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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SO confused

18 replies

Felic23 · 27/11/2022 13:38

Hi all, i'm going out of my mind and would appreciate any advice.

So the back story goes.. was with my ex for 6 years. We mutually broke things off as wasn't working. He is full time Dad to his Son who has behaviour issues. I am single parent also to my own Son ( boys same ages 13 yrs)
Problems were that we couldn't move our relationship and move in together as i have a council flat and if we moved in together and it didn't work out with the dynamics of the boys etc I would be left with no security with my Son. He earns great money and has support from his family that I don't have.
We actually split up over a year ago but have continued being emotional support for each other and sleeping together at times. We had the BEST relationship, made each other laugh, had amazing chemistry etc.
I was fine with casual arrangement and often was too busy to see him and I wasnt bothered really just seeing him every now and again. He would suggest meeting up more than I would.We talked about getting back together in a couple of years once boys were older etc.
NOW he has found someone he really likes and started seeing them. I am beyond devestated. Cant eat, sleep think about anything else. Its been over a week since I found out and I'm a mess. I regret letting him slip away, feel like its all my fault. Ive begged him to try again. He has said no, for now?! He said he feels like he needs to give this new relationship a go. She has no kids so a lot easier. I feel like ive let the love of my life go and dont know why I never thought he might meet some one else. A month ago I wouldnt see him for 1 maybe 2 weeks and i didnt care, now i would do anything to see him. Can anyone make any sense of this please x

OP posts:
redtshirt50 · 27/11/2022 13:44

He is not the love of your life if you were happy to keep things casual

Dery · 27/11/2022 13:53

This is hard, OP, but I agree with the PP - you wouldn’t have been happy with casual if he had been the love of your life. But you clearly had something good that worked very well for you (but apparently less so for him) and it’s natural that you should be sad and upset to discover it’s gone. It will take a while to get used to this and likely will sting for a while. Sorry you’re going through this, OP.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 27/11/2022 13:58

I think you're just having a panic. How you felt before all this, is the way that you really feel. Give yourself time to calm down.

cutiemcsweetie · 27/11/2022 14:19

This is so hard. Im sorry you're going through this, it must feel like horrible.

There isnt much you can do unfortunately (worst thing people can say when you feel so shit) but let it ride out. It might last a month, it might last a year or forever. You clearly have some sort of bond with him and if somethings meant to rekindle it will.

Remember to stay dignified. I always hear a line from a book.. love can easily die from indigestion but never starvation. Let him do his thing, and give him the space to do so.. it will either confirm he wants you or her and you cant do much but act accordingly.

cutiemcsweetie · 27/11/2022 14:21

We also usually tend to want what we cant have which heightens the fear or losing someone. Dont ever beg someone for love or a relationship. Let them be there because they want to be, not because you asked ♥️

Original poster
Felic23 · 27/11/2022 15:30

Thanks for reply, i just felt like we were keeping it casual as it worked for us while we were busy with work and single parent life. I feel so stupid, I actually was dating other ppl trying to get over him but no one compared to him. He went on 3 dates and found someone who lives right near him with no kids. I am racked with regret :( he was my best friend also so its a huge loss

OP posts:
DosCervezas · 27/11/2022 17:52

That feeling you think is love could be , and sounds more like, a finely tuned jealousy. It's a horrible feeling and very difficult to shake off, but hopefully you will.

Original poster
Felic23 · 27/11/2022 18:51

Thanks I just wish it hadnt taken this for me to realise how i feel x

OP posts:
Minimalme · 27/11/2022 19:38

If he was right for you, you would never have taken the gamble of splitting up.

You would have craved him when you weren't together and you would have found a way to build a life together.

He didn't offer you any security when you said you couldn't risk giving up your home. He could have offered marriage which would mean you both could split assets if the relationship broke down.

It sounds fairly tepid on both sides.

I think what you are feeling is fear not love.

Just plan some good stuff for the future and try to move on with the confidence of knowing he wasn't the one.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 27/11/2022 20:12

It's just panic. You weren't bothered before and if he was still single now, you still wouldn't be bothered.

Really unfair to lay this on him as soon as he finds someone he likes!! Let him be. Let him enjoy this new woman. If you'd found someone before he did, you would have moved on without giving your ex much thought at all.

We always want what we can't have.

pictish · 27/11/2022 20:17

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 27/11/2022 20:12

It's just panic. You weren't bothered before and if he was still single now, you still wouldn't be bothered.

Really unfair to lay this on him as soon as he finds someone he likes!! Let him be. Let him enjoy this new woman. If you'd found someone before he did, you would have moved on without giving your ex much thought at all.

We always want what we can't have.

Think I agree with this. Joni Mitchell sang it best…”don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone”.

You’d have done the same. 🤷‍♀️

zonky · 27/11/2022 20:27

"He went on 3 dates and found someone who lives right near him with no kids. I am racked with regret :( he was my best friend also so its a huge loss"

It sounds like " I found the love of my life within a convenient 5 miles radius " including a childless woman, a convenience relationship.

It'll be interesting to see how long it lasts.

And no, do not give up your and your son's s housing security for a bloke.

Original poster
Felic23 · 27/11/2022 21:29

Thanks for reply. He would have put a house in both our names but the worry was if it didn't work out in first few years there wouldn't be enough in it to split and me to be financially ok. My main worry was taking on his Son and the impact his Sons issues would have had on my Son. I just feel like maybe they were risks I should have taken. I shut down from him and just concentrated on my very busy life but always thought we would reunite.

OP posts:
xfan · 28/11/2022 10:09

Felic23 · 27/11/2022 21:29

Thanks for reply. He would have put a house in both our names but the worry was if it didn't work out in first few years there wouldn't be enough in it to split and me to be financially ok. My main worry was taking on his Son and the impact his Sons issues would have had on my Son. I just feel like maybe they were risks I should have taken. I shut down from him and just concentrated on my very busy life but always thought we would reunite.

Why would you take a risk, and potentially compromise on your son's well-being?

Original poster
Felic23 · 28/11/2022 10:23

That was why I didn't to protect my Son but love is hard to find and I don't want to be alone forever

OP posts:
xfan · 28/11/2022 10:38

Felic23 · 28/11/2022 10:23

That was why I didn't to protect my Son but love is hard to find and I don't want to be alone forever

Well you might end up having to make all sorts of further compromises if you want to put your child first and not get what you think you deserve.

Original poster
Felic23 · 28/11/2022 10:57

Sorry I don't understand your message

OP posts:
Original poster
Felic23 · 28/11/2022 18:47

Thanks for your reply. I get what your saying and it looks exactly like that. I can only go on how I feel and I know its wrong to feel this way now when I was prepared to let him go. I think I just thought it would be easier for both of us to find someone who could fit into each others life's better than we could. But now I realise I dont care about that because no one will be him. Too little to late I know :(

OP posts:
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