I want to kill her!

[singlemumhelp]

So with my previous thread I decided to block the step mother on Facebook after she put up she has to de-nit his hair (I check daily always have done as school is school.) and I was like it's not needed on Facebook and she claimed it's their every day life so it does, anyways I blocked her and now this is wrong and I apparently don't care for our relationship. Stated I don't need one with her only his dad for purposes of the child, she has kicked off because I bought the same present because my son asked me and she believed when I uploaded it on Facebook I was laughing because she bought it not because I had bought something I was pleased with! AppRently I play the victim etc, when I stated I don't she had the affair with my husband and I only explain how she is. Apparently I am jealous that she has my family.
So drop off today and my son comes home usoet. Irs his birthday this week however they did his birthday this weekend. He tells me his dad told him his Pokémon holder we bought was lame because it doesn't hold as many cards, she told him that he has learnt to tie his shoelaces wrong, she has asked my son to tel her what he asks me for so she can buy it before I do and not tell me.. we are going on holiday next year and my son is excited but said he can't tell daddy as he tells the step mother to try and copy! Told them how he asked me for a Xbox and they said I won't buy it as the the money I get I use for my youngest son only which is crap. As they both hve the same soend, it's me that buys the iPads and Nintendo switches and now this Xbox! They were quick last week to want to go halves on buying school photos though! She expects to come to parents day and wants to be added to the school email losts to get all his updated info i was like again no you can't. She has openly said they couldn't cope full time with him yet appears like all they now want to do is take custody apprnerlt if I have a drink if he's not there or touch drugs (never have) she will take full custody! I don't know who to report this all too, what to even suggest my head hurts. How can people not see how nasty she is

Ok if I were you I would start gathering evidence. Keep all the messages ,emails that are abusive and blaming you for everything.
Record what your son says,what makes him upset.
In the meantime grey rock and keep all communications to a minimum. Don't get your son involved in the power struggle.

If they keep upsetting and pressuring him, tbh that's emotional abuse and i'd stop contact. It's then up to his dad to go to court and you'll have some written down evidence of what's going on. At his age his views will be taken into account, and in a few years no one can make him visit if he doesn't want to.

@ldontWanna I have started evidence, hoping to find my evidence from when he was younger md he was being a nightmare to reason with about our son, not turning up to hospital to doctors etc

I'm afraid you may have posted in the wrong place for any understanding. My DD's step mum is similar, but I don't see this as a step parent thing, she's just clearly a horrible woman. Here's some advice from someone who has been dealing with this kind of person for over 10 years:

• Leave the group chat.
• Communicate via email with your ex only (block her email on your account)
• Do not communicate with her on any topic for any reason. Block her on every media channel. There is no need for any form of communication between the 2 of you.
• Do not disengage from any comments made by your son about her. Acknowledge neutrally then change the subject.
• Christmas - get your son into the habit of writing 2 lists. One for Mom and one for Dad.
• Ref Mothers day, honestly, I let that one go.. DD spends it with her. The sheer amount of fuss she made the one time I asked if she could spend it with me caused DD so much upset it simply wasn't worth it.
• Never take the bait. That is what she wants you to do. Engaging with her enables her.
• Rise above any pettiness - if it won't matter in 5 years time, it's not worth expending any emotion on.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such a toxic person. It's soul destroying to watch the damage this does to a child.

@singlemumhelp

You can only try so much before enough is enough.

She obviously pushing it to gain control. Probably trying to make you look bad.

Honestly don't have any of it. Don't let her take over she needs to be respectful to you as his BM.

She needs to treat your DS well soon he will realize what he is like. I do hope she not trying to cause issues so your DS don't have any contact with his DF.

Just really put your foot down honestly your his DM.

Maybe try speaking to her I suppose she does have your child. But make it clear a few things and maybe meet her half way. Mother's day should be with you.

I honestly don't know what she trying to do here.

Don't let her undermine your parenting to your DS.

I know it won't work but I would be saying to the ex he comes take your DS on his own if she keeps going on like this. She has NC with him because she saying things to him which is not nice. You have been nice to her but now she pushing it.

I don't know how old your DS but honestly one day he will see her for what she is. Only he can speak to his dad tell him how he feels too. Then you won't have this I tell you.

Do you have any idea why it’s turned around? From a good 5 years previous to the nightmare she is now?
It’s absolutely no excuse for such shite behaviour she sounds awful, but if there was no fight, no drama you can think of that set this off, could she be having other problems, eg lost her job, fertility issues, relationship problems with your ex husband? I’m just thinking that of the people I know who behave badly after previously being quite nice, there is usually something that has changed in their life.

@singlemumhelp

This is better advice you been given.

Try it this way because she does seem to want you angry.

The thing is if you been nice then you and ex get a long for your DS so maybe she trying to throw a spanner in to make you look bad.

The only time you step in if she is really being cruel to your son. Making him feel a type a way.

Up until a year ago they were living firstly with his mum and then hers. They got together in 2016 a year after we were married, she said then she loved the life we built. They would have my son every Tuesday h til he started school and then it was every other weekend. He didn't have his own room. They moved into their first home together, been engaged so far for 4 years and get married in 2 years time. Since then she has been worse and worse. Saying that my ex doesn't want to deal with me that's why she does, that I am controlling as I bought them a gift from our son (he wanted to go cinema with daddy) so I bought gift card, and did a box uo with snacks and drinks and arcade 2ps and she reckons I am controlling, it was a nice Christmas gift I thought. She has now said she is his parent, he will always be her first born, (that even when she has a child he will still be her first born) but then that she will take her child away and not my son... but it's all for her to post on social media. They have moved house and they would get all these comments about being wonderful peiole because she decorated a room for my son, or paint some drawers. Irs as if she feeds on it, like with him havifn nits and everyone says she's wonderful. They take him barbers, so I said I would last week before school ohotonday and she's like he won't want to go with you so ring me and I'll take him. He went fine with me, she'll cut his nails and out it all over Facebook: I'm not sure how his family get see what she's doing. Never use to turn up to parent stuoud but now do to post on Facebook!

