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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating someone who’s just left a marriage?

20 replies

DinosWillGetYou · 27/11/2022 10:40

I’ve just met and been on two dates with someone who only left their spouse about two months ago, but already I can feel myself getting feelings for them and I can’t see the woods for the trees. Is this a terrible idea and should I walk away right now? Please, I need some wise outside perspective on this!

Additional details so as not to drip feed are (according to them) they have had problems for many years, slept separately for years.
They definitely have their own place and live alone, they’re very open and upfront about everything, and would completely understand if I did walk away. It’s OLD so I’m keeping it all quite casual atm and dating multiple people. They’re the one I can’t stop thinking about though unfortunately.

If I read this thread I’d be screaming don’t be a fool. Different now I’m in this situation of course.

OP posts:

ReneBumsWombats · 27/11/2022 10:44

What exactly is it about this person that sets them apart from the others?

Mirandaesque · 27/11/2022 10:49

Hi
I would say so long as youre on the same page and you're both honest I don't see the problem.
I've posted previously about my situation and if do end of separating with my husband i think I would be wanting to date and explore quite soon after - when you feel your relationship has been crumbling for a good while , in your mind youve already kinda cone to terms with it and might be ready to move on 🤷🏼‍♀️
Hope that makes sense and I've understood your post correctly

arethereanyleftatall · 27/11/2022 10:52

Could be either
With hindsight, I fell out of love with my exhusband about 8 years before we divorced. Just shoved feelings down and plodded on. Within two weeks of break up, it dawned on me and I skipped down the street.
And conversely, I've had a few relationships since with men who aren't over their exes, even after years, because it was them that was dumped, and it just sets you up for heartbreak.
So, my point is, the time itself is irrelevant.

Original poster

DinosWillGetYou · 27/11/2022 10:59

Thanks for those perspectives. Bearing in mind.
@ReneBumsWombats it’s their personality really, you know when you meet someone and they just blow you away. Although, only two dates in. Time will tell I guess

OP posts:

Ragingoverlife · 27/11/2022 11:03

I'm seeing no red flags from your info.

What I would say is just see what time will tell.

Be aware of any issues with kids, him slating the ex to high heaven putting her down etc. They can say things like she's a good mum and we were good then we fell out of love and we've been living this life for a while. That's fine what isn't is.

My ex is this. She made me do this. And list all these awful.stories.

My ex the first thing he told me was his ex had slept with his step dad. Then proceeded to use this as the pivotal place for every drunk excuse etc the reason he didn't see his child, the reason he didn't speak to his family. I should have ran then lol 😆

CryingInTents · 27/11/2022 11:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster

DinosWillGetYou · 27/11/2022 11:35

Ragingoverlife · 27/11/2022 11:03

I'm seeing no red flags from your info.

What I would say is just see what time will tell.

My ex is this. She made me do this. And list all these awful.stories.

That’s great advice, thank you

OP posts:

gogohmm · 27/11/2022 11:41

I started old 3 months after I split from exh, we had been on the rocks for years. I met dp 7 months i after the split, he was at a similar point

likethislikethat · 11/02/2023 23:37

How many of us are in perfectly happy relationships from our point of view and then, bang, our partner just wants to leave ?

1 in 100 perhaps ?

The rest of us know, after the event, that it was all going to shit for months or years or we were just hanging on in there for the kids and we didn't have the guts or motivation or anyone else to make us break up the unhappy family.

Unless you are the 1 in 100, you have already been single a long time.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/02/2023 23:42

Is this a terrible idea and should I walk away right now?

no one and I mean NOONE could form a new relationship so soon after a marriage split

whether you left them , they left you , it imploded - whatever
it’s a total head fuck for everyone

be realistic with yourself on this op
walk away fast before you get hurt

iamenough2023 · 12/02/2023 00:12

I know that everyone is different and will point out that this is just me but I have been separated almost two years and I was the one who initiated it, but I can tell you that I am nowhere near ready for a new relationship. My separation was not even as traumatic as some but two months later I was still so emotional and so sensitive. I am not saying run away but I would definitely be very, very cautious.

