Disconnected in the wake of DC2s arrival

[k80pie]

Hi, just wondering if anyone went through similar - we are in the parenting trenches right now with a 5 week old and our 4.5y DS1. We are both shattered, and when he is tired he tends to withdraw and seek solitude to recharge whereas I tend to seek connection and cuddles/reassurance.

This happened after the birth of DS1 and so it’s no surprise really, though I had brought it up with him months ago in advance; knowing I’d like to meet in the middle more.

He gives 100% to parenting, is a really equal partner in terms of division of labour (probably does more housework than me). It’s just there isn’t anything left for me when things get tough and exhausting.

Anyone had this experience and did you just wait it out (as in, this is just normal in the wake of a newborn) or is it something that needs to be properly addressed?

ps. I read peoples posts on here saying they spent evenings on the couch while baby was feeding, eating nice food and watching Netflix. That is not our experience. Baby usually needs settling in evening, lots of pacing, dark rooms, white noise, then going to bed exhausted. Other parent has finished putting DS to bed and tags in. Separate bedrooms so he gets some sleep.

I should add - I mean that he is just a bit distant, always tired, no real checking in with me to see how I am (probably rightly just assumes I’m shattered). But I see the point in talking about it, comforting each other, commiserating together. He doesn’t.

Congratulations on your new baby
I'm afraid I'm with your dh on this one. I wouldn't want to feel exhausted then sit around discussing how exhausted I feel. I'd end up being more stressed by going over it. Maybe don't try to meet in the middle, be very direct. If someone said I needed to try harder, I wouldn't really know what that means other than try to do what you want you me do, which is at odds with what I wanted. . Ask for a hug or start the conversation.

Hi @Everydaywheniwakeup , it just feels like we’re miserable ships in the night though - flatmates looking after children - no warm relationship stuff or comfort. Is that really how it has to be? Some effort is surely reasonable. A little would go a bloody long way right now.

Hiya,

Congrats on DC2!

My DD is 5 months, and me & DH struggled at first with trying to keep the relationship strong as well as now falling into our "mum/dad" roles.

We too spoke about this a lot before DD was born and said how we both need to make effort etc, and to be fair to my OH it's not that he doesn't try, it's more that we just don't have much of a chance with DD because when we finally get to sit and have a cuddle, she wakes up or she wants feeding etc.

However, my DH began to get quite distant and low and after trying to talk to him it kinda blew up and to cut a long story short, he admitted he wasn't feeling great and was struggling with adapting to the new normal of work/being dad/being husband so as much as it is very normal to have this kinda rough patch almost with a newborn, I would definitely try and see if he's got anything else going on.

And try and remind him you're a team, and try and stick together. Again, I know it's hard, and it will get better. How was the relationship after the newborn stage of DC1?

I was also meant to add, I know exactly how you feel as it made me feel really shitty as as though our relationship was failing because we hadn't been close for weeks. It also didn't help my self esteem, that aswell as living in adult nappies for the first weeks!!

It really does make it feel better just to have that cuddle or hand hold but you have to make the effort and make time, and for me, communication is a huge factor!

Hope you're ok OP!

My husband was the one who wanted all the cuddles and I really didn't. I can understand your husbands position on this.

As for commiserating, a brief 'god this is so shit but we're in it together' is fine. But having a long drawn out conversation about it, not so much!

Thank you @Girlmumma1 , you really get it! Yeah I think he is a bit low in general, for a few reasons…same reasons as me though (we moved towns earlier in the year). Our relationship did get way better gradually after DS1 and eventually we got there - not perfect but whose relationship is! Challenge will be greater this time because there’ll be less breaks. We are both people who value alone time, rest and sleep, so two children was always going to be tough.

And ugh yeah, only just ditched the adult nappies, but still got the leaking breast pads, niggly episiotomy stitches, night feeds etc etc to contend with! Self esteem could use all the lovin it can get!

