would also establish clear boundaries that your bedroom will be a space for you and you alone and that you’re going to respect his privacy and appreciate if he would do the same. Meals, communications etc is at your own discretion but it’s important not to fall back into old toxic habits.

Just as an add on, do not allow yourself to be small so he can be big. So many times, from experience, when you’re living with someone in a situation like this it’s so much easier to want to stay in your room and not be around communal areas but it’ll make you feel so much worse in the long run. You’ve got as much right as he does to live however you want in your own home.

Thanks Kiwiiem for such a thoughtful reply. Yes, I have always tried to pacify everyone and it just doesn't work. I will not allow myself to be intimidated. I do try to socialise and I did a pottery class which I loved. I want to do art class too. I find spending time with strong women very helpful. Thanks again. X

Just a little update. We struggled through Christmas but now Easter looms and he has started again. Threatening to kill himself this time too. I don't know if this is just manipulation but he did take an overdose before I met him.
Anyway, I now have no choice but to get a divorce and sell the house and start again. I have my own bedroom which feels like a prison now. Hard to go on but I have my kids and my granddaughter. Some people have nothing at all.

Oh dear goodness - see a solicitor about your situation, get the house on the market and get divorced. Anything else is just continuing the torture. Your son is an adult, as is your husband. You’re not responsible for them - they are. Sell and start again. Not from scratch, but with experience and this time doing what is best for you - away from this man.

Yes, you're right. Butter wouldn't melt today! Weirdo!