Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want him to call when he says he will

18 replies

Itsgoingtobealongone · 26/11/2022 07:59

Been seeing a man for 9 months. I am keen on him. The big problem I have is that very often when he says he is going to call me, he doesn’t.

He initiates everything and has pursued me a lot. Over this period he has organised and paid several big things for us to do together (3 holidays/mini breaks, days out at fancy UK events, our dates, meals, theatre shows etc.)

this is all great of course, but inbetween that time he will be in touch on text each day and ask me specifically if he can call me to catch up and when. So we’ll have a whole text conversation about when is a good time (between work and DC as we are both divorced.) the time then comes and he doesn’t call. I see him on WhatsApp “online.” He is not expecting me to call him as his schedule is the most complicated and he’s made it clear.

it was so bad one week where he kept instigating conversations about calls and then not calling, I told him I thought we should leave it (the whole relationship.) I explained why. I said I need to know when I am going to hear from you and I never do.
at the end of that particular week we were supposed to go to Paris (a trip organised by him.) I didn’t go as we had broken up. He has since held this over my head whenever I have the conversation about calling.

we got back together post Paris after he promised to stop doing it. But he’s doing it again. When I brought it up he said why are you making such a big deal of this? We see each other 1-2 times a week organised by me, “you stood me up in Paris,” how should I be on the back foot all the time about calling? I have also stopped replying to his daily texts trying to organise a call because what’s the point!

it’s the little things… isn’t it? Just to re-iterate I am keen on him and we get on well. But surely? Am I being stupid? I suppose my question or advice seeking is - how else do I communicate this??

OP posts:
Changingplace · 26/11/2022 08:02

Why can’t you just call him? Why is it all about his schedule? Why does a call need to be scheduled in?

radrado · 26/11/2022 08:02

I couldn’t be bothered with this - he doesn’t respect you. I’m sorry but I would end it and move on. Raise your standards. Sorry 💐

Wibbly1008 · 26/11/2022 08:06

You have to play a bit hard to get here. You are too available . If he doesn’t call on time arranged , don’t answer the next call or any texts that day . Let him feel what you are feeling.

Wibbly1008 · 26/11/2022 08:07

You need to read “the rules” . Always be very busy and don’t answer every call.

Quiegal · 26/11/2022 08:07

@Itsgoingtobealongone

I wouldn't bother with him if he can't call you.

Sounds like he married or got someone.

You need to wait for him because he busy. Something not right here.

Lottapianos · 26/11/2022 08:12

'I couldn’t be bothered with this - he doesn’t respect you. I’m sorry but I would end it and move on. Raise your standards. Sorry 💐'

All of this. It's way too much hard work OP. You feel like you can't rely on him, he's said he will change but he hasn't, and seems to have some tit-for-tat thing going on about Paris. Sounds way too tiresome

FinallyHere · 26/11/2022 08:18

Another voice saying that I couldn't be doing with this, either. Especially when he knows that you don't like agreeing a time to talk (fair enough) only for him to not all (not so fair enough.

How long does it take to cancel or rearrange? What is he thinking ? Is it really just a power play so that are at his beck and call?

Not so nice.

Mehmeh22 · 26/11/2022 08:19

I'm currently listening to a friend who has been with her boyfriend for 8 years and it started with stuff like this. Then the tit for tat started.

She's now a house and three kids in and is trapped.

He will not change. Cut your losses.

SirChenjins · 26/11/2022 08:21

Do you really have time for this drama in your life? He sounds like a huge amount of work, very manipulative and really not very nice. I think you need to take a step back from this relationship and just let it slide - it doesn’t sound like he’s enhancing your life in a positive way.

Drinknumber11 · 26/11/2022 08:24

this will be hard to hear, but if a man wants to call you/see you he will make every effort to do so. I don’t think he’s as into you as you are into him.

also, why can’t you call him?

Byelaws · 26/11/2022 08:25

There is someone else. No one normal is that obsessed with their schedule.

CrystalCoco · 26/11/2022 08:26

Sounds like he's only good for the big gestures, but the little details (the important little details) that a good relationship thrive on, not so much.

He's showing you who he is, if you don't like it then walk away - he's showing he's not willing to change (despite saying he will)

If you think about the situation from the other side, would you treat someone that you cared about like this? No, because you care how they feel and you wouldn't want to upset them.

Incidentally do you ever ask him why he didn't call when he said he would? What's he soooo busy doing that he can't pick up the phone for a few minutes?

Potentially another vote for 'already married / LTR'...

Delicatesoul · 26/11/2022 08:28

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
Don't be mistaken, the small things matter. Clearly, your love languages don't align. And communication is so key.
I met an older man recently who also won't call me, said he is too busy to text, so I have to wait on his 1 date a week for quality time. I quickly realised its bread-crumbing and is a form of abuse especially when I have made clear that I need communication. I cut him off and have put myself back out there.
Im sure there's a man out there that'd be happy to place a free call to me a few times a week.

Dery · 26/11/2022 08:29

The insistence that he call you and never the other way round is a big red flag. No-one’s schedule is so complicated that they can never take a call from their partner. It means he wants to hide that these calls are taking place and he can only do that if he controls the timing. I think he has another relationship going on.

ValerieDoonican · 26/11/2022 08:37

How arrogant he is! Thinking he gets to control how and when you contact him , and he's so important/desirable that you will willingly dance to his tune for the privilege of his company.

This isn't going anywhere. What kind of relationship is it when you have to do as he says, but he doesn't do either what you ask , or indeed, what he says he will?

Nah.

unname · 26/11/2022 08:40

He thinks he is more important than you. And he’s already in a relationship.

catmum88 · 26/11/2022 08:44

I spent my life like this for years, with various men - getting stressed about their levels of contact and why they would let me down. Then I met my current partner and from day one he just did what he said he’d do. I couldn’t believe it - it was just easy, and great. This is not the man for you, please move on to someone who doesn’t put you through drama like this.

TeaGinandFags · 23/09/2023 18:55

He's married/ already with someone.

LTB

New posts on this thread. Refresh page