Difficult teenage daughter

[user1471549817]

Hi im looking for some advise and if I’m being unreasonable etc.
my teenage daughter who’s 15 is very rude, never helps around the house. She suffers anxiety and had low attendance at school. School have referred her to CAMHS (very long wait for ASD assessment).
anyway, for a number of months I’d pay for her to have nails and lash extensions, but recently I have put my foot down and said no to this as she never helps me with anything and her dad and I are verbally abused, she doesn’t swear at us but plain rude and sarcastic.
she has self harmed in the past, refused to comply with counselling sessions.
she tells me she be better off not here, and since I’ve told her no to lashes and luxury things she is threatening to not go to school or attend her college taster session days. I’m not sure how to handle this and should I have suddenly stopped allowing her to have those luxury’s despite no help in the house etc. TIA

you are not unreasonable, but i think you need to open that these are consequences of her behaviour and also let her know the pathway and things that she can do to earn these privileges back.

I do think this needs to be something that is clear in terms of behaviour and consequences in general rather than a one off. As maybe the behaviour as been ongoing and you've only just managed to react either way, be clear, firm and consistent.

Also might be good to let her know what is expected of her, chores around the house that are hers and overall behavioural expectations plus the consequences

How did you frame the removal of luxuries?

If you suddenly stopped because she's not doing what you want then YABU. Nothing has changed in her side yet you've taken something away. It would really have been better to get her to earn extra things by good bahaviour.

It sounds like it needs a really good adult discussion. Why doesn't she feel she needs to help around the house? Why is going to collage something for you rather than her?

Can you try family counselling? She might be more likely to engage if you accept its a family problem rather than an issue specifically with her.

Thanks for the replies :) I have made it clear to her that the reason I have done this is because she does nothing to help me and to earn this. She makes me feel guilty by saying “I can’t leave the house without my lashes, it helps my self confidence” which I I get that! But at the same time she also tells me she won’t go to school, I’ve warned her that I can be prosecuted for this and she just screamed at how I’m out of order etc.
she won’t do counselling as she says she doesn’t need it.
I’ve told her multiple times that I won’t continue to pay for the lashes of she keeps talking to us like that and this time around I have finally made an example of it, yet I feel bad 😞

She has to understand that all her actions have consequences for herself.

Keep the faith, hold steady and wait for her to get it. It may take a while and a lot more screaming .

When there is some small sign of thaw or realisation, you can float the idea of a contract, written by all three of you.