I need some help - please and thanks :)

GibKev · 2022-11-26T20:02:12+00:00

Hi everyone. I am a 45 year old man, who has never been in a relationship due to very low self esteem. I was used to self harm and was suicidal combined with being very anxious but seem to have that under control and yes I am proud of that. However, I still feel I am so ugly and unlovable. I have never been on a date and feel so ugly. I am 45 and people tell me I am a good guy with a good heart as I always help and have loads of female friends. In summer I bumped into a friend who was just out of a relationship and she needed a shoulder to cry on. I spent 3 months with her and we helped each other through tough times. She also has issues with her family and her ex. I am confused to my feelings for her. I think of her all the time as she is away with work and going to see her next week. We say we love each other and always chat. I am so confused...

Thingsdogetbetter · 27/11/2022 08:10

What are you confused about? You have developed feelings past platonic friendship. Are you wondering if she feels the same? It seems this more intense friendship has developed at a time she is very vulnerable, so I'd be wary she is using you as an emotional crutch. You too are vulnerable.

Therapy for your low self-esteem might be a good idea before you try to get into a relationship.

Hillrunning · 27/11/2022 08:15

Why are you confused about your feelings for her?
Has anything physical happened? In what contexts do you tell each other you love each other?

category12 · 27/11/2022 08:21

I'd be careful about this.

I don't think trying to build a relationship out of shoulder-crying is necessarily a healthy thing. Because it's built out of needing to feel needed and being a rescuer/fixer.

If you've had therapy or are having therapy, it's something to discuss. If you've stopped, perhaps go back.

Original poster

GibKev · 27/11/2022 11:44

Hi Thingsdogetbetter

Thanks for your message. I have never been in love or been close to anyone like this so its all confusing for me.

And yeh, its been intense when we both needed a friend. We dont speak to many people and its just so comfy together.

I do therapy and can get my mind right in certain things, but never my looks.

I guess I will see how my week goes with her and then make a decision on what to do or not to do.

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Original poster

GibKev · 27/11/2022 11:46

Hillrunning · 27/11/2022 08:15

Why are you confused about your feelings for her?
Has anything physical happened? In what contexts do you tell each other you love each other?

Hi Hillrunning

I am not sure if I love her as a friend or a love interest.

We always cuddle and hug and she touches my shoulders etc.

I know her ex hurt her a lot and she only has her dog, so maybe me being safe makes it ok for that human touch.

We tell each other we love each other daily. We have chats and then when its time to go always say "love you" or "love you to infinity" its like a silly competion.

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Original poster

GibKev · 27/11/2022 11:48

category12 · 27/11/2022 08:21

I'd be careful about this.

I don't think trying to build a relationship out of shoulder-crying is necessarily a healthy thing. Because it's built out of needing to feel needed and being a rescuer/fixer.

If you've had therapy or are having therapy, it's something to discuss. If you've stopped, perhaps go back.

Hi Category12.

Yeh, I know and fully understand. We have got so close so quickly due to bad stuff happening in our lives that its tough. I am just so useless at this and know I do try to save everyone as I have been saved in the past and dont want anyone going through bad times.

I do go to therapy and speak a lot about things, but this has been kept to myself and just needed impartial advise.

Thanks x

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Watchkeys · 27/11/2022 11:51

What advice do you need? What's your question? You've essentially said 'I've met someone, I'm confused, please help me.' What it the help you want? Are you trying to make a decision? What arguments do you see each way?

Can you break it down for us a bit, otherwise we can only really give you Boundaries 101: Don't do anything you don't enjoy, and if someone tries to get you to when they know you don't enjoy it, leave them.

Original poster

GibKev · 27/11/2022 12:39

Watchkeys · 27/11/2022 11:51

What advice do you need? What's your question? You've essentially said 'I've met someone, I'm confused, please help me.' What it the help you want? Are you trying to make a decision? What arguments do you see each way?

Can you break it down for us a bit, otherwise we can only really give you Boundaries 101: Don't do anything you don't enjoy, and if someone tries to get you to when they know you don't enjoy it, leave them.

Hi Watchkeys

Basically I like her or I think I do, I am so confused about my feelings.

She says she loves me and always wants to be with me

We have both had rough pasts and got close recently but not physically.

I dont want to spoil our friendship and have no idea about relationships.

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BMW6 · 27/11/2022 17:58

I think you should sit down with her and tell her exactly what you've said here - she may feel equally confused, she may say she has sexual attraction to you, or she may say she only loves you as a friend and your relationship will go no further.

If you are frank and honest, and if she isn't interested in anything beyond friendship and you'd be fine with that without yearning for more, you have nothing to lose.

BMW6 · 27/11/2022 18:00

Oh and if she is open to the idea of being more than friends, start with a gentle kiss. No tongues. She may have more physical experience so let her set the pace perhaps.

Good luck!

Watchkeys · 27/11/2022 18:06

I am not sure if I love her as a friend or a love interest

I think that if you were interested in her as a love interest, you'd know. It's not something you have to fathom out; it's something you feel and have to work out how to deal with. If you're not aware of feeling it, you're not feeling it, basically.

Watchkeys · 27/11/2022 18:07

What makes you think you might want a relationship with her? What feelings do you have, physical or emotional, that you think you'd like to pursue with her?

Original poster

GibKev · 27/11/2022 18:08

Hi BMW6 thank you. She is more experienced in dating and has only one love, her ex who was an idiot and a drug dependent. She says there are only 2 men in her life, me and her granddad. I guess how much crap we have gone through together we have come so dependent on each other that maybe i am mixed up or maybe she is. If you dont ask you dont get. I just dont want to lose her.

