He's not the parent I thought he was after split

[Chocolatebombing]

Before we separated, our kids never went a day without speaking to and very rarely, without seeing their father. He was always practically hands on and on the face of it, interested in them.

However, since he left, I've been surprised at his lack of interest and engagement in our kids. They are so young still and it's been a case of out of sight, out of mind.

No checking in on them on days he doesn't see them and when he is with them, he doesn't seem delighted to be with them after time apart, he isn't really listening to what they have to say or taking an interest and I am so shocked. It's like he resents his time with them and doesn't know how to be a Dad when I'm not around.

I'd always thought of him as a good father. It just seems like a chore to him- that's until I appear and he suddenly begins joking around and seemingly enjoying them but when I'm sat upstairs listening to him with them, he just seems to be completely detached. I always wondered why they played up for him when he's with them, but I have managed to see/hear that he's just not that interested in them and they are battling for affection and attention.

Him seeing them in our family home is temporary until he's able to have them over night (he's currently staying with a friend) but he is organising somewhere to rent. I just don't know how it will pan out when I'm not there, or even if he'll be very involved with them as time goes on.

I'm left wondering why he bothers. He's quite a dutiful person and will clearly continue seeing the children out of obligation, but I worry that it's not out of love or joy.

Has anyone else experienced this realisation on separation/divorce?

My ex is the same. He didn't stay in his dad's house for 7 weeks once. He wouldn't do weekends for a long time. Now he's met someone he's sihhtly better but I'm happy he doesn't want 50/50. He'll never fight me for Xmas or birthdays so I win.

It's really hard being the non resident parent and only seeing your kids occasionally. Especially if it's in the former family home. Maybe it'll be a bit easier for him when he gets his own place and then you can do 50/50 shared care?

So many men are like this. Being a father is part of the "marriage package" but when the couple breaks up, the kids are Her Responsibility. She is lucky if he even pays support regularly. And yet, so many women stay in toxic relationships because "he is so good with the kids". It's like walking the dog -- if he is there he will do it, but he won't come visit just to walk the dog. It's now Your Dog and Your Kids.

This is called performance parenting. Usually done in front of other friends or family members. Harder to prove when you’re alone

This is exactly what I've witnessed @GeorgiaGirl52 The package is gone and so is his dedication to the children.

He has them at his friends place one weekend day a week for 8 hours (his friend works on Saturdays) and he comes back complaining about the eldest's behaviour. He can't empathise that they are adjusting to the separation of their parents and seems unaware that they too are going through a tough time @altmember . He seemed more empathetic even when he lived with us.

I can see the performance parenting now @Ihatethenewlook. I don't think he enjoys parenting at all when I'm not around. It had never dawned on me before.

My ex is like this as well. The only reason I had stayed with him was he was good with DD (he was having an affair for years). It's been nothing but performance / disney dad parenting for 12 years now. I thought it might improve when he got his own place, but no sadly not. I thought he might develop some empathy for how hard is was to not see him for 6 months after we split (he refused), and then pitch up with a ready made new family and house (he moved in with OW + her kids and wouldn't see DD until he'd sorted out his new life). Sadly not. 10 years later, they have no relationship, she still goes to see him but sits in her room while there and doesn't interact with him or his wife / her kids. It's all so unhealthy.

He divested himself of all parenting upon split. He's literally never done a school run, homework, a doctors or dentist appt. It was parents evening yesterday, yet again he didn't turn up. She's a teenager and he's literally never been.