What do you call this?

[iamnotthisperson]

I found out last night Dh has borrowed 10k for our business without telling me and I'm still not over it, completely flattened by this. Yes the business needed it and will be able to repay. I can't believe the effect this is having on me, I've learned to become pragmatic but I am very distressed by this. He will come home soon and pretend nothing is wrong.

I would call it deception; how can you trust him when he doesn’t discuss these decisions with you? He’s not acting like he’s on your team

If the business needed it, had it been discussed as a possibility?
If the business needed it, what would the consequences be of not taking out the loan?

It feels like almost theft if you hadn't agreed to it. It's the doing it without telling you which is the most unpleasant thing.

Thank you so much for reading and replying @Shoxfordian and @DogInATent We had discussed it but dismissed it and decided to bugger on. We are emerging from years of repaying loans for the company and finally can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I am loath to take on more debts and would like a breather, whilst he is very relaxed with having debts. The consequences would have been unpleasant, but not long-lived.

@OldFan yes, that's it.

are you a director ? he could not have done it that way without your signature

He knew what you felt and went and did it anyway.

What's the rest of your relationship like? Does he have form for overriding you?

It's utterly deceitful. I'd be furious that he'd hidden it and the abrogation of responsibility for his actions.

@tootiredtobother I am the sole director, but he went to his moneybags friend so didn't need my signature.
@category12 Well yes, this is not coming out of the blue sadly, on a personal level my trust for him has been shot a long time ago, but the business is another level.

Basically no respect for you and you have no trust left. It feels like the wind has been knocked out of you because it's yet another boundary flattened.

@DisplayPurposesOnly that's how I feel about it, furious, and desperately sad and hopeless.

He will be home soon and I can't.

I was going to say if the business needed it and could pay it back, then I would be angry with him, but I would learn to deal with it.

But he has borrowed from a friend? I would not like that at all. That said, could it just be handed back to the friend.

@Aprilx yes, that's what's going to happen, when we get paid we'll pay his friend back, and the friend's money has been used to pay suppliers. It's just another crossing of boundaries, discussing and agreeing something - that I didn't force on him - and then being ignored and overridden. I thought we were past this.

I know the problem is deeper than this last infringement, it's a sum total, I just have no one I can turn to, so thanks to those who have posted.

If you're the sole director then there's an issue. Does he hold shares, and is there a reason he's not a director? - I'm trying to figure out the "our business" angle and whether it's appropriate to remove him from the bank account and not let him pay in.

Debt isn't inherently bad in a business, and if it's affordable debt and required in order to pay suppliers then it sounds like it may have been needed.

The issue seems to be communication and trust. Both are essential in a relationship and in a business.

Yes there is a reason why he's not a director: against my advice he argued and lost against HMRC, instead of arguing with the accountant whose advice he followed, if he wanted to argue with anyone. He is still repaying. If he was a director the business would be liable for his past mistake, instead of just him personally. It's just all too much.

@iamnotthisperson have you looked into getting advice from a business mentor?

I know from experience that it can be very hard to separate the business relationship from the personal relationship when dealing with family businesses. Someone with an outside perspective might be able to offer advice and guidance.

Oh my - that is a monumental cock-up. If it was the accountant's error, then they have liability insurance to cover this sort of thing and they should have been the ones to pay up.

@DogInATent I have, I agree that's exactly what we need, but where to find one?
Ironically enough, his accountant used to be his unofficial 'mentor', partner at a big firm, long working relationship. To this day, Dh defends his work as absolutely correct and right. I guess he should have married that old white man, he has more loyalty to him than to me.

@barskits Of course they have liability insurance, for that exact purpose, but see above. The accountant was a few months away from retirement and probably didn't want his illustrious record sullied, or whatever. Dh was never going to 'turn' against him.

It’s completely understandable that this has left you reeling… it’s the most unsettling, scary thing to be in a relationship and know that there’s no trust: it just leaves you looking over your shoulder all the time, waiting for the next indiscretion.

You asked what this is called: in terms of your marriage, it’s financial infidelity. I (sadly) have first hand experience of this and left my now ex-husband after years of repeated secret borrowing, denial, minimising etc etc

But it’s also putting you in an embarrassing situation given that someone else knows but you husband didn’t tell you AND as sole director, a vulnerable position too as you can’t really operate on the full set of facts.

Sending strength as he’s behaving appallingly and putting you in a shitty situation. And as others have said, not all debt is bad debt in business but it’s the betrayal that cuts deep.

@iamnotthisperson there's a few places you can try:

• MentorsMe - it's an orphan website, some of the details are out of date, but most of the mentors are still about and you can usually get a first meeting for free without commitment.
• Your Local Enterprise Partnership - most have an advice service, and you should get an initial meeting.
• Your local Chamber of Commerce - may be able to point you to someone.

Thank you so much @SageYourResoluteOracle your kind words mean a lot. It's hard to stay on an even keel when your free will is taken away from you time and time again. I am sorry you have experience of this and so glad you found your way out. It's no way to live.

@DogInATent thank you for taking the time, I haven't had much luck so far with the CofC so will look into MentorsMe and LEP with interest. He will not like this if I can find a suitable match but I need some sanity.

‘What do you call this?’
A damn good reason to unlink yourself financially from him