Hey @MontyK , think maybe I’ve given the wrong idea - definitely not keen on long drawn out conversations - just want to be able to say ‘god what a shit day’ and have a lovely cuddle (doesn’t have to take more than one minute) and a smile and a kiss. Or yeah just some words of solidarity. Some sort of display of caring - I feel like we each deserve to feel loved and cared for after giving endlessly to children all day.

I'm on the same boat, 5 week old and 2.5 year old. Feels like we are parenting a child each at night, DH taking care of DS while I bf and meet DD needs. We barely have time to ask how each other's day is.

It's tough but hopefully temporary.

Your DH is an introvert I suspect and as such he likely really does need alone time to recharge. I'm an introvert too and it is exactly the same for me. The key to it is to put some together time in the schedule rather than just hoping it will happen. That requires some regular and honest communication about both of your needs, do you discuss this regularly?

I am similar to you H. And for me - what you are saying you want him to do - commiserate, make sure to hug/kiss you,
etc - would mean adding to the long ‘to do’ list when I am already exhausted and needing to lay down in a dark quiet room in silence. Because - while YOU may need these things after the parenting drenches of newborn and a 5yo - HE needs something completely different. And to top it all - you want HIM to make the effort, thus adding to HIS load.

(Not sure it’s entirely fair, or if he even has any spare capacity to take up caring of you. I presume you are on maternity leave and he works, in addition to carrying his share of parenting load?)

I found going from 1 to 2 kids extraordinary difficult, on many dimensions. You are at the early stages, still just getting used to it all. It does get better, and will be worth it. You just need to survive this phase.

Look - it’s always difficult when people have different preferences and likes. So - as non-huggy/non-venting person - I always think the best way to get hugs (if that is what you need) is to actually give hugs. I’ll hug you back. And - don’t expect me to vent - but I’ll listen to you when you need to.

Thanks everyone. I’m also an introvert who recharges alone. I feel a bit misunderstood really - I’m wanting very little, just for him to demonstrate he cares. Just a couple of words. Rather than ‘okay I’m going to bed’ and literally walking past me to bed.

@k80pie

Have you tried modelling the behaviour you want from him?
As this is the best way to get someone to change how they are around you.
If you start giving him a quick hug, telling him something nice as the day ends, he will hopefully start doing it as well. Eventually.

I know that it’s how it works for me. If something isn’t natural to me - this is really the best way to get me to try to modify how I am.

@MMmomDD Yes. The last hug I gave him yesterday he literally started squirming to get away. And for those who asked if we’ve discussed it, yes. He is well aware.

I’m all for respecting people’s needs/space etc but I would have thought a basic level of kindness/caring was a reasonable expectation in a relationship. Especially when such things generally resume at the same time sex resumes. Until then, I’m just a ship in the night to walk past.

@k80pie

I am sorry, you wont like what I am going to say. But, I think it’s important for you to hear.

It is not right to force physical contact on anyone who isn’t comfortable with it.
The fact that he is your husband doesn’t make it right to do so. You can’t put your need for physical interaction/contact/touch above his need to not be touched at that particular moment.
To me this isn’t different to men pestering women for sex (because they need it), when women are too tired, too touched out by babies, etc and do not feel like sex.
The advice in those situations is that men need to self care if their partners aren’t feeling up to it.
I think this applies to you in this situation. you need to find ways to self care and not ask more of your clearly exhausted partner. He is already doing all he can for the kids, and simply doesn’t have bandwidth to care for you on top of that.
This is the basic level of kindness/caring that you need to give him. As in - not force him into something he isn’t ready for yet.
As you said - intimacy has returned after the first child - after a while. So - yes, you need to wait until he is ready.

After my 2nd - I was out of it for a long time. It was so hard, it drove me to PND. If my H tried to hug me at the time, or expect/ask/demand anything relationship-wise at the time - I think I’d just ignore him and keep walking. Not because I didn’t care about him - but because I was so deadly tired all the time that the only thing I needed was silence and sleep. My basic physiological needs weren’t being met, so it felt like a matter of survival.

Good news is that this doesn’t last forever.
Also - if you can afford help - now is the time to use it.

