If you have cut off contact with your parents, how do you feel about your dcs?

[Elf]

DH is contemplating this and I think whatever he feels the need to do is fine except for this one niggle in my mind about our dcs.

His parents can be nasty to him, it was more emotional abuse/neglect than out and out violence etc.

The dcs really like their grandparents and I would really like to hear from people who have done this and how it affected their children if their children liked the grandparents. The dcs are only young so can't tell when the grandparents are being awful to DH.

The thing is if the grandparents were obviously dangerous it wouldn't be an issue but it feels more subtle in this case.

Thank you for your help.

we did have this for a while with my h parents they are divorced and first it was with his dad as he was never close to him and had not seen him for years - there was no real relationship there anyway. I did find it hard as i do believe the children had a right to know where they came from. There was little talk about him in the house and it was as much his dads fault as he never really made an effort to stay in touch. I would just explain that daddy and grandad did not get on but if they wanted to ever ask any questions i would answer them - and i expected them to see him again once they were old enough. Unfortunately he has now died and so he never got to know the children (but it has made it easier iyswim).

We are now having a similar problem with his mum in that we do not get on with her new partner and i do not want him near me or the children. His mum will not see us without her partner and so it looks as if the children will miss out on their grandmother too.

I try not to say anything nasty and will always leave the door open.

It may be harder for you as it sounds as if it is you making that choice and they will want to be in their lives.

I would suggest meeting with them without your h and not make too big a deal of it with the children (as they get older they will make their own mind anyway). This is not taking sides but being sensible and as long as you keep the door ajar maybe things will be better later. Are you going to continue with birthday cards ect?

I have minimal contact with my widowed father and his wife, but I keep a link with him for my boys.

The main and most important reason is because he is very good with his grandchildren. He loves them and when they spend time with them they enjoy it.

Another reason I allow the contact to continue is that I don't want my boys, in years to come, to turn round and say why did you stop us seeing Grandad.

And a small reason for me personally is that I have managed to retain a modicum of dignity, and it gives me just a small amout of pleasure to know that my mum would be proud of the way I have handled the situation, compared with his wife.

We have never met DH's father as he left when DH was a boy so we dont even know if he knows he is a GF!

DH's Mum is a VERY difficult woman who we havent seen since Sep 06 at BIL's wedding.

The children rarely ask about her but we do answer questions if they ask any.

My parents can be hard work too and esp my Mum who has little to do with them when we do see her and would rather watch TV than interact with them.

Dad is a little better.

All in all my children have the worst GPs ever and for I am very . But what can I do?

I've recently cut contact with my sister, it's a real shame as she adores my dd and dd adores her, but as I explained to dd, sister is not behaving nicely to mummy and at the moment we come as a package. When she's older dd can make her own decision. Mummy loyalty comes first.

My dad din't come to my wedding. He was supposed to give me away. Makes me sad, for me and ds, from time to time, but not on a daily basis.

DH chose to cut-off contact with his family when DD was 2.5y. TBH it doesn't affect DD at all (possibly helped by an overload of doting rellies on my side, fab god-parents etc.). For an inquisitive child (she's now 7) she shows surprisingly little interest in her dad's family. I think she's maybe asked about them once in 5 years?

Everyone, thank you for sharing your stories with me. It is good to hear about people's experiences in various situations. I will read it all again and mull things over. It is not a time for finding a quick decision of course. I really appreciate you telling me your personal stuff. xxx

I can't do links but there is a very long thread which discusses this subject at length "My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry" and the follow up thread "But we took you to stately homes - a thread for adult children of abusive families"

I think the upshot is that most of us who have cut contact with our parents feel that gps are not that important and that the welfare of our dc's is wholly reliant on the welbeing of their parents (ie us) and so I would tell your DH not to worry about it. I think the nuclear family is all that matters personally, especially if the gps are abusive and potentially harmful to your dc.

Emotional abuse is considered by many professionals as the worse form of abuse because of its insidious nature and apparent lack of symptoms.

Your DH is very brave as it is not an easy process but for many of us on the other threads has brought true liberation and the slow rebuilding of our damaged self-esteem.

My husband and I have been going through something similar so I'll watch this thread with interest...On my side, I've cut off my dad (have recently confronted family about childhood abuse) and initially my mum refused to see her GC out of loyalty to him (she doesn't believe me about the abuse). After 5 months of no contact she's been in touch to ask to see her and we've agreed on a morning or afternoon a week but no contact with her GD. I feel this is the right decision for my daughter (she and I had a very close relationship with my mum before the confrontation) but is stressful for me to have to see my mum every week given her stance on the issue with my dad (i told her about the his behaviour as a teen but she didn't believe me then either so it's come as no surprise but still very disappointing and stressful- esp as I'm 7 months pregnant).
With DH, by coincidence issues with his parents (cold, emotionally abusive mother and alcoholic/physically abusive father) have come to a head over their behaviour towards our daughter (general disinterest) and he's contemplating cutting them off.
If anyone has any advise on how to handle parents seeing your children whilst not having a relationship with them yourself, I'd be grateful... (don't mean to hijack your thread- sorry!)

