Is there such thing as a free counselling service?

[SparklyMistleToes]

My husband is a dick to me a lot of the time. He is passive aggressive, often muttering insults or out downs to me. If I do manage to speak up to make a point about something and he's not happy with it he will continue arguing in an aggressive manor saying "you're right, you're right that ABC results in XYZ, and JKL and OMNOP!!" And basically finds a way to twist whatever I say or feel so it's flipped around on me making me look bad and selfish. He has the incredible talent of always making himself out to be the victim. He also always picks arguments and puts me down in front of the children getting them involved and they witness it and I'm worried my son will pick up on it and find it an acceptable way to talk and treat people.

The other day my husband got angry with me in the car because he was trying to turn into a land of traffic and was hesitating and dithering about so I said for him to just signal and start to creep forward and someone will eventually let him in. He got angry with me and out me down and my son pipped up from the back and sided with me. Husband got angry at us both and turns into a big fucking baby saying that he's "never right and he's not going to drive again etc and how he tried so hard but no one in the family likes him" Just poor me type shit to make us feel bad and victimising himself like a Fucking baby.

If I do challenge him on anything - for example I said the other day that he was being passive aggressive, he flipped out at me and yelled "oh stop using this terminology! Where are you getting it from, you and all your books you read!" (I am reading a few about my ADHD) I used another term once and he accused me of speaking to someone about my problems who 'gave me the word'

I also don't like the way my husband speaks to our son. I'm sure my son also has ADHD and sometimes does things for attention or just a dopamine hit. The other day my son whacked his sleeve against his younger sisters back for no reason and she started crying. I get angry with him but try and talk it though with him while my husband yells and outs him down making him feel shame and guilt and when my son says sorry my husband throws it back in his face shouting "no you're not. If you're sorry you wouldn't have done it. You're not sorry. Your sorry's don't mean anything anymore because you keep doing it!" He just constantly yells and repeats that any time my son tries to apologise and often makes my son cry.

Leaving is not an option for me. So please don't suggest that. I am just wondering if there is a service that offers free counselling for myself that I could speak to who could help me understand and come up with some succinct points and tell me whether some of my concerns are valid, and then come up with a plan of action as to how to involve my husband in the counselling in the future. I do not have any money or savings. Basically because I don't make much but also because of my adhd which results in me vein piss poor at budgeting and saving. I only get £300 each month from my paycheque to use for my adhd medication, personal things like toiletries, any clothes needed, food when I'm out with friends etc, so it doesn't stretch far. I can't really afford to pay £100+ for a councillor 😔

I would go myself first to explain both sides of the situation. Like I said, my adhd doesn't help me in this home situation and I understand I perceive things differently so I don't know if the majority of the problems stem from me.

I don't actually know if I'd have the balls to arrange a session for the both of us either. 😕

It still isn't advisable OP.

If you have access to an EAP, it will depend on the terms of the contract - we get 6 sessions (unlike the 8 mentioned above,) but it can be extended in certain circumstances (not sure what.) All they ask is the name of your company (so they know who to charge, but the company just gets billed for 6 sessions of 1:1 counselling, not 6 sessions for Bearhug.) Obviously they also need your name and contact details to arrange sessions with, but it doesn't go back to the company.

But leaving him doesn't mean you have to be with someone else. It means you don't have to put up with his shit any more.

FWIW OP the situation I’ve been seeing a counsellor about is somewhat similar to yours. The counselling isn’t going to fix things, but I’ve found it helpful to talk through options, get things straight in my head etc. These situations are never straightforward unfortunately but I have found counselling useful.

I’m neurodivergent too and honestly, it’s not fair for you to be blamed for problems in the household. Your partner should be on your side, shouldn’t be making you feel like a burden.

I think it sounds like you blame yourself because you have ADHD and that means you’re putting up with abuse that you wouldn’t if you felt confident to live alone and manage your finances and life.

I expect you’d find you’d work out your own system and strategies once you didn’t have to beg for permission or second guess yourself or act grateful for normal day to day things a better man wouldn’t throw in your face.

So yes, I hope you can get some counselling.

But not to enable you to get your husband to engage, but to disentangle yourself from this relationship.

When you say I only get £300 each month from my paycheque do you mean this is the amount your husband and you have agreed you both get for discretionary spending? And if so (assuming it’s equal - if it’s not that’s another can of worms) then why are your meds not considered as a necessary family medical expense?

Yes we have agreed that I basically get a £300 allowance. The rest goes to household bills and the mortgage. He pays for everything else. I don't know what happens to the rest of our money other than the fact that he says he never spends anything on himself (although I do know that he's invested a few grand in crypto currency (that's slowed down since the market has) as well as niche collectable he collects as a hobby. He's been buying a lot more lately because he says it's the only thing that makes him happy 🙄). So his whole line of never spending anything on himself is BS.

He doesn't really believe in ADHD and doesn't agree with the medication so I've chosen not to discuss it with him. All he knows is that I was diagnosed and that I'm on medication. I used my savings to pay for the private diagnosis entirely myself and I pay for my medication.