I have just found all my old evidence of whenhe was late to pick him up, lack of in date food for nursery, etc so I will keep bulking

I have just found all my old evidence of whenhe was late to pick him up, lack of in date food for nursery, etc so I will keep bulking

Unless that's in the past year or so, do they bother. It will look petty and the argument will be it didn't bother you that much then, so why now? Unless it's still happening.

Focus on what has been happening recently, her demands, stuff like he's her first born son if it's in writing. If she is abusive, or making threats , or slagging you off ,or changing arrangements around for no reason, what your son says that is upsetting him etc.

You keep calm and neutral in front of your son, listen to him but don't bad mouth them and then change the subject.

@singlemumhelp

Is your DS getting one to one time with his dad?

Have you said how old DS is? He has an x box but needs someone to cut his nails, gets nits and can’t do his shoe laces?

@AnneLovesGilbert he turns 8 on Wednesday.
It's take us a while to learn laces, and I am teaching him to do his own nails when they are long enough

@Quiegal nope she is always there! The rate weekend she is away with a friend he then takes him round to his brother in law whilst they play games and the kids play

@singlemumhelp

It's important he gets that one to one time without her there. She has no need to be too.

That's what your DS missing out on.

@singlemumhelp

Just thought maybe get your son to suggest he does his favourite with his dad alone. But be a bit clever say dad get so and so to get hair done and nails while we go MC donalds and then evening we do movies time. Making so his dad should treat her that way he gets his time on his own.

I just think I know your son's still young but be clever.

Get SM a day with a friend at a spa and let us go swimming just example. In the evening we play a family game that way she can't say nothing.

She has now said she is his parent, he will always be her first born, (that even when she has a child he will still be her first born)

She's nuts. You can't argue with crazy ^ the above statement is absolutely bonkers.
Also have you posted on here before ?

But since you have asked for a sp opinion and given the above that I truly think she's nuts. I also think you have a ex problem.

He could take charge and let you engage with him without her, he could say no we are the parents this doesn't involve you. And as much as I recognise she's bonkers - it has to be said he's even worse iMO. Because as a parent it's your job to parent, not to take over.

I don't always believe the story of mum being nuts on here and I think it's wise to think the same re sm here too (although on this occasion I do think she's behaving badly) . The bigger problem you have is your ex.

He's not a hapless man who was spell bound to propose to her, he does have the option of leaving

Leave the groups chat and block her on messenger too. He and her can keep adding you to the group (but she won't see your responses regardless if you have her blocked)

I also would take this to court tbh.

Just do not engage with her eventually they will get bored.

See I don’t get why she’s so invested. She’s making extra work for herself by trying to engage with you. It’s as if she thinks she needs to co parent with you which she absolutely doesn’t. Same with wanting to going to parents evenings and being on the school email list and the group chat. Really unnecessary expectations she’s putting on to herself.

@funinthesun19 imo I think it's probably the partner saying you should be doing x or y to make his life easier tbh.

Also a bit of a ego stroke to have two women hating each other whilst doing all the heavy lifting and not even realising.

I'm a stepmum and my DSCs mother is an absolute nightmare. I have zero contact with her. She had my number before as I had the kids for a week while my DP was in another country dealing with his brother's death. She abused it so she's now blocked. She flips between snarky comments and acting all friendly on the rare occasion I do a DO/PU. My DP has put boundaries in place to prevent this. DSD says goodbye to mum at the end of the driveway and runs into the hosie herself. There is no need for her to be contacting you. Block her on everything.

I've wasted so much energy stressing over what my DSCs mother does and says. You can't control her behaviour, only how you react to it. Let her be a psycho, rise above it and be the best example to your child of how people should behave and act. It sounds like he already knows she's crazy.

My DSDs nursery has my contact details as I do most of the school runs on the days due to our work schedules. I've also attended a stay and play session with DP as the nursery allowed DP and mum to have separate sessions. Mum didn't actually turn up for her session. If your kids SM wants her email added to the list let her. What difference is it going to make really? It's not worth stressing over.

Pick your battles. Stop stressing over everything she does. Buy whatever you want for your child and don't go halves on anything. Keep everything separate. Let them do what they want at theirs and you do you. Keep being a top mum. If SM copies you don't worry about it. Keep communication between your ex to strictly necessary, pick up times etc. Ignore everything else. She's not going to get full custody of your child no matter how many times she says it so ignore her.

God yeah now that I think about it I bet he’s behind it all! I hope his partner takes a big step back for her own sake and he gets on with doing it all himself. No need for group chats with OP or being on the school contact list. He can bloody do all that co parenting stuff himself with OP.

I wonder if there will be a new baby at some point in the next 5-8months.

No I wouldn’t have done the Christmas Box thing. You really shouldn't be committing your ex to anything unless you've asked and it was preagreed. I can see why doing so would be considered a little controlling.

The rest just ignore. Pull out the group chat, stop looking at your social media, reply only yo anything sent in the requested format. Don't think that they don't do fun stuff with your DS. Kids in these situations tend to try and curry favour by saying stuff like that. React to as little as possible, "what they do there is there, we do this"

@funinthesun19 Its just can't envision anyone being like I'm going to replace mum and do all the dogsbody work without any prompting/reason. No one's that thick iMO.

I mean the only one who benefits from sm doing all this stuff is dad so ... maybe I'm being jaded !