Having doubts but do I know they’re real?

[Watermelon223]

Hi Everyone, I’m after some advice please or perhaps someone has been in a similar situation and can share experiences.

Ive been with my partner for 11 years, we have 2 DC, we’re not married but have a house together. I’ve been feeling for a while now that I’m unsure if I want to be with him long term, I think we’re just two different people, I’m laid back, he’s more intense. There’s a few things….

• He has become quite shouty with me and the kids, it is becoming a regular occurrence. I don’t feel like I can share my point my view as I just get shouted down.
• He’s very particular about things in the house, if I leave a spoon on the side for example I get told off. There’s other things too.
• He often belittles me in front of friends
• i find myself not really wanting to be intimate, he pretty much grabs me every night which I don’t really like.

Theres probably a few more things but I’m sort of sitting on the fence, how do I know if I break up with him that it’s the right thing? Do I just sit and wait it out to see if my feelings change? I know if we split he would be devastated and wants to get married etc…
Sorry for rambling on!

The most important question is have you spoken to him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel - and if so what was his response?

Yes I think the biggest one at the moment is the shouting and telling me off, I have said to him on numerous occasions don’t speak to me like that, he just shouts me down and makes it into my fault. To be honest, over the years I’ve probably just backed down as I’m not a confrontational type of person and I don’t like arguments

The things you've listed would give me doubts about wanting to stay with someone too! Those are all pretty big things that for me, would be deal breakers. Those feelings of having doubts are your intuition. I'd listen to it. Your post reads kinda like you're gaslighting yourself into shutting down your own intuition and minimising these serious issues into something that's not a real problem.

You've attempted to enforce a boundary by telling him not to speak to you like that, but by staying with him anyway you're inexplicitedly telling him it's okay to shout at you. He's shown that he's not respectful of your feelings or your boundaries, so this behaviour won't change. It's up to you if you can live with it or not.

So he’s a moody, shouty, controlling, bullying sex pest? Can see why you have doubts he sounds horrible to live with. Can’t be nice for the kids living with such a grumpy shouty dad either.

@yellowsmileyface I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, I just brush them to the side and never brought it to my mind as being an issue.
The thought of upsetting the family and splitting everything up so it just so massively daunting for me

It's understandable that it would feel daunting. Ending the relationship would be a big transition for the family, but you have to do what's right for you and your kids. It sounds like you want to break up with him. Many women in a similar situation post here asking for advice on how to appease their partners, with no intention of ending things. But you're already thinking about ending things, which suggests to me you know that things won't get better.

You kids may struggle with the transition initially, but it doesn't sound like a healthy environment for them currently. If you have a son, do you want him to grow up thinking that's how he should treat his future partner? If you have a daughter, do you want her to grow up thinking that's how she should be treated?

If you do decide to end things, make the decision and stick to it. It sounds like he has the potential to become quite emotionally manipulative. He will likely blame and guilt you for "breaking up the family". You have to remember that he is responsible for his own actions and behaviour, and you'd be doing nothing wrong in saying enough is enough.

I agree with yellow, you're minimising your feelings.

Any idea why you do this? It usually comes from childhood; did your parents listen to you? Were they respectful of your feelings, and each others'?

He has become quite shouty with me and the kids, it is becoming a regular occurrence. I don’t feel like I can share my point my view as I just get shouted down.

He’s very particular about things in the house, if I leave a spoon on the side for example I get told off. There’s other things too.

He often belittles me in front of friends

i find myself not really wanting to be intimate, he pretty much grabs me every night which I don’t really like.

Wow, what a catch - not.

He sounds like a bully and treats you like a child rather than an equal. Very controlling behaviour.

Your feelings and the way he treats you won't change unless you do something about it. I personally wouldn't put up with it.

You only get one life.