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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling with female friendships

19 replies

cakeycakes · 26/11/2022 12:01

Anyone else really struggle with this? I'm over 40, married, kids, but have basically no female friends, nor have I really been able to maintain friendships that I've started over the long term. I'm fully aware that the common denominator in all this is me, BTW. I've had some fairly rough life experiences - violent father/childhood abuse, supported my mother through cancer treatment in my late teens (shortly after my parents had divorced), premature firstborn, chronic illness which totally derailed my 30's, struggles to get diagnosed with that, and then some fairly brutal surgeries in my late 30's, a lot of medical incompetence, surgical menopause and the long term work of managing that - which have given me what I know is a bit of an odd outlook on life. I feel, always, like an outsider when I talk to other women, and if I do talk about the things that have happened to me, I'm always left regretting it. I realised a long time ago that a lot of women are uncomfortable with women who have experienced male violence. I understand their feelings. Husband, who is lovely, says I overthink things and worry too much. But god, it's lonely on this side of the fence.

Anyone else in the same boat/feel the same?

OP posts:
LooneyToon · 26/11/2022 18:37

Yes and me. I am definitely not a woman's woman and I am ok with that. I much prefer male company (I have OH so don't keep male friends mind)

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 26/11/2022 19:34

it can be cultural. In the UK I had mostly male friends, where I live now 95% of my friends are female. It still makes me blink.

schoolsoutforever · 26/11/2022 20:02

Yes, I get it. I rarely fit in with women friendship groups. I have had many friends over the years and do get on with colleagues at work, but I always feel a bit different/outside. I don’t have the kind of trauma you have experienced but I have had mental health issues from a young age. I try to just accept it now and just think that’s who I am. Luckily I don’t mind my own company.

JogOnNed · 26/11/2022 20:34

Yes I prefer male company, most of my friends are male. I won't advise why as I'd be accused of gender stereotyping, but in general we don't get petty over small things and can openly joke about things without sensitivity involved. I'm very thick skinned and have found that my male friends hardly ever feel insulted.

@LooneyToon why would having a husband mean you can't have male friends?

Cosyfire · 26/11/2022 20:39

Totally get this. I've a lot of female acquaintances, but not friends. I get on better with men generally, but wouldn't call any of them friends either tbh, except OH. In my experience, men never can quite get their heads around platonic relationships, so I don't go there anymore. Not sure why I don't make female friends.... people just don't like me much I guess! I've had a few bad experiences with people I thought were friends, only to discover bitching/sniggering behind my back, so that's probably made me ultra cautious now. Tbh OP, I'd say try not to let it bother you...think of all the emotional investment and time that female friendships require (always answering messages, constantly meeting up etc), and count yourself lucky you've your own life !!

Spud70 · 26/11/2022 20:53

I'm on the same page as you
My female freindships fail i cant stand the two - faced bitching , I'm probably too sensitive , I find it triggering, too upsetting
I also have trauma history, which has made me very ill over the years
I'll be getting a dog as soon as I can.afford to work less

lawofselfish · 26/11/2022 20:59

Urgh these threads.

Pick mes, and not-like-other-girls aplenty

Stomacharmeleon · 26/11/2022 21:02

Maybe your intensity and over sharing is off putting (sorry)

username8888 · 26/11/2022 21:11

I think difficult life experience have multiple issues. You feel no one will understand because the vast majority don't, people don't really want to hear bad experiences, your trauma isolates you anyway and you are often depressed and people don't like to socialise with depressed people because it's depressing. So you start from a no win situation. Your isolation stops deep friendships unless it's that rare person with similar traumas who can relate to you.

FWIW, many people don't have more than friends they share a hobby with and can have a laugh with. The intense friendships formed in your teens don't (I believe) often happen as adults because we have husbands, partners, family and children to fill that void.

Discoh · 26/11/2022 21:17

Stomacharmeleon · 26/11/2022 21:02

Maybe your intensity and over sharing is off putting (sorry)

Yeah I thought this. I don't agree that a lot of women are uncomfortable with the idea of others having suffered male violence...however they might well feel uncomfortable with somebody they barely know sharing this kind of stuff with them.

