He Helps In The House

[TheShellBeach]

Does he, indeed?

I despair when I read threads in which women berate their husbands/partners for some awful transgression (like violence or coercive control) but then say "however, he helps a bit in the house." You know, as if hoovering once a week means his share of the housework is somehow equal to theirs.

Come off it. Housework is a chore and a joint enterprise. My DH and I share the work equally, and that used to include the childcare when the DC were little.

Some are just don't have the foresight or experience to see what it is . They don't know the bar is low. I doubt they think I'll pick this drug taker as a partner and have a baby. They don't know any different because it's a good choice.
Well done to the OP because she has sound judgement, others just don't have that.

But even if you believe it's down to sound judgement rather than luck, why start a thread bashing those that dont have that sound judgment?

There is no purpose to this thread other than victim blaming.

If the OP really cared about this issue she could have asked questions such as... how can we help young girls avoid getting themselves into this situation?

But no, this is just a self-congratulatory, victim blaming thread.

Yes to this!!

Don't blame the women. Blame the society that raised them to believe they should be grateful for a small amount of "help". I've lost track of the number of times a woman will say on here that her parents/friends etc all think she should let it go because he's a good earner or doesn't beat her.

It starts ridiculously young and when we try to.fight it we get eye rolls and accusations of being hysterical. I told dd that if the boy in her class keeps touching her face she should shout and she told me she can't because they aren't allowed to shout at other children. I spoke to the teacher who assured me she would.speak to the child. I believe she did. Didn't stop it happening. This was just the first incident in dds life. There will be many many more.

Why is it my fault my ex was shit? I left him. Eventually. He was abusive so it wasn't easy for me to leave but I did.

What do you think I could've done to make him do stuff around the house that I didn't try?

Yup. Dating he was fab. Kid, suddenly all my responsibility because he had a job.

Good for you OP.

My ex hoovered twice in 3 years, he'd clean the kitchen worktops occasionally. Yet would tell everyone he done everything for me. He fails to tell everyone that I was left to clean the room after giving birth as he wasn't touching any 'blood and guts'. (I was quarantined during labour as i had a cough).He then slept on the bed for a few hours.
That was the start of the coercive and abusive behaviour.

It’s always easy to judge from the outside and by your standards/ history/ worldview.

I personally will never understand women who stay with men who watch porn.
And worse case, they defend these misogynystic pricks, it’s pathetic.

But at the end of the they, it’s their own lives they waisting (sad for the kids though….)

@ADHDHelp Yes because no other cultures spoil their male children. Ridiculous comment!

Well it depends.

If I were a SAHM married to a high earner who worked long hours I probably wouldn't ask my DH to do anything around the house because it would all get done when he was at work. But then my housework standards are probably below average; I am always surprised at some of the cleaning schedules I see on here with hours devoted daily to cleaning.

However both parents WOH, roughly same hours, then it should be a 50-50 split. However, I do more cleaning and chores than my DH even though we work the same hours. Do I resent it? Not really as I offload admin, cars, sorting bills, finances and insurance etc to him which I hate doing and would rather push the hoover around.

But yes it's easy to blame other women for picking a bad'un if you've managed to snag yourself a perfect man.

Makes you wonder what all the men who live alone do;do they starve whilst wearing filthy clothes and wade knee deep through their crap in a festering house?

Or do they simply stop doing shit because they live with a woman?

Honestly, I think it's a bit of both. Also, many have higher standards for homes maintained by women vs homes they maintain themselves. So... if they live alone, they'll be living on ready meals, take outs, fried eggs etc. But then suddenly, they meet a woman, get used to a more varied, healthier diet and bang, 5 years later, there are complaints if his tea isn't on the dinner table when he gets home.

I also noticed when I was younger that while many men I knew had relatively tidy homes, probably tidier than mine to be honest, they were often not particularly clean. Bathrooms were uncluttered and "tidy" but dirty. Ditto inside fridges, surfaces etc. I once watched a good friend of mine who is very house proud, spend 3 minutes carefully picking crumbs off his kitchen counter .... it didn't seem to cross his mind to actually WIPE it down.

@thenewduchessoflapland my ex went straight from his mum to me to his new woman. He never lived alone and was responsible for himself.