MM helping other women

[coohearts1971]

DH has a naturally giving nature. Helps out people eg. if someone mentions that they need a lift, he will offer.
But when does helping out other women become risky? Especially women I've never met.
I don't mean from his side, I mean a woman getting the wrong end of the stick?
What would you take to mean a married man was into you as opposed to just helping you?

Do you trust your partner? Does he talk a lot about all the other women he's helping? Does he do his fair share in your household and more besides for you?

It never becomes risky if you can and do trust him. The intentions and actions of the women are completely irrelevant.

I would worry if they were refusing to do things for me but agreeing to them for other people.

So from my point of view, I would be really pissed off if my husband was going around giving lifts and fixing things etc for other women and not for me and in our house.

And as a woman, I would think that anyone doing things for me that they wouldn't do for their own partner was possibly into me. As I have no intention of cheating on DH, it would make me back away as I would find it inappropriate, but that's the point for me where it may be open to misinterpretation.

I trust him but I think he's a bit naive. He's mentioned in the past that he has been a bit naive. Over the years he's told me about various things. For instance, I know about a woman's marriage breakdown, via him, I've never even me the woman. Women seem to find him easy to confide in.
He will help men out too, I should say. This isn't a gender thing.
Yeah he definitely does his fair share at home. He's not neglecting me for the sake of helping others!

Depends what form that help takes. Eg me and a make colleague will sometimes give one another a lift home depending who has their car that day. Both happily married, no consideration that it would be anything other than a colleague giving another colleague a lift.

But if I then found out that he drives an hour in the wrong direction purely to give me a lift home, then I'd see it as crossing the line, possibly he thinks there's more to it.

So without knowing the level of help....

DH can be a bit like this, blind to how he could be attractive to others, also very helpful by nature, tall fairly attractive in a MH caring type profession, very hands on dad, which women with low bars practically worship. I've seen him get flirted with at various nursery/DS related events and he's just oblivious, I get all the misogynistic comments like oh you're so lucky he doesn't mind doing washing/babysitting (his own child!!). My standard response is he has a penis not a significant brain injury.

Ultimately it doesn't matter, as long as he is trustworthy. An ex mutual friend made a pass at him by text after he helped her when her fence came down in a storm. She has young DC and a dog, and didn't have the money to replace immediately so he did a for now repair job. As soon as the text came through he was gobsmacked showed me and sent a very clear message back saying she had clearly misread him helping her out, and one of the reasons he had was he had thought she was a friend of mine!

I’m single and have had MM offer to help me out with stuff plenty of times (giving me lifts, moving stuff etc). I can tell those genuinely trying to help from sleazy fuckers a mile off.

what do you mean by risky? Risky for who?

Difficult for me to know the level of help either, just getting the sense he might be being 'pestered' although not sure that's the right word.
I think he's allowed himself to be a shoulder to cry on in the past, but I couldn't tell you with who, as he's told me about several situations of women over the years where they've had their own relationship problems, problems with their children, etc.
I know he has on occasion sent flowers and chocolates to women to cheer them up, but he has told me he's done that. Likewise, he has done things or bought things for his mates (not flowers and chocolates!) to be nice if they're going through rough times.

Have you considered mentionitis?

There's been threads by a woman uncomfortable with her husband giving lifts to a female colleague. They were in a rural area and it was late at night. The consensus if I recall correctly was that he was being helpful if it was on his way or if he was responsible eg he is her boss and made her stay behind and miss the bus or something like that.

Generally, if a man is singling you out for favours, going exceptionally out of his way at his own inconvenience to help in something that others could help you with or spending such a high amount on a personal gift, in addition to helping you he also gazes into your eyes unnecessarily, he gives you compliments on your appearance when he isn't the type to compliment everyone, acts jealous when other guys help you.

It really is situation specific and there are also elements of culture. I may do more for a foreign colleague new in the country than someone who's always been here for example. I might help a young adult more than someone middle aged if they needed career help... just hard to say without knowing the details as even when I'm typing them I can think of exceptions and other circumstances that conflict with my own example so it's tricky to generalise... I think you feel like they are going beyond for you and for no obvious reason, eg you don't have something they can benefit back from you, they don't owe you for anything done previously... it just seems over the top.

Yes, I don't really think that's happened (unless he's fallen for several women, which I don't believe is the case). I think he mentions the conversations simply in the normal course of events.

So are your concerns that he might be inadvertently giving the impression that he is interested? Initially I thought you were the one receiving favours from a MM and wanted to know if it was more than platonic friendship??

No, I'm not the one receiving favours from a MM!
I was wondering what would make a person think he might be interested in them, but I know it's a stupid question since we're all different, as your previous post highlights.
For me, unless a guy were to try to kiss me, I assume that they're being friendly. (I'm not suggesting he's tried to kiss anyone BTW). For others, I wonder if it's a much lesser bar than that?

Also, he's the type to avoid confrontation. If someone is making demands on him, rather than tell the person 'no', he'll find other ways, such as making out he's unavailable.

If it's making you worry then something isn't quite right.

Helping lots of people and buy multiple women flowers and chocolates sounds unusual to me.

<My standard response is he has a penis not a significant brain injury>

Snortle!

If a MM regularly helped me with my gym training free of charge and we had 'matey' type conversations, then I wouldn't think he was hitting on me.
If same MM bought me flowers, then I would think he was interested unless I'd just told him about a personal issue, such as my dog dying.
However, I know women that think a MM is hitting on them if MM so much as holds a door open for them.
It very much depends on the woman. Not all men realise that women vary enormously in their interpretations and this is where an issue can arise.
Generally, where a naturally friendly and giving person (I call them the 'northern' types) meets a more reserved and suspicious person (I call them the 'southern' types) there can be massive misunderstanding. That previous paragraph was tongue in cheek before anyone misunderstands 😁

Me personally I would think the guy might be interested if he has gone over the top in his gesture (something that took so much effort, time or expense when he was under no obligation to do it) or if he is only nice to me (singles me out with favours). If he is a known nice guy who helps everyone, then I wouldn't read anything further into it.

If I had no idea how he is with others and so couldn't compare if he really is like this I would see if he mentions his wife or girlfriend eg: My wife recommended this florist or helped me pick them or my wife used to work late and she told me how uncomfortable it made her walking home late. Like if he is making her present and links back to her when he does something nice. If he speaks about his partner affectionately and positively I would think he is just friendly and happy with his Mrs. But if he is giving me the eyes, doesn't mention his Mrs or moans about her, if he gets awkward or nervous around me or steals glances all the times and stuff like that that the body gives away in attraction would make me think hmmm.

I think that men tend to misinterpret niceness from women as sexual or romantic interest whereas women are less likely to read into it. I think women second guess themselves a lot when it comes to attraction and are more used to friendly, kind platonic gestures and exchanges.