Start your friendships light, once you know that you really click with somebody that's the time for the deeper stuff.

whiteroseredrose · 26/11/2022 22:44

I'm the opposite. No male friends other than DH, and I'm fine with that. I get on ok with my friends' husbands but I'm not bothered if I ever see them or not.

cakeycakes · 27/11/2022 08:15

Discoh · 26/11/2022 21:17

Yeah I thought this. I don't agree that a lot of women are uncomfortable with the idea of others having suffered male violence...however they might well feel uncomfortable with somebody they barely know sharing this kind of stuff with them.

Start your friendships light, once you know that you really click with somebody that's the time for the deeper stuff.

So no-one is uncomfortable with it, but don't tell people because you'll make them uncomfortable?

As a general rule I'm very private. I don't go around announcing any of this, and most people have no idea. But sometimes things leak out if you've known someone for a couple of years , or you are talking about your children/birth experiences, or if I'm ill (again). I don't hammer people with the gory details of everything because that would be weird and upsetting for both of us.

OP posts:
cakeycakes · 27/11/2022 08:28

username8888 · 26/11/2022 21:11

I think difficult life experience have multiple issues. You feel no one will understand because the vast majority don't, people don't really want to hear bad experiences, your trauma isolates you anyway and you are often depressed and people don't like to socialise with depressed people because it's depressing. So you start from a no win situation. Your isolation stops deep friendships unless it's that rare person with similar traumas who can relate to you.

FWIW, many people don't have more than friends they share a hobby with and can have a laugh with. The intense friendships formed in your teens don't (I believe) often happen as adults because we have husbands, partners, family and children to fill that void.

Yes, 100% this, all of it is very isolating. I also have an isolating job where I don't meet a lot of people (partly because it fit in with being ill/having an SEN child, and I guess partly because it has allowed me to avoid other people, which often seems easier). I don't think I'm depressed particularly, I'm quite a cheerful person, but I'm flaky and a bit odd and I'm aware of that.

Thanks to everyone for the kind and helpful responses.

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 27/11/2022 08:28

Are you saying that every close female friendship you have had breaks down once you share the challenges you have experienced in your life?

LizzieSiddal · 27/11/2022 08:36

I’m the same and have been like this since secondary school. Always felt very much on the outside of a group, don’t really know how to “do” friendships. I too had trauma as a child mainly caused by the relationship with my mum, so maybe that has something to do with it.
I kind of feel ok not having friendships but sometimes it really bothers me and if I see a group of women having a great laugh I really wish I could do that too.

Citycentre3 · 27/11/2022 08:44

I am better with one to one friendships. I have a couple of friends I see individually from school days, but the pack mentality of female group friendships can be be so intimidating.

I don't over share, even with friends I have known for 30+ years. I am very wary of new people so I keep things cordial and brief. I would not like an uber intense female friendship in my 40s, I kind of feel that is for the younger lot.

Discoh · 27/11/2022 08:56

cakeycakes · 27/11/2022 08:15

So no-one is uncomfortable with it, but don't tell people because you'll make them uncomfortable?

As a general rule I'm very private. I don't go around announcing any of this, and most people have no idea. But sometimes things leak out if you've known someone for a couple of years , or you are talking about your children/birth experiences, or if I'm ill (again). I don't hammer people with the gory details of everything because that would be weird and upsetting for both of us.

Well if they don't know you well, yes it might make them uncomfortable. As PP have said people don't generally want to embark upon intense friendships when they're older and perhaps they think that you would be too intense and energy sapping.

If however you mean that these are people you have already become close to and then they back off, then no that's not nice.

FootfallFootball · 27/11/2022 09:03

Most of my friends are women, but I can't do female groups as I've no idea what level of loyalty and honesty exists between me and certain individuals with whom I'm less close. In groups I see potential hazards of gossip, envy, competition, etc. My one-to-one female friendships are solid, and I've learnt to vet new ones.

countryclassic · 27/11/2022 10:58

I think it's quite common. I created a friendship group with other girlfriends of my OH and the past 6 months they've started doing things without me. Has always happened to me and always will. I much prefer male company and banter. But as I've gotten older, it's causes me to have major social anxiety and I've accepted that I'm not everyone cup of tea and women quite frankly are horrible.

Don't worry OP, lots of us feel this way and can't hold down friendships x

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