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ImissSclub7 · 27/11/2022 18:10

As others have said. A good chat with her about how you are feeling is a good start. If it's all new to you, feelings of apprehension will exist. Even that fear of losing her, especially if you had a rough ride in the past. You can work through this however. Give yourself a break and take things slow. Read books or blogs about relationships if you want, if it helps. Even some self esteem building books. Do you have time for some exercise or a gym membership? You could spend time working on yourself so you feel good about yourself, ensuring diet healthy. Good luck!

Original poster

GibKev · 27/11/2022 18:11

Hi Watchkeys. I have never let myself get near to people and never opened my heart to anyone so this is all new. I just dont know what to be in love with someone is and the difference of loving her as a friend. When we are together I just feel happy and relaxed and even confident. She says the same about me, so not sure.

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GibKev · 27/11/2022 18:14

ImissSclub7 · 27/11/2022 18:10

As others have said. A good chat with her about how you are feeling is a good start. If it's all new to you, feelings of apprehension will exist. Even that fear of losing her, especially if you had a rough ride in the past. You can work through this however. Give yourself a break and take things slow. Read books or blogs about relationships if you want, if it helps. Even some self esteem building books. Do you have time for some exercise or a gym membership? You could spend time working on yourself so you feel good about yourself, ensuring diet healthy. Good luck!

Hi ImissSclub7 (they were great - aint no party like an S Club party).

I tell her that she is my world and cant imagine my life without her and how happy she makes me feel. She says the same. We chat about everything and anything and speak on the phone daily for hours. I do go to the gym and feel ok in my body, but its my face... I know nobody is perfect to anyone but I just feel like a 1 out of 10. I am happy to help everyone but cant seem to get over the bump and help myself.

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ImissSclub7 · 27/11/2022 18:27

@GibKev thanks for the song, that made me chuckle.

You sound normal to be fair. Don't worry about your face. Life is too short. Focus on what you both have together, which sounds lovely. Sometimes we think we are uglier than we are too. She very likely hasn't thought anything bad about the way you look. I have a similar thing going on and I've started saying but I have other things which are good and I focus on that Instead. I'd rather have someone kind than a model, I think many other women would agree. Wishing you all the best!

Watchkeys · 27/11/2022 18:44

Are you sexually attracted to her? All the things you're saying are things that could apply to a friend or a lover. Relationships are all different though; some people have relationships and don't have sex, by prior agreement, so really, it's up to you. If you only saw her once a year, and even then sat down in a cafe just for a chat, and wanted to call each other partners, you could. It feels a bit like you're trying to work out if your feelings fit 'the norm' for a relationship, but there isn't a norm.

What would your ideal relationship be like? How often would you like to see a partner, what sort of things would you do, what would your life together look like? What do you want?

MsDogLady · 27/11/2022 19:01

I do go to therapy and do speak a lot about things, but this has been kept to myself and just needed impartial advise.

Gib, I would discuss your confused feelings with your therapist. Doing so may help you gain more clarity.

You clearly feel bonded emotionally with your friend. Are you also physically attracted to her?

Original poster

GibKev · 27/11/2022 19:02

ImissSclub7 · 27/11/2022 18:27

@GibKev thanks for the song, that made me chuckle.

You sound normal to be fair. Don't worry about your face. Life is too short. Focus on what you both have together, which sounds lovely. Sometimes we think we are uglier than we are too. She very likely hasn't thought anything bad about the way you look. I have a similar thing going on and I've started saying but I have other things which are good and I focus on that Instead. I'd rather have someone kind than a model, I think many other women would agree. Wishing you all the best!

Haha glad to make you chuckle. A sense of humour is one of my best features. I make the girl laugh a lot and always pick her up when she needs it. I think she is scared of getting hurt too. I grew up with a dad who told me I was ugly and useless and unlovable so fighting the demons inside. However, I never hurt anyone as I know what that feels like.

Thank you again and you sound lovely! Keep positive and hope that you find your dreams and get only the best!

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Original poster

GibKev · 27/11/2022 19:05

Watchkeys · 27/11/2022 18:44

Are you sexually attracted to her? All the things you're saying are things that could apply to a friend or a lover. Relationships are all different though; some people have relationships and don't have sex, by prior agreement, so really, it's up to you. If you only saw her once a year, and even then sat down in a cafe just for a chat, and wanted to call each other partners, you could. It feels a bit like you're trying to work out if your feelings fit 'the norm' for a relationship, but there isn't a norm.

What would your ideal relationship be like? How often would you like to see a partner, what sort of things would you do, what would your life together look like? What do you want?

I am sexually attracted to her. When I first saw her 4 years ago I just went "wow" and then we lost touch and when I saw her again went "wow". Now I see her beautiful heart.

She has moved to another country and said I should move over there too to escape where I am. We could live together etc.

I have never been in a relationship so dont know what my ideal one would be like. I just want to have someone to cuddle, talk to, explore the world and be comfortable with.

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GibKev · 27/11/2022 19:10

MsDogLady · 27/11/2022 19:01

I do go to therapy and do speak a lot about things, but this has been kept to myself and just needed impartial advise.

Gib, I would discuss your confused feelings with your therapist. Doing so may help you gain more clarity.

You clearly feel bonded emotionally with your friend. Are you also physically attracted to her?

Hi MsDogLady. Love your name. I am a massive dog lover and thats how I bonded with this girl. Our dogs met and we just chatted for an hour or so then bumped into each other and became close. Maybe it was fate.

Physically attracted to her yeh. I think she is stunning. I tell her that she is and she calls me handsome. But its just a friendly thing (I think).

Will have to chat about my feelings to my therapist. I dont want to lose her, but I dont want to regret anything. 45 years of hiding away and now its my time to make myself happy.

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