Scared of being alone after 25 year marriage

[Bowie16]

I need some perspective I think! Please
help.
Have been married 25 years and have grown up kids. DH has been a wonderful dad and is a kind and supportive husband. He has also been a porn addict since I had our first DS and probably before that (the signs were there). The first time I went out with DS on my own when he was a baby, came home to find husband with porn. As a result, he has shown no sexual interest in me for most of our marriage. I just ignored it really as it didn’t seem important when kids were young and took over our lives. They have all moved out now and I’m left with him.
Went on holiday together without DCs this summer and I was hoping we would reconnect and I could see a future for us. Nothing. He is not interested in me sexually.
After that I insisted he had counselling to
stop his porn use. He did ( he knows it’s a problem)
but although I believe he has stopped, there is still very little interest in me.
he really is a lovely man but he makes me feel like shit.
I am terrified of starting again at my age but also terrified of staying with him. Am I blowing this up
out of all proportion? We get on fine and it’s just sex?

It would be one thing if it was just a recent issue but you are saying most of your marriage has been like this.
I could not live with a man with a porn habit.. yuck. it destroys everything and completely erodes your self confidence and sense of self
I often think people are too quick to say leave, especially since what is out there is often not a lot better and a lot of issues could be fixable but I would not waste another second of your life on this man. Be in his life, be his friend if you want but you owe it to yourself for a chance at romantic love.. or even a fulfilling sex life. Life's short

Thanks so much for replying. I have felt like
a mum and not a wife for nearly our whole marriage. But then people say porn is not a big deal and I agree with that as long as it is secondary to real life sex! I just cannot imagine the rest of my life without feeling desired by someone. It is crushing to live like this. But then it sounds trivial. Mid life crisis maybe?

May I ask how old you are now roughly?. Where do you see yourself in a years time, still with this man?. A man who has very real and long-standing problems with intimacy.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.
I think you are very much alone within the confines of this marriage which has also been dominated by porn at great cost to you.

You have put others first with you dead last . Now it’s high time you put your own self first. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Don’t accept this relationship for yourself now.

Thanks Atilla. I am fast approaching 50 😓and that is part of the problem. I don’t want to be on my own and that might happen. I know that sounds really weak but he is a good friend and companion. And is it not better to have that than no one? I don’t know. But what if I give this up and never find the romance/ sex life I want? Pathetic I know. Need to grow a pair. I think I’m nearly there. He left for a couple of months this summer and had therapy but nothing has changed. Just feel stuck.

You are on your own in this marriage and that is a dark place to be in. WhT you’ve described here is really your slow death by 1000 cuts. Do not be furthermore a party to your own emotional demise. What are you staying for now, you cannot use your adult children here as a reason because they’ve all left home. Do not be afraid to move on with your own life. Who are you really as a person, do you know who you really are? I would argue no.

He is neither a good friend to you or companion for that matter. He is a millstone around your neck. This same man left you for a couple of months this past summer.

You could well end up being his career ultimately in
his dotage if you remain with him, is that what you want? I think not.

I'm confused why you think he had very little interest in you. Do you mean sexually? Do you mean you make the first move and he rejects you?

You sound very sad, and rightly so. You are good friends and companions but without sex, that is all you are. The grass isn't always greener so you are correct in thinking you may not find love and romance if you left him. But you might. And even if you didn't, do you think you might be happier on your own, without the pressure of knowing you are in a marriage but that is not fulfilling.

The porn your husband watches, is it female or male? I'm surprised he shows zero interest in you sexually, and it sounds like this has been the case for a long time. I hate to ask the question as it sounds cliche, but could he be gay?

He has little interest in me sexually. It’s as though he has watched so much porn (girls definitely ) he doesn’t even see me as a sexual being. I have also thought over the years that he might be gay but I’m sure now that he’s not.. I don’t think I am unattractive but I definitely do not look like your average porn star🥹. I am not blameless. I have turned a blind eye for many years. I rarely instigate sex but to be honest that’s because I don’t feel sexy/wanted. I hear my friends talking about being hounded for sex by their husbands and feel a bit empty

I think porn is a big deal, I wouldn’t put up with it.

OP, you have not said that you desire him or that you are specially attracted to him? Sexual attraction is not something that you put on the shelf and then dust it off years later and think that it will still be there.

Neither of you should feel compel to have sex simply because you are married. If for whatever reason there is no desire for or attraction to the other person you , what then is motivation for sex? Neither of you should want obligation or pity sex.

Make the best decision you can on the info available and maybe have some counselling to help you see the wood for the trees. Personally, and I know it’s different, my H had an affair and left. I was 55. I had worked all my life but retired a couple of years before he went to be able to look after him. I was bereft, sad, scared.

my life 7 years on is far better than it was with my h. I live a full life, I have great fun, I can’t tell you how glad I am he went and how clear I am that I don’t want him back. Those sorts of things make up for the fact that I am sometimes on my own, I’ve had to give myself a talking to from time to time about getting a grip and challenging myself, and there are times I’d love someone special to share things with. It’s a bit “feel the fear and do it anyway” sometimes but the sense of empowerment is great.

Good luck with your choice.

I’m the same age as you OP and I also think porn is a big deal . I couldn’t see a man who supports the industry as either a good father or a good person , sorry to say.

I should clarify by saying , that doesn’t mean someone may not be those things and I’m not saying that about your husband , just that for me I would find it very hard to see the person I was with as a good person if he were supporting an industry I strong believe exploits women and girls . It would deeply colour my view of him as a person

Thank you all for your messages. It really helps. I can’t discuss this with family and friends and so I’ve kept it all private. I suppose I’ve always thought that no marriage is perfect but I guess some are more perfect than others🤷‍♀️.