DM not telling me about her relationship.

[Dingdongmerrily8]

My mum has been seeing someone for a few years now (not entirely sure how long), I have heard about him from my sister (who assumes I know about him) but my mum has never mentioned him. I dropped off some things at her house last week (unannounced) and he was there and she is clearly unhappy at me just turning up.

I see her a lot but she normally visits me. She doesn't want me to know about it. I have no idea why this would be, I genuinely don't care who she sees. This doesn't bode well for our relationship, does it? I feel quite upset about it all.

I'm 30s and she is late 50s.

Perhaps she’s ashamed of him and thinks you will judge her? I’m your mum’s age and That’s how I feel about my relationship; I have three judgey DDs. I’m just happier keeping him in the background.

I wonder whether he's married?

She could still keep her relationship separate from her family and mention it occasionally though? She NEVER mentions him. I ask her what she's been up to and she never mentions anything to do with him. And I'm not really judgey tbh.
Maybe she thinks I am. I see her 2-3 times a week minimum.

I never consider that he might be married, that would make sense tbh. I hope he isn't.

Dodgy dude?. Do you know his name to Google?

Thanks for the replies everyone. I only know his first name and a couple of little things about him. I don't know what to think about any of it tbh. It's all very strange and it has created a distance in the relationship. I won't be talking to her about my relationship anymore, that's for sure! Thanks again.

Have you said to her - "why are you so secretive about your boyfriend, I don't mind you having one, you know?"

I've said "I've heard you are seeing someone" once years ago - she just said "not really" and changed the subject. I tried to talk about it again this week but she blatantly changed the subject again. She was so annoyed that I accidentally met him. She tried to leave me at the door and I didn't get past the hallway. (He said hi from the living room). I think it is odd if I am honest, and I am supposed to pretend it is all normal - but it doesn't feel normal. I think I probably need a break from her and I am overthinking all this. Thanks

NC fail there

How come your sister knows about him OP? It is a bit unusual given it’s been years. Why don’t you just ask her? Say it’s strange & makes it seem she has something to hide otherwise.

Sorry just read your update. Still think you should ask her why she doesn’t want to ever acknowledge the relationship. You can reassure her that you would be respectful & boundaried about it. It does make you tend to think the worst ie married or something when it may not be.

My guess would be that it's more a friends with benefits thing than a relationship, and she doesn't want to talk about that with you.

Funnily enough I’m in the same situation but with my dad…

I think she's trying to compartmentalise her life. You see her regularly so it doesn't seem like that's an issue.

Maybe just leave her to it. It could be something they've both agreed upon as they feel it's easier all round.

How much does your sister know about it? Can you ask her?

It does sound like either he's married or it's just FWB and she's embarrassed to say to her DD "there's no future in it but he's great in the sack"

I’d just back off a bit in general and if she asks why let her know you’re a bit hurt about her secrecy. He could well be married, that would explain it wouldn’t it?

If your sister knows about him, but you don't, it's something to do with how your Mum thinks YOU will react to him

Perhaps she thinks you're judgey even though you're not?

Sorry - I missed that this is an old thread. Apologies 🙄

Do you know for certain if the man your mum is seeing is actually the same one as before?
Although I would say this is a bit of a male trait, it sounds as though your mum wants to compartmentalise her life, this probably has nothing to do with you at all but more that she sees the relationship as not serious.
My bf doesn't talk to his adult children about me because they have made it clear they don't want to know so he doesn't push it, when your mum mentions things that she is doing do you ask "who with?" or questions that indicate you're interested? Just some thoughts.