If he sees me treating myself to something like a nice meal out with friends he gets annoyed and says he pays for everything and that I should be contributing more because I put too much pressure on him to pay for the children's private school and extra curricular lessons and everything else.

Your ADHD is not to blame OP.

You’re still not giving any convincing reasons why you have to stay with this nasty, abusive, shouty man who yells at your child.
Has he worn you down so badly that you truly believe you wouldn’t be able to live independently? You hold down a job and look after your kids, you’re not helpless. You’re blaming everything on your adhd. It’s perfectly possible to run a household when you have adhd. It might be less organised, tidy etc but you’d be ok, and you’d most likely find strength from being free from his bullying. The (miserable) way of living that he’s boxed you into isn’t the only way or the best way.
Of course you can pursue counselling but as PPs have said don’t try getting him to go with you. He doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong and nothing anyone says will change his behaviour.

" I would go myself first to explain both sides of the situation. Like I said, my adhd doesn't help me in this home situation and I understand I perceive things differently so I don't know if the majority of the problems stem from me."

I doubt that a couple therapist will want to hear anything you have to say up front as 'warning' or scene setting.

My experience of this was that the therapist made a beeline for siding with him and the abusive I received off the back of him being "right" was horrific.
Was awfully unprofessional of her. I intend to report her but never got around to it.

His controlling and financial abuse isn't in anyway related to your ADHD. You need to separate the two things entirely.

Leaving is always an option. Always.

I would go myself first to explain both sides of the situation. Like I said, my adhd doesn't help me in this home situation and I understand I perceive things differently so I don't know if the majority of the problems stem from me.

First, no joint counselling. No counsellor worth their salt would hear what you have said here and agree to work with you both, OR refer you to someone who would.

Second, individual counselling may be helpful to get a different perspective on things. For that you'd want someone who understands ADHD.

Third, counselling doesn't have to be every week to be effective. It can be every two weeks. Some people go monthly. So private may not be totally off the cards, just be up front in what you're looking for and why.

Fourth and most important: you're allowed to have ADHD and think about things/look at things differently to him. He doesn't hold the monopoly on "right thinking". You quite easily could look at things better than him because of your ADHD, while it also causes probs in other areas. The ADHD is a red herring here.

Fifth, his behaviour is a choice. It's unacceptable. No way he talks to his boss/clients/colleagues the way he does you and your DS. That's not because you're making him be like that, it's because he's chosen to be an abusive arsehole to you because he's decided you're lesser than him and he can get away with it. I bet he also doesn't treat you both like this when his friends are around?

Sixth, you cannot change him. You aren't the cause if this and you can't be the one who solves it. It's entirely up to him. Do not enter any therapy thinking that underneath it he loves you so if you could just communicate how much you're hurting then he'll change. He knows you're hurting, he doesn't care (and that's the best thing to say there). Accept this is who he is and you're now free to focus on how you can make changes in your life to make yourself happier, even if that's working towards a long term goal of being single. Which quite honestly sounds bliss in comparison to what you're putting up with.

"I would go myself first to explain both sides of the situation. Like I said, my adhd doesn't help me in this home situation and I understand I perceive things differently so I don't know if the majority of the problems stem from me"

Abuse is NOT a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of. Abuse is about power and control and your H wants absolute over both of you.

So it is not you, its him. He is using your ADHD against you to further abuse you and in turn his child. This is no environment for either of you to remain in. All staying with him will do is further drag you and your child down with him into his pit.

And if he is giving you an allowance whilst he spends whatever money he likes on stuff for his own self, you are also being financially abused too.

No to joint counselling and it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. No decent counsellor will ever counsel you two in the same room given the abuse he metes out to you.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Is this what you really wish for your son?. For him to potentially become an abuser like his own father?. You're also showing him that this treatment of you is somehow acceptable to you. It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Your H does not treat people in the outside world like he does you. Like many abusive men he is quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is for you and in turn your child his abuse is aimed squarely at.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not.

You run the very real risk of your son leaving home far sooner than later if you and your abuser remain together. He won't want to come back to visit either of you very often, if at all. Do not therefore continue to put this man before your child; in his eyes you are doing this.

Mainly because I have ADHD and I know living with me can be frustrating. I don't have any kind of routine and keeping to one and keeping things tidy, on time, schedules and appointments on track etc is near impossible for me. My husband does a lot more than most in order to compensate for this. I get that. He of course constantly reminds me of this as well, telling me and the kids he does more than any other dad / husband in the world and that we'll never find anyone like him and whinges that no one cares about all that he does or appreciates him 🙄

He's done a good job on you hasn't he?

How long have you been together - how did you manage before he came on the scene?

If he was that good he wouldn't be constantly reminding you of all he does for you, neither would he be so dismissive of your condition and nor would he be controlling you emotionally and financially.

Are you sure your husband isn't contributing to your lack of being able to get organised etc by his very behaviour - ie his constant seeking to undermine you? I'm not doubting for one minute you have ADHD, but I'm wondering if his behaviour is also a contributing factor to the issues you have described?

You're asking for advice on how to keep your kids suffering at the hands of an abuser? This is their adult mental health you're taking risks with. Why would you do that?