Healthy new relationship - but so used to love bombing!

[glitterysunone]

I’ve been with a lovely lovely man for about 2 months now. He is extremely lovely, very open about his feelings, and shows he’s willing to see me and makes so much effort. Things are going really well.

I just wondered if anyone had any advice because I was absolutely love-bombed in my last relationship which was like a whirlwind. In our first two months he whisked me away on holiday, told me he loved me after like 2 weeks, and I felt like I knew everything about him. I was extremely close with his family already and basically met them instantly.

In hindsight I can absolutely recognise that it was all fake, and I know that real relationships develop into love slowly and at a good pace.

I think that’s what happening here with my new boyfriend, which makes me so happy but I keep worrying about it, as if things should be different. Things are developing slowly but really well. I’m slowly being introduced to friends, we’re still getting to know each other, I see him a couple of times a week for dates. But I think my last relationship has skewed my expectations. Shouldn’t we be going on holidays? Shouldn’t I feel like I’ve known this person all my life and know him like the back of my hand. Plus I’ve met his mum once now - shouldn’t we be closer?? Shouldn’t it not feel awkward by now?

I know these are all really normal things and how a relationship should go, but I wondered if anyone has any advice of altering expectations after being used to love bombing - or even just some words of wisdom.

thank you!!

Yes I had this!

I was married for 20 years and he love bombed me at the beginning, and then alternated love bombing / abuse after a few years.

I got out (thank god) and now happily married to a calm and kind man, but even now after 5 years together, some days I feel slightly like I’m operating in a vacuum, like it’s all smooth and not exciting/horrible enough. Although the sensible part of me knows I’m wrong of course and I’m very happy and lucky.

Anyway, from my experience, it is normal to feel like this- don’t hold it against the new guy- stick with it while keeping your eyes open.

Good luck.

Oh I’m sorry you went through that too. It’s so hard to snap out of isn’t it! Thank you xx

"But I think my last relationship has skewed my expectations"

Yes it indeed has completely skewed those. You indeed were love bombed and or otherwise emotionally manipulated in your last relationship by a master manipulator. Narcissists often love bomb their chosen target as a matter of routine.

The main goal of love-bombers is to create envy for others and garner attention and affection for themselves. When giving gifts, compliments, and unwarranted validation of the relationship, they expect to be recognized, rewarded, or worshipped. Eventually, the gifts, attention, and compliments will be replaced with gaslighting and criticism so you were wise to escape this man when you did. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse, were further trampled on and over by this individual.

" Shouldn’t we be going on holidays?"
No, not this early on.

"Shouldn’t I feel like I’ve known this person all my life and know him like the back of my hand".
No

"Plus I’ve met his mum once now - shouldn’t we be closer??"
No

Shouldn’t it not feel awkward by now?
No

Slow and steady is good. Run down a checklist of what a healthy relationship looks like. A thriving established relationship should include listening, empathy, regard, compassion, and respect. These are important values and things a narcissist cannot authentically do.

You need to reframe the situation - Being love bombed feels great in the moment, magical even. You feel like it is happening because you have fallen into your happy ever after. But it's not that. Whatever love bombing is, it is not that. What you have been given in your current relationship is the gift of space and time to work out what it is and whether you want it. It is a massive gift. Try to appreciate it for what it is.

Thank you both so much for the insight. I absolutely was love bombed before and didn’t even realise I was being gaslighted towards the end until others pointed it out. So glad I ended things when I did. So far there’s nothing but respect and care in my new relationship, it almost feels boring compared but I know that’s probably a really safe and happy place to be in! It’s just changing my mindset which is so hard to do xx

I was the same, completely get it. Someone said to me, and it really stuck, don't confuse love with adrenaline. It's so true, just because it's not a roller coaster doesn't mean it's not amazing. For about the first 6-9 months of my relationship with my partner I felt like I 'wasn't sure' about him, actually it was just love growing slowly and now I look back at my love bombing ex and think thank fuck I got away and get to live this beautiful, calm, consistent life

It’s early days. It sounds like things are going really well. Maybe plan a mini break together if you want to go away, it doesn’t have to be the man surprising you. Enjoy and just take it day by day

Thanks all :)

You don't have to change your mindset. It's healthy to be wary. Respect your feelings; your wariness is there because you've learned a lesson. You've learned not to get in too deep too fast. You've learned that it's necessary to protect your feelings. All of that is healthy.

With regard to your thoughts on what 'should' be happening, which authority do you think defines what we 'should' and shouldn't be doing? If a couple didn't go on holiday for 10 years, but were happy together, would you think they 'should' be doing things differently? If a couple went on holiday after 3 dates, and were happy, would you think they 'should' be doing things differently? Where do you think the guidelines come from? Why do they matter? Do you want a relationship where you do, as a couple, everything you 'should'?