Fantina · 12/02/2023 00:18

I left my ExDH and he immediately started OLD and within weeks had met someone ‘very special’. Judging from the messages he sends me which range from pure vitriol to begging me to return, he is not over me despite what he must tell her. I think people should learn to be happy on their own before entering new relationships but that is just me.

HeddaGarbled · 12/02/2023 00:24

The red flag is that he’s looking for a new relationship (shag?) so soon. If it were you in his situation, wouldn’t you take a bit of time to get over the old relationship before even thinking about a new relationship (shag?). Two months and he’s already got an online dating profile and been on two dates with you. Bit of a rush, no?

Moobae · 12/02/2023 05:00

Very bad idea

Wallywobbles · 12/02/2023 05:59

My experience is dating someone going through a nasty divorce is really not the best. My DH had a very long drawn out divorce. It was bloody painful.

My divorce took 5 weeks but my ex & I ended back in court 6 times. And then he lost parental responsibility.

Not sure what the moral is but just be aware.

SnackyOnassis · 12/02/2023 06:15

I know every case is individual, but I met my husband when he was about 2 months out of his first marriage and like you, I knew there was something special about him - I'd been OLD for years at that point and felt I knew he had 'the thing'.
We took it slowly - I made a point of not getting involved in anything to do with his divorce or his setting up on his own, I didn't want to be wife-substitute and he needed to know he could live alone.
It was long distance to begin with - I lived in London and he lived 100+ miles away so that meant we still had a decent amount of space to work things out for ourselves. I moved to the same town as him after just over a year, and we moved in together 8/9 months after that.
It's been 6+ years since and we're now married with children.
For me it was worth taking a gamble but I'd recommended taking your time, staying out of anything to do with his divorce or talking about his ex - keep yourself as separate as you can while staying supportive.

For yourself - don't compare, and don't be ashamed, their relationship had ended before you met so you're not the other woman and shouldn't be hidden away. Be sensitive - you don't need to plaster your presence all over his social media, but make sure you aren't hiding yourself away. Meet his friends by all means, but don't post it on the internet, keep your relationship for yourself.

I hope you have as much happiness as I have found in what I lovingly and jokingly refer to as the second hand market!!

Creativecreator · 12/02/2023 06:17

I met my DH when he was only a couple of months out of his marriage. We were introduced by a mutual friend though, who knew the circumstances. We had a couple of dinner dates, liked each other, and took it very very slowly. I had teenagers and his Dd was at Uni locally. We were very clear that kids came first, and did occasionally cancel dates due to that.
But we were both reliable and honest. It was definitely a slow burner - sex after 3 months or so, first night together nearly a year in. Moved in together at 4 years and married a year after that - 6 years ago. It can work but it takes time and decent people.

Creativecreator · 12/02/2023 06:19

Cross posted with @SnackyOnassis but all that too!

Zanatdy · 12/02/2023 08:28

I’d definitely be put off. Going through a divorce is rarely a nice process. It’s not been long at all, not sure why he signed up for OLD so soon. Though I guess some people can’t be alone. My bf was split 5yrs and no relationships since and I’ve been longer, though that’s proper the other end of the scale. I’d want it to be at least a year personally

Uniquecircs · 12/02/2023 08:50

its not always straightforward. When I met my now husband, on paper I was waving all the red flags. I had been separated from my exH for six weeks, but was still
living with him and had a preschooler.

The truth was that I had been unhappy for years, so breaking up was a relief and I did not need to take time to recover from the break up before I started dating again. I think it worked because I wasn’t looking for a relationship and treated it as fun, he was the same as he did not want a relationship with a single mother. However that was over 20 years ago so my rebound relationship is doing ok. It’s still fun and DH made a great step father.

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