Help me set this boundary

[EvacuationWarden]

I have been seeing someone for a while but my boundaries are a bit messy and I’m not good at setting them so really really want to get this right and could do with your help!

My boyfriend is really anxious about lots of things and is constantly worried that I am unfaithful (I am not and never ever have been in any relationship).

He doesn’t accuse me but will suggest that I am being sly and whilst I get that he is anxious, these digs piss me off. I have told him so, but also that I understand his anxiety and so reassure him that I am honest and not doing anything to make him doubt me.

I feel that the time has come for an ultimatum but not sure how to do this. Do I simply say “if you continue to accuse me/suggest I am being unfaithful then it’s over” and if he does it even once again just finish it? It then seems so cold but I absolutely hate it when it happens. A few times a week at present although does get worse when his general anxiety levels rise.

I get that this might seem really clear to lots but for me it isn’t hence my need for help!

There will be no happy ending in this relationship so you'd be better saving yourself more hassle and just ending it

He won't change. These types of men never do.

Your boundary is that you won't date anyone who doesn't trust you and puts you on the defensive and walking on eggshells over nothing.

And the way you hold that boundary is by walking away from such relationships.

There is no other right answer.

PS: when men act this way it's always one of two reasons. One - they are insecure and controlling and won't change. Two - they are cheating themselves and projecting big time.

Been there, got the t-shirt, never again...

Boundaries are not there for you to point out to others and say don't do that again. He is fully aware that his acquisitions are neither normal or acceptable which is why he phrases them in that way. He's not an idiot who needs to have acceptable behaviour explained to him.

Boundaries are there for you to be clear in yourself what you will and will not accept. And if something is unacceptable to you, you leave.

I'd definitely put consistent acquisitions that I am unfaithful as "a fuck you I'm off" boundary!!

OP I'd reconsider this man. He needs to do a lot of work on himself and his behaviour before he considers a relationship

Having been on the wrong end of someone's anxiety, it's tempting to want to help, or accommodate them where reasonable (this is an individual and context based decision) however, there is a real risk that this more collaborative' approach is one-sided
You will be doing the heavy lifting and apologising.

I guess it’s knowing how to determine when the point of no return has been reached. I think it probably has but because I’ve been tolerating it already I am finding it difficult to articulate to myself why now it is too much.

Remember, this is just the beginning. He will get worse. It’s not going to end well, is it worth all that?

Name change fail?

Balls. Yes. I’m rubbish at mning!

Just be aware that whatever the reason behind this behaviour, it is controlling. Its also a common abuser tactic to make you feel they are 'insecure' so you need to prove your love/loyalty/honesty to them.

If you ever find yourself thinking 'if only I could just find the right words to make them understand (my devotion/innocemce/loyalty ect)' you are actually in an abusive relationship.

It will drive you round the bend trying to prove yourself. You will never find the right words. Often because they don't actually want to believe you. They just want you stuck on the merry go round.

But if it is genuine insecurity making him behave that way (which I doubt) then he is not in a place to be in a relationship.

As pp said - boundaries are for OURSELVES and the treatment we accept from others. Never accept treatment like this from a man under any circumstances.

Ultimatums won't fix his underlying issues. They will only present in other (controlling) ways. So, run.

Thanks for the clarity MN 🌹

Very controlling, don't let him move in with you.

I have told him so, but

You've already stated your boundary, and now you're letting him walk over it.

Boundaries 101: Tell the person calmly that when they do xyz, you feel abc (bad feeling). That's all you have to do. If they keep doing it, they are disregarding your feelings, and you leave, because it's more important for them to do xyz than it is to consider how you feel.

You don't have to worry about right and wrong. This person is too anxious for you to have a comfortable relationship with. Shame for him, shame for you. No blame, just a mismatch.

Next time he mentions it I would go home saying I have had enough of this shit I will see you when and only when you stop with this unattractive, needy, obsessive nonsense. Do you understand? Have a nice evening.

And go home.

And do this again if it happens warning, three strikes and we're done.

And if it happens again end it.

You aren't his therapist. It isn't up to you to manage his mh...

Hi I'm just wondering if you've heard of relationship ocd (ROCD), it's possible he may experience this.

Personally I wouldn't give a toss if he had anxiety or whatever. If he doesn't trust you, it's the end of the road. I'd just say what you've said in your OP and if he overstepped even one more time, I'd end it.

Being in a relationship with this man is evidence of your poor boundaries. This is who he is and his anxieties will constantly need to be appeased. Whatever the source or the triggers for his anxieties are, they are not your responsibility and every time he says something, he is letting you know that he thinks it is.

Overcoming his anxiety is his responsibility and it sounds like he doesn’t think it is. Move on already because before you know it you will start altering your behaviour to accommodate his anxieties and once you go there, the precedent will be set.

He's successfully groomed you to accept bad behaviour. Sorry. Well done for spotting it.