Yes I do get it! It's so difficult. And I think a lot of people here are misunderstanding what you mean. It's not that you need him to "care" for you or "give you more" you just need to know that you're in it together and a quick hug or kiss on the way past or on the way to bed, makes a huge difference. Makes you know you're still a strong couple, not just flat mates!!

It also doesn't help when you start over thinking it all!

Hope you're ok!

Also - I completely get what others are saying regarding him not wanting to be touchy/cuddly etc but it's not about that. It's just that acknowledgement. The simple things just for that reassurance of you know you're both ok.

When your partner becomes distant it makes you worry you've done something wrong, and can make you over think, which doesn't help when you have the added pressure of parenthood!

And again, I completely appreciate everyone's different and everyone has their own ways of coping, but when you're meant to be a team it's about communicating and making sure you're both feeling supported. So even though a few people are saying that you shouldn't expect him to then care for you or meet your needs etc, it's not solely about that at all, it's about letting you know that he's in this with you and that you're not alone!

I do really get it, and I know it's hard. And I also appreciate the reasons for others responses even though I think there's a slight miss-understanding with some of it, that you're not expecting him to give you every ounce of energy he has left after a day with the DC, just a simple smile/cuddle/peck on the cheek would go a long way. And that's not a matter of needing more from him, that's just how a relationship should work, supporting each other.

He is with her and is part of the team. Doing his fair share - and possibly more - as OP has said herself. And, I am guessing, he is also working to support the family.

It is possible to be drained so much that a simple ‘smile/cuddle/peck’ is really beyond what is possible. He clearly did NOT want to be touched when he recoiled from her hug.
Saying that he should want to be touched because it’s normal in a relationship to reassure OP feels wrong. It certainly minimised his feelings.

He has a right to feel and cope the way that works for him. And OP knows that this is her H’s normal way of dealing with the pressures of early days with a baby.

OP - is there a reason you feel insecure in this relationship? And in need of extra reassurance? It is a bit irrational really. Kids’ needs at this point take priority. Than your individual survival needs. Relationship needs are at the bottom of the list.
For now at least. And you need to make peace with that or you’ll get progressively unhappy.

@Girlmumma1 Thanks so much for your understanding, I really appreciate your replies. That is exactly it - a simple acknowledgement that our relationship is strong and we can do this!

To the other replies, thanks for comparing me to a sex pest and asking why I’m so insecure at a clearly vulnerable time. Didn’t really need any of that.

I appreciate where you're coming from, and I totally agree that it's not right to for anything onto the other when they're not happy to be touched/want space. But that's really not what I'm getting at, maybe it's harder to explain, but it's hard work when babies come into the relationship and you should both be able to feel secure and know you're part of a team. And its coming across that the OH is shutting off, which could be part of a bigger problem if he's struggling more deeply that just "his way of coping"

And on the flip side, if he should just be left alone and left to deal with it how he wants to, why is is ok for OPs feelings to then not matter? If her coping is needing just a smile/nod from her own husband, why is it ok for that to be informed because he needs space.

I get what you're saying, I really do, but I also don't think you're getting what OH means. And if that's how you feel about relationships being the bottom of the priority list then that's what works for you, but I personally find that I like to keep my marriage and equal priority, and communicate with my DH so that we're not dealing with relationship issues on top of parent hood. But that's just how I feel, and that's just as valid as your feelings about your relationship/dealing with things etc.

That's ok. I do get it, but I think it's hard to explain without people jumping to conclusions about all sorts. It's difficult. If it helps, it does get better. And as I say, communication is a huge part of it for us.

I totally get that there's a time and a place and when you're both dealing with DCs at night etc isn't ideal, but maybe try and pick a time to have a chat and talk
To him and also check in with him to make sure he's ok, as well as telling him how you feel in more depth maybe as I know you mentioned he's aware, but he may be in his own little bubble. That was just my experience and DH then ended up letting it all out about how he's struggling with the new normal etc like I said previously, but that is just my experience! I know people Like to also jump down you're neck and say "just cos you had that doesn't mean OPs the same!🙄"

I'm not sure you can message on the app but feel free to DM me if you need to chat!