How to focus on the positives

[openinggambit]

I'm in a long marriage that I would prefer to keep going for a number of reasons. Not much intimacy, sleep apart, but have common interests, have a laugh most days and no interest in pursuing a new relationship.

Unfortunately, despite the fact that my husband is a perfectly decent human being and we rarely argue as such, he gets on my nerves an extraordinarily amount. Little things just niggle at me constantly, from the way he eats, the way he fidgets while watching tv, the fact he puts things in the cutlery drawer upside down. The list is endless.

Why am I so tuned in to all these little things? Lockdown didn't help us, we both switched to fully remote working so we are both at home all the time. I try and go out as often as possible (not out partying, just seeing friends for coffee, walks etc) just for a change of scenery but when I'm at home with him it drives me nuts.

I just want to be able to ignore these irritations and focus on the good things about him! But how??

What I do when I find myself being irritated by the small things my husband does, I imagine me on my own without him and think if I didn't have these niggles, it would mean I also wouldn't have my husband which doesn't bear thinking about. It really helps me put it into perspective.
A bit like cat fluff everywhere- really fucking annoying but no cat fluff means no cat that I love very much so I put up with it and you learn to let these things go so you don't really notice as much.
Cat and husband are still very annoying sometimes though...

You sound like you love your husband though.

I don't think I do, but I would still prefer to ignore all the annoyances for the benefit of my own mental health. When he goes away I love being on my own for a while (I do feel guilty for this)

I read somewhere once the it's not hatred that kills a relationship it's irritation.

I think lockdowns exacerbated any irritations for couples used to being out all day at work suddenly at home together particularly if space is limited.

Try and do things that you both enjoy doing together is my only suggestion (the cutlery thing would annoy me though LOL)

Lol I could have written this post!

We eat in different rooms as his table manners are appalling.

We sit on separate sofas and sometimes I have to angle myself away from him so he's not in my line of sight if he's up to 'something irritating'

The cutlery thing equivalent, depending on my mood, will either be

*deep breath, sort it and be thankful for my lovely kitchen

*mutter expletives under my breath at a low level if he's in the house

*shout expletives until my head hurts if no ones home (this is my least favourite as it makes me feel crazy, I don't like being angry, and it hurts my head)

*eye roll without being seen / berate him inside your head unless you're looking for an argument

Plus continue / ramp up your strategy of fun activities / friends without him and really value any spare alone time you get at home if he ever goes out (which I hope is more often than mine!!)

I seem to spend all day seething and muttering expletives under my breath though, it can't be healthy for my mental state 😬