Counselling Complete Let Down

[RacLou82]

Hi, has anyone had a bad experience with counselling? I am struggling to recover from mine and I really need to vent hope nobody minds.

Basically my marriage has been suffering for around 6 years and I have posted about it previously, some of the advice was to try couples therapy which I was keen to do but my husband less so. Eventually after about 2 years of me bringing the subject up he agreed to it, we contacted an organisation and were put on a 6 month waiting list. After this long anxious wait we started online therapy on zoom and made a little progress. Then after just a couple of sessions it all started to go wrong when the counsellor cancelled us last minute. It was a family emergency so we of course we were understanding. But then the next 3 sessions consecutively she stood us up ‘forgetting’ to cancel us, or forgetting the date/time/to check her diary. Each appointment had taken us careful planning around our busy schedules and we arranged/paid for childcare etc. The last time she did it we decided we had had enough. I told her we were calling it a day and I complained to the company. I pointed out their strict cancellation policy of 24hours and that we deserve the same courtesy. They were extremely apologetic and got me a new counsellor quickly. But hubby says after this experience he won’t ever trust any form of therapy again, he was wary enough in the first place! So I’m seeing the new counsellor alone, better than nothing but it made such a difference having us both there. I just feel so let down and angry that I’m finding it hard to get over it. The progress we made as a couple got lost really quickly and now it feels we are back to square one.

The fact is either:

1. Your husband has already checked out of your marriage.

Or

1. Your husband is actually perfectly fine with the marriage you have. Its you that's unhappy. And he, doesn't give a shit.

He is using this bad therapy episode as an excuse to avoid bothering with more. Either because he just doesn't give a crap (points 1 and 2) OR because he is shitting himself that the therapist will recognise he doesn't give a crap/treats you like crap.

Stop focusing on couples therapy. It's a red herring. Either your marriage is already over or, it should be.

Stick at the personal therapy, hopefully it'll give you the clarity and strength to leave him.

What PinkBonbon wrote.

Given also what you have previously written about him you are flogging a dead horse here.

Be mad at your husband. He’s seized on some cancellations as an excuse to give up.

For more context, he has problems talking to anyone even when he is with his family there is mainly silence amongst them all. Think the upbringing hasn't helped, been taught not to share and just crack on. It does seem to be a genuine awkwardness and not deliberate to hurt anyone. He avoids doctors if he is ill.He really has not checked out of the relationship because when I mention separation he begs not to. I considered him agreeing to counselling as a big step for him and actually do not blame him for being put off by this bad experience. It's put me off a bit too if I'm honest, I expected better from a professional who is supposed to help people. It's not as if it was only a few cancellations we were repeatedly left waiting on Zoom like idiots, it was clear she did not care enough about her clients. Even the counselling company told me not to pressure my husband to continue as the trust has been broken and it will take him time to come round to the idea again. They find it very common for their male clients to show resistance to therapy so it's not surprising he has reacted the way he has.

I think that's outrageous of the therapist, and tbh I do feel for your husband - getting the courage to go to therapy at all must have taken a lot out of him and I do think shows that he wants things to improve and that he cares.

Can you focus at all on the progress you did feel you made in the early stages?

I haven't read it myself but a friend of mine read a book called Rapport with her partner and said it really helped - at least, they are still together at the moment! Might be worth trying something like that?

Oh it's not quite what I expected. But if you have very different communication, it might help you I guess -
www.amazon.co.uk/Rapport-People-Conversations-Revolutionise-Relationships/dp/1785042068#:~:text=Rapport%20reveals%20that%20every%20interaction,shape%20any%20conversation%20at%20will.

You're right to be disappointed with the level of service from your therapist. Sadly this is normality nowadays from many professionals and tradespeople. Plumbers and electricians have long had reputations for poor reliability, but I also feel this has spread to others who should know better. My DCs driving instructor is constantly cancelling last minute and they have a driving test quickly coming up! Times have changed, it's shit and it's the world we now live in. Lesson is that it's down to you two to sort yourselves out, maybe self help guides or something from the library would be more dependable, there's loads out there. Putting the future of your marriage into someone else's hands is not always the best thing.

@PermanentTemporary @DosCervezas

Thankyou, I will check out the link for that book. I do listen to/read a lot of self and relationship books and recognise I need to make changes too, it's not all down to my husband. I will carry on with this and whilst I have felt bitter about being let down I know I can't change it and need to move on.We will try to get back to working on what we started initially in therapy, and not let it hold us back.
Unreliability has always been a big peeve of mine, cannot stand time wasters and didn't expect it from a private professional service. Its shocking too that a driving instructor does this you would think they would show up when they rely on a customers money!

This is an example of crap service, not crap counselling. If your DH received bad service from your energy company, would he stop using electricity? Pleased you're having your own counselling.