DH has been reading my emails

[errrrr]

I came home early last night and found he'd logged onto my email account and had opened a couple in my sent tray to an old friend for whom he knows I once had slightly more than friendly feelings (ages before I met DH and very shortlived at that). It was, of course, totally innocent; I was only suggesting coffee since it had been over a year since we'd last spoken.

I was quite angry at the intrusion and the lack of trust it implied. He can't possibly have grounds to suspect me of anything.

Should I be worried?

Rightly or wrongly maybe he is feeling insecure and is worried that your feeling may turn to something else - put yourself in his position how would you feel. Be completely honest with him and maybe invite him along to the coffee so he sees that there is nothing to worry about.

nah
not unless you have something to hide

dh and I have read each others emails,we have nowt to hide.

well i can understand why he might be worried, you need to talk to your dh

and reassure him

probably reading that you are planning coffee with an old bf has shaken him

hello Errrr,

a daddymumsnetter here...

My tough stance on this might surprise a few here but I think it is totally unacceptable to read a partner's emails. Or text messages. It's a question of trust. Of personal space. I just do not think it is fair on the other partner if they feel they have to be careful what they right, in case it is misinterpreted (which the written word so often can be).

How was he able to log on to your mail account anyway? Did he have your password (crazy if that's the case) or do you mean he opened a mail programme like Outlook? If it's the latter, he has no cause to go snooping because it's not as if you would leave anything incriminating there.

I know there is the share everything attitude - and I reckon I enjoy one of the better communicated marriages around - but your mail is your private space and although the misdemeanour on its own is not huge, I would draw the line now so it doesn't go further.

So... a gentle telling off that he over stepped the boundaries. And, if he really needs it, a gentle reassurance that he has nothing to worry about and, as has been suggested, perhaps there is scope to meet up with him and this other friend together.

One final thought - he was obviously snooping because he thought there was something to find. That is maybe the bigger issue. Why did he have cause to think that? Is he possessive and insecure? If yes, best to be firm on your boundaries now. Have you been behaving in a way that may give him cause for concern? If yes, you need to be a little more considerate. Are there any other underlying issues in the air? If yes, you need to identify them and deal with them together.

Hope all that helps.

write not right!!! d'oh!!

DH and I effectively share an email account and have access to each others at all times. Your DH may still have underlying concerns about your relationship with your friend even though YOU know its all totally innocent. My DH kept in touch with his ex for a while when we first got together, its complicated but she had/has a tough life and he still felt responsible for her even though she cheated on him, he was even giving her money. I explained how uncomfortable it made me feel , not threatened exactly but more jealous of what they'd shared and cross that he still seemed to let himself be manipulated by her (difficult to explain), and he stopped the money thing and started to cut down on the contact. She's now married and in Australia. They have occasional email contact that I can look at any time I like. I no longer feel the need to though. Have to say I would have been devastated to find he'd been planning to meet up with her.

Completely agree with postingatlast.....

My email account is generally open all the time, which means that dh could access anything and everything should he so choose. He doesn't choose to do so. However, if he did, I really wouldn't mind as I have nothing to hide.

I wouldn't assume that his reading my emails was because of a lack of trust; more a healthy curiosity.

absolutely agree with postingatlast.

Bloody hell the trouble people have with snooping into thier partners stuff. I find it amazing that people regularly 'check' their partners emails and texts without thier knowing. Reading a message when taken out of context is asking for trouble and can be very easily misconstrued.

Personally, DP and I often access each others emails due to business/bills etc, but our mobiles are private; I would not dream of fiddling with this phone and he feels likewise. He also doesn't go rummaging in my handbag (he asks me before goes in it to nick borrow some money etc, and I am the same with going in his pockets/wallet.

It is not secrecy, it is respect for each other's personal stuff/space.

spot on in your last sentence, getormoiland. I think some people sometimes mistake "total openess" for a licence to snoop into personal space. And the very reason I never look at DW's stuff is because I do trust her and don't feel the need to snoop.

Hmmmmmmm, what I am trying to say but clumsily not managing to, is that by the very fact that we know we both have boundaries of personal space, far from hiding secrets from each other, we are actually much more open than most. Does that make sense?

but if all is weel in the world then you would mention the emails ypou had been exchanging to your partner and say to him look old flame has been in touch again i am suggesting coffee with him..you don't have any objections do you [searching look]

if he does you can then say rofl of course i don't still have the hots for him

bit if it really matters to you i shan't see him or whatyever

FWIW dp went round his ex wife's house a couple of months ago to look at her boiler. He told me when he came home. Cool. No problem.

However if I had been snooping about and saw a text saying 'coming tonight to look at your pipes' I could have misconstrued it and all sorts of upset could have happened.

That's the thing, isn't it? If you find something that may be incriminiating (or peerfectly innocent) you can say anything to your partner, because to do that would reveal that you had been snooping. It's a whole bloody can of worms.