I grew up with a very limited contact with grandparents due to my parents moving out of the area.

I remember seeing my grandmothers about 2 times a year, my dad's father died before I was old enough to remember him and I think I only saw my other grandfather in very limited ocassions perhaps every 3 or 4 years.

TBH you can not miss what you don't know, and not having regular contact with them was the only thing I knew. I never felt deprived for not being more in contact, they were just like some nice dotting aquaintances. I feel nearer to some of my parents' friends than to them and TBH it has never caused me any problem.

Later on, when I was nearly 20, I got very near to one of my grandmothers. But at the time I saw her more like a good friend than a grandmother, and I think she enjoyed that too. But I don't think she missed me terribly before then (having more than 20 grandchildren perhaps she was a bit releived!

Biologically, granparents are not designed to be essential to the child's well-being in the way that a mother is, or a father. If the mother dies or is absent, it is catastrophic for the child's development, but if the grandmother is absent, it is not. Because of their age, many granparents have died before the child is even born.
They say that no-one ever got f*cked up by not having their grandmother around.

The truth is that granparents are great as an add on if they facilitate child-rearing and are emotionally supportive to the parents, but on the whole, they are not essential to children particularly if they are emotionally abusive, undermining, snidey and do not respect the child's parents. If they are any way damaging to the parent's mental health, then they immediately become useless.

Regarding the argument that the child needs extended family: this can be provided by alternate figures- friends of the parents, godparents, uncles, aunts.

Its really sad if a parent feels their lives would be better without the grandparents in it, and nobody wants that to happen, but sometimes it is for the best.

I just wanted to say your husband is really brave to be considering this frightening step.
Just think, what kind of pain does it take for a son to decide that his children will be better off without seeing his parents?! THats a lot of pain to deal with.

Most importantly, tell him to forget what outsiders think- people will always judge, especially when they don't understand. As long as your DH can look in the mirror each day and know in his heart that this was the best thing for him and his family, then that is all that matters.

I had little contact with my grandparents and although I´ve often wondered what it would be like to have the kind of relationship some of my friends had with theirs´, I never felt sad or unfortunate for not having had it. I remember as a child/ young teen being completely unable to empathise with the feeling of losing a grandparent.

My life was my nuclear family and I don´t think any of us ever felt any need for extended family.

Our lack of contact wasn´t through abuse/neglect etc. btw, it was mostly physical distance and an apparently ambivalent relationship between my parents and their parents.

I meant to clarify: by little contact I mean I never met my paternal grandad, met my maternal grandad once when I was about 4 (and remember him being very strict and mean). I met my paternal grandmother for a 2 week holiday when I was 5, we lived near her for 18mths when I was 8/9 and then I saw her twice more for 2 seperate 2 week holidays when I was 16 and 18. And that was it. She died a couple of years ago.

I´ve had the most contact (relatively) with my maternal grandmother but it is not a very close relationship, more dutiful than loving and still very sporadic and years between seeing her.

Your kids will be fine, what is most important is that their parents are happy and healthy

Mrs Macaroon, just wanted to say how sorry I am that your parents have not been able to face up to their abuse (in your mother's case passive abuse) of you. It is incredibly hurtful. Lots of us on the other threads mentioned are in a similar position if you feel like having a look.

May also add that my maternal grandmother is such a horrible person that I am convinced that regular contact with her would have been horrible for all involved. The younger sister of my mother has lived near to her all her life and the damage she has done is pretty noticeable: Plenty of arguments with her husband, grandmother setting up her grandchildren against her parents, lack of rules in the house as granny loved to change them, etc. One of my cousins managed to get rid of her influence when she was in her late teens, the other one is a bit of a an immature highly dependant individual that runs to granny's house everytime he gets into trouble, even when he is in his 30s

Pages- Thanks for that..this is quite fresh as it's only been the last 5 months that this has come to a head. I've had some counselling and have some brilliant friends and a very understanding husband, thank god but it has been a f**king nightmare. I've had a look at the threads you mention and so many posts could have been written by me. Scary stuff. I'm also trying to deal with the affect of this on my relationships with my siblings as they have been profoundly affected and my brother and I are no longer talking...I did go into it with my eyes open to the consequences though but it's still very hurtful when people let you down.

Elf-how is your DH doing?