If he was aware he had an issue, then he could seek help for it and ensure his concerns don't impact you. It's his problem to fix, not yours. Otherwise you enter the endless dance of reassuring him that he matters, that you love him, that you wouldn't cheat, that you aren't cheating... and it will never be enough.

An ultimatum might be necessary but does he completely know how you feel. i'e' have you said words to the effect of...
"I feel very hurt when you say (whatever the hurtful digs are). I am faithful and I am interested in you only. I need you to trust my words when I tell you this so please can you stop saying....."
If the above is not listened to I'd throw the towel in. His insecurities are not your responsibility. Good luck!

Yeah sorry, I'd advise you to end it too.

My boyfriend is really anxious about lots of things and is constantly worried that I am unfaithful (I am not and never ever have been in any relationship).
This is such a classic trope from 'insecure' partners.
It inevitably means "I have a problem, but instead of doing anything to fix myself, I will make it YOUR problem."
It's not insecurity - it's control.

He doesn’t accuse me but will suggest that I am being sly and whilst I get that he is anxious, these digs piss me off. I have told him so, but also that I understand his anxiety and so reassure him that I am honest and not doing anything to make him doubt me.
Stop reassuring him.
Every time you do - you are 1) giving credibility to his 'insecurity' ie control 2) underlining that you're ok with him making you responsible for his 'insecurity' ie control 3) feeding his entitlement to make you jump through hoops to fix HIS problem.

I feel that the time has come for an ultimatum but not sure how to do this. Do I simply say “if you continue to accuse me/suggest I am being unfaithful then it’s over” and if he does it even once again just finish it?
A few times a WEEK?!
Yeah, you can issie an ultimatum.
But you have already told him you don't like it, & still he does it ... so what do you think would change, by saying it again?
If you give him this ultimatum, you need to be 100% cast iron sure that you can & will walk away the moment he breaks it.
Because he will.
One of 2 things will happen - he will make an effort for a short while, then his behaviour will start to re-emerge. he will apologise, promise not to do it again - until he does it again.
Or he will stop for a longer time, but his need to control you will just emerge in different ways. He'll start criticising what you wear, interrogating you about who your friends are & where you are going, he'll demand text updates as to your whereabouts, demand proof like sending him pics of where you are, & he'll start to dislike your friends & create arguments to drive a wedge between you & anyone who is not him.

It then seems so cold but I absolutely hate it when it happens. A few times a week at present although does get worse when his general anxiety levels rise.
It's not cold to protect yourself.
It's not cold to hold boundaries.
It's not cold to finish with unsuitable men.
This is your skewed sense of boundaries talking.
YOU OWE THIS MAN NOTHING.
He's already making you tense & unhappy.
What's cold about removing yourself from tension & unhappiness?
All that will happen if you stay is that his controlling behaviour will escalate.

I get that this might seem really clear to lots but for me it isn’t hence my need for help!
You've done well to recognise 1) that your boundaries are weak 2) that he is waving ALL the red flags for control & 3) that you needed a sense-check here.

What happened to you to erode your boundaries? No need to answer that if you don't want to! - but instead of wasting time on this ghastly little man (how DARE he infer you are 'sly'? Where is your anger?!), start invesitng time in yourself.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Get educated, get your self-esteem back up, get assertive ... & don't date anyone else until you are sure of being able to hold your own boundary - which as PP have explained, isn't about constantly informing the other person what it is, then hoping they respect it. It's about respecting yourself enough to recognise a boundary-crasher, & walk away from them.

I don't think OP needs to be ANY clearer than "these digs piss me off" - which is exactly what she's already said to him.

It hasn't stopped him.
Nothing will - he's a controlling arsehole who will ruin her mental health if she sticks around.

This.

@KettrickenSmiled thank you for such a thoughtful post. My ex husband was controlling, emotionally and financially, and this was what eventually made me leave (with the support of mumsnet I might add 🙏🙏) but there was so much subtlety as well as the overt control that it’s only now 6 years after we split that I am starting to recognise and unpick how the messages I absorbed have affected every single area of my life. We were together for 20 years and did a lot of growing up together during that time.

One thing I struggle with is the line between accepting someone how they are and determining how much is too much. This situation is a good example. In fact it is so hard that I can’t imagine actually meeting anyone I’d want to spend my life with- but I am actually ok with this. I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship, I have just sort of fallen into it. My boyfriend of course has many good qualities - he is a human being and we are not all good or all bad- as I have pushed back against this current jealousy issue ever since we met, none of the other behaviours mentioned on this thread have come to light at all.

I have told him today that one more instance of jealous behaviour will mean it is over, that whilst I feel love for him the jealous stuff cancels it out and means it isn’t worth it. I used the word dealbreaker and he is in no uncertain terms that if he crosses the line again then we’re through. I also believe myself too and am very prepared to carry through- if it wasn’t for this issue things would be good.

Thank you mumsnetters. Can’t remember how to do the mn flowers but please have some!

With people like this reassurance doesn’t work. The more you pander to them the worse their suspicions get. He will never change so I’d get out now if I were you.