I was struggling to get a mortgage large enough to keep my house & he very kindly offered to come on to the mortgage to help me out.
Hold on OP.
You seem to think he was doing you a favour.
How about – you also did HIM a favour – by sharing a mortgage with him to help him out?
He wrote a very generous legal agreement protecting my equity in the property.
What do you mean – “he wrote”? Please tell me you had your own legal representation, separate from his?
& why do you think it was generous to have your interest in the property protected? That should be a given!
When we met I was attracted to his intellect, his ambition and his worldview. I found him attractive too if course.
And now he doesn’t share any of his intellect, ambition & worldview with you.
It’s ok to find that disappointing.
He still works in a high powered role but now100% from home. He never leaves the house. Has no friends. Drinks a lot every night. His only social engagements are work drinks- and it’s rare he’ll do that. He never, ever brushes his teeth and he really smells at night and in the morning in particular. He has generally low standards of hygiene, dirty food-stained clothes. He smokes SO much it’s unreal. He doesn’t clean. He does however cook a lot - but he always cooks massive meals that are really unhealthy and then leaves everything dirty so I have to clean it. I do all other housework too - unless I’m annoyed then he’ll do some.
See my point about you imagining he’s been generous, above, OP?
he has an affordable mortgage because you agreed to share with him.
Now he has a built in, free housekeeper too.
He gets worryingly pissed every night, is unhygienic & unhealthy - & you are treated as if you barely exist, except to service the house.
he is a very kind and generous person (as helping me with getting a mortgage demonstrates)
What’s kind about never engaging with you? About being filthy, about expecting you to do ALL the domestic drudgery?
And let me say this again OP – YOU were generous to help HIM get this mortgage. & please don’t knee-jerk defend him with any stuff about how he could have afforded it on his own because of his high-powered job. Even if he could – he still chose not to, until you came along. Maybe he only wanted to buy if he had a co-mortgagee. Or a housekeeper.
But when he’s not working he’s a big like a shell, scrolling Facebook or playing Call of Duty.
it’s like he’ll do anything for me - but if it relates to himself he won’t consider changing.
Do anything for you except stop gaming, drinking, gaming, smoking, cooking junk food, being stinky, making a huge mess in the kitchen for you to deal with, housework, talking with you of an evening …
I think I’m not sure if I am being shallow or not
Please stop blaming yourself like this. It’s really NOT shallow to want partnership. Basic adulting. Half shares on chores. Talking to each other. None of this is a big ask – it’s necessary & normal.
he never, ever brushes. And I’ve told him a number of times how much it bothers me but he doesn’t seem to want to… there is intimacy - but yes it does put me off.
You allude to a difficult childhood where this became a contentious issue. So maybe this is more than laziness – but if it is – it is JIS issue to fix, not YOU issue to tolerate. He needs to see a GP, get a clinical referral, get some help with how to start managing basic self-care.
And you are NOT obliged to tolerate intimacy with him when his hygiene remains revolting. You do not owe him that - ok?
yeah no internal life. Just seems really content with sitting in one room scrolling whatever screen. And he can have really interesting povs if asked but recently I’ve noticed unless I start a convo he will just sit there. Like, for a week. It’s so weird. But maybe it’s not odd and he’s fine.
It’s odd.
It’s not fine.
You are reasonable to expect interaction ith your partner. He is treating you like a piece of the furniture. It’s normal & healthy to want more.
like what is it about the fact that every day he rolls out of bed, smokes a fag, has a 30 minute poo and then spends all day on the sofa that is actually a problem? I can still go out, I can still do stuff, I still have a morning routine. So why is it actually a problem for me that he does that??
maybe I am just very controlling about how I want the people around me to be?!
IT IS NOT CONTROLLING TO EXPECT YOUR ROMANTIC PARTNER TO BE ENGAGED WITH LIFE, WITH YOU, WITH MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP & HOUSEHOLD WORK FOR YOU.
and I did have a rough childhood - not physically abusive - but we weren’t really prioritised and so it is hard for me to put myself first - see the wood for the trees, or really know what I feel sometimes.
on the financials. I have a good job & if I had to move out of this home & downsize I could. Right after my divorce I just didn’t feel able….
Do you feel able now OP?
Because I think some focus on just you & your DC for a year or 2 would do you so much good.
You are accepting so much poor behaviour – for whatever reasons, if his MH/neurodiversity is causing this much of a problem (it is! It’s ok to recognise that!), or if he is just plain lazy – the REASONS are not yours to deal with. The EFFECT is yours to deal with. You & your DC don’t need to be living with this disappointment & this terrible role-modelling.
Instead of dealing with that as a sad & uncomfortable fact – you are turning your discomfort against yourself with your constant refrain of “maybe it’s not him, it’s me, maybe I should be gratefiul, expect less, how can I convince myself to tolerate more of this non-partnership?”
It’s OK to expect more. It’s ok to remove you & your DC from life with an alcoholic who avoids communication & can barely cope with his own self-care, let alone maintaining a healthy relationship.
But he could consume 4-8 cans of lager a night through the evening & smoking too… I’m definitely definitely conscious of the kids seeing this and it’s a big part of my decision making. But then also, as I say, he’s good at understanding people & talking with the boys. He also makes stuff out of wood, plays guitar and is in other ways a good role model - practical. It’s when they’re at school that he just sits there vacantly….
He has to deal with his problems. It is not your job or responsibility to fix him.
You need to prioritise your DC & yourself.
i feel quite worried. A lot of my childhood was moving from one place to another and so I wonder if I have a tendency to just disrupt things - throw everything up in the air / break stuff …. I’m not sure if I’m capable of loving a partner in the long term (I have no problem loving my family / my kids)…. But I don’t know if I’m capable of a long term relationship - I’m not sure why.
You don’t need to consider your capability for a LTR right now.
All you need to consider is getting you & your DC out from this dysfunctional situation.
I want to make brilliant decisions- that are right for my kids.
Choose yourself & them.
What would the logistics of leaving look like – financial., legal, practical steps toward accommodation just for you & them?
I was thinking of getting some therapy to see if that might help.
Please, please do.
With a therapist well versed in dysfunctional family dynamics.
This is certainly NOT to suggest there is anything wrong with you.
If anything you are too thoughtful, too kind, too self-effacing.
I hope you find a brilliant therapist who can hold you hand as you rake over your family background, assess what eroded your boundaries & self-esteem, & who challenges your minimising attitude to your own needs & preferences. 