Can a narcissist change?

[Greengiant22]

I am worried about a family member. Her husband left her for another woman 4 months ago. We all knew he wasn’t the best partner, bad temper and spoke to her like shit most of the time but, since he left, more things have come out the woodwork. Controlling behaviour. Constantly lying. Previous cheating. Anger issues. Now he has come crawling back, it didn’t work out with the other woman. He is now saying he has changed. Realised he loves her. Knows his behaviour wasn’t right. He is being extra nice. Running errands for her. Messaging her lovely messages. Buying presents. So now she thinks he’s realised the error of his ways and has changed. I worry that this is all an act. So my question is do/ can these types of people change just like that? They have 2 young daughters and I’m worried if she lets him back in, he will just slip into his old ways.

I hate to say it but..... Nope and certainly not in 4 months. Has he had therapy or just "magically" changed?

How do you know he’s a Narcissist? That’s an actual clinical diagnosis.
Chances are he’s just an arsehole.
If he IS a Narcissist (in the clinical sense)then no, he can’t but he can pretend for a bit to get what he wants

If she's at all open to discussing it, suggest she reads "Why Does He Do That?" byLundy Bancroft.

He has a list of questions to test whether a former abusive man has truly changed.

This sounds awfully nice trying to have his cake and eat it. Agree with pp that can't tell if he's a narcissist, but certainly an unpleasant person. Everything he's doing is totally easy to fake but I fear your relative will find the nasty behaviour will creep its way back in once he's made himself comfortable again.

They only change when they want something, and even then the change is only temporary….

@MeltWithYou he’s “magically” changed apparently. As in one day he was old him giving her abuse, the next day he wanted to come back home and had changed personality. He is now being the man she always wanted him to be, but I’m just doubtful about how real this is. I don’t want her to get hurt again, so I wondered if anyone on here has been treated awfully for years for that person to change and stick to it.

@Echobelly that’s what my concern is 🙁

They don't change, they are incapable of change. They will pretend they have changed to get what they want, it's best to avoid them at all costs.

Greengiant

No he has not changed one iota. He is just love bombing her yet again and it will again end in idealisation, devalue and discard.

The change will be temporary, unfortunately.

They never change.

Because they are incapable of self-reflection and understanding there is something wrong with their behaviour.

They will always blame other people if any kind of criticism is aimed at them and create a different reality where they are the victim.

This is why the only way to deal with one is to cut them out of your life.

Lying and manipulating comes naturally to them because to a degree they actually believe their own lies so they are incredibly persuasive/ believable and able to fool people.

No.

Think about it. How cynical would you have to be to treat someone so badly and then tell them actually you love them and give presents. This is all for other people to see, to maintain his reputation as a nice guy and confuse the people who have given support.

He is a nasty piece of work and it is classic narcissistic behaviour to show how "good" you are in public and then be a real arsehole in private. Because narcissistic people enjoy bullying and manipulation of their victims and other people.

It's not change, it's part of the game.

I wouldn't ever say never because who knows, but I think a narcissist would never think they need to change and their motivations by definition will still be self serving. So I'm learning strongly towards no he won't have changed. If you're close enough with her I'd be inclined to show her the cycle of abuse diagram that shows how abusers will often start to charm their way back in before slowly going back to their old ways

@Cw112 It’s my cousin but we are the same age and are very close. I worry his motivation is self serving. There is no telling her though, she wants to believe he has changed. He hasn’t been diagnosed as a narcissist or anything but he definitely has the behaviours of one.

Nope. Narcissists don't change.

Have a look ar Dr Ramani on youtube. She's an expert on narcissism and has amazing content

i just wonder how long he can keep up this act for if it’s not genuine?