I would be so pissed off if dp went and looked in my phone.

@ "coming round to look at your pipes"!!!

I reckon an "imaginary sentences which could be completely misconstrued" thread would be very interesting.

But I digress, back to this thread...

Interesting POV, personally I don't feel that my interactions with other people via email or whatever are that personal that they need to be hidden from my DH or have his access to them regulated. Having said that we do our our boundaries too, Dh would never dream of going in my bag/purse, neither of us would dream of reading any email/texts/post without asking/telling the other. I guess its the fact that we could means we actually don't. However, that works for us now, even 3 years ago I think I too might have valued my personal space far more than I feel the need to now.

I read DH post, emails, texts, everything, and he mine; we're running a business together in managing the home and caring for DC, so we need to be on top of all communications that come in to us both, in case they affect arrangements. I dont feel these are in anyway personal, and if they were, I'm sure DH wouldnt be in the least bit interested in reading them (obviously I'm not talking about any contacts he didnt know about)

I'll have to think where our boundaries are - we spend a far bit of time apart pursuing our own interests, but even these we discuss with each other pretty fully.

I would be absolutely furious if DH read my emails, texts or letters without asking me first - we may be married but I do still have an identity all of my very own, and would regard it as a gross invasion of my privacy.
I agree that the OP's DH clearly has some issues which need to be talked about - just as soon as you've read him the riot act!

God, I must have no privacy at all !
If I get a text on my phone and dp is near it, I ask him to read it to me!
I have sent messages for him to male/females as he can't think of what to say/be bothered to answer himself.
We access each others emails if we need to, but usually there is a specific reason for this, but the option is always there if one of us wanted to 'snoop', but I don't and I don't think he does either, if he's looking for something specific he will just go in and look whether im there or not and vice versa.
As for my purse and bag! Well its free range for the full household to rummage through as I usually have all the money/cards that anyone needs.
I thought this was all normal, and may possibly start to be suspicious if this was to change, as i suspect would dp.

and don't get me wrong, we also do the "can you read me that text" thing when one comes in. I think it is the difference between being invited to look as opposed to inviting oneself. Plus my computer is always on and my emails are totally accessible if DW wanted to but she doesn't. In fairness, I think most of us are in pretty similar situations, just with slight nuances. And I still maintain that a partner going behind their partner's back, when there is no explicit or implicit understanding that it is ok to access their texts and emails, is wrong.

I (finally) caught my dh cheating by snooping into his e-mails, and he was furious. But I feel (and still do) that his right to privacy was a great deal less important than my right not to be cheated on. Weirdly he is still much more touchy about me looking at his stuff than I am about his cheating. I find that difficult to understand. I have no issues with him seeing my e-mail because there is nothing to hide in any way shape or form there. In the same way he knows my online name. I really think coming down hard is not the way to go here. If it is deliberate looking and not idle flicking through then there is probably a reason why he did it. It may not be a legitimate reason, but chances are he is feeling that horrible "something is wrong" feeling. If there is nothing in it at all please try and avoid feeling righteous and be kind to him! He is probably feeling awful. I know I felt incredibly guilty for looking at dh's stuff, and I had every reason to be suspicious (just needed proof).

I didnt ever check up on my xp and the only reason i found out he was cheating on me was because he had a text off a female, i have no problem with that, i called him and said xp you have a text off .... i was sorting some things out in the room his phone was charging. He came into the room looked at it for 2 seconds and it was a long message i saw that much, i said what did .... want, he said nothing, i said oh its about work boringgg and laughed he said no and walked off (he would normally just say what it was about, as we have mutual friends who all know her etc etc). So only then did i pick up his phone to see what it was about (i thought it was about work as he was very stressed out at the time with the long hours he had been getting, (or so i thought ), he had put a block on his messages so i couldnt read them.

He has never done that before, as many times he`s asked me to reply to messages for him while driving etc etc

I asked him for the code, after 5-10 mins he let me have a look.

What i read when i open the message nearly knocked me off my feet, i was totally gobsmacked i felt my world had been stolen from under my feet.

I never ever went through his phone, emails or anything of his come to think about it, the only reason i did this time was because i thought something bad had happend at work (loads of horrible things go on at his work)

He always looked at my messages, so i gave up on having on a phone for a year and every contact i had went onto his phone.

He would even read my msn chats to my sister

How stupid was i?

But it is about trust and i DID trust him 100% i never ever thought he would do this.

errr i don`t think you need to be worried but i think a chat with him is the way to go

For me the difference is between being able to read your partner?s emails/texts and actually reading them.

My computer is always switched on, I?m always leaving my mobile phone lying around, I have nothing to hide and if dh really wanted to read my emails and texts then it wouldn?t be that hard for him to do so. But if he started going behind my back and started reading my mails and texts then I would want to know why he had felt the need to read them rather than to just ask me outright.