Long distance relationship when to call it quits

[Raver84]

I'm really confused as to what to do. Met a lovely man OLD in August. We got on brilliantly straight away and have been seeing each other since. Things are good when together. We make each other happy, laugh together, do fun things, care for each other, all good. When we are together it's 100 per cent brilliant.

But, there is a 2 hour drive between us. When we met I wasn't looking for anything serious and neither was he so wasn't an issue. However as times gone on and feelings have deepened I'm now struggling with not seeing each other often. We see each other 2 times per week.

We are both divorced, me 3 years and him longer. We've both dated a bit since our marriages and this is the first person I have loved since my husband, though I've had other more casual relationships. I was married 16 years.

In all honesty it's not working for me, right now I'm in bed ill and I'm tired of not having the day to day care like a hug or a cup of coffee together, unless it planned in advance. It's not just when I'm ill I feel like this and it's not about wanting to be looked after, I've been living just me and the kids for 3 years so I've got that, it's just those every day kindnesses I'm lacking in this relationship.

He will not move from where he is he has 2 grown up children and is happy and settled and has been clear about that. My house is for sale and I'm looking to relocate for work, again will be about 1 5 hours from him, albeit in a different direction. We are no where near moving in together it I can't see me having the energy to keep this going until we get nearer that point. It feels like I'm Putting in a lot of work messaging or talking in each evening but missing out on watching a movie or sharing a take away. Basically I'm still here on my own. I do enjoy being single. This relationship just feels half in half out and it really confusing.

Ive thought for a while this may have run its course. We both love each other but essentially I want more. Should I continue things and see how it goes, enjoy it for what it is? Or do we let each other go now and I move on? We are at different life stages, time has shown me that. My children are school age still.

Anyone else been here? What did you do? Thanks so much.

I think its time to be honest with yourself and admit that actually, you do want something serious. However, he's not the guy to be trying that with. He just doesn't fit with your life. He was OK for casual,but now you've got the feels, it's probably time to duck out before you get hurt.
You've only been in this about 3 months, it's more likely infatuation than love. I doubt you know him well enough in that time and you're still in the honeymoon phase as not experienced the day to day yet. At the moment he seems wonderful and perfect in himself, but the situation is making you miserable.
Take a bit of time to get over him and then try dating with an aim of realistic progression, rather than casual. It's always going to be a pain to date someone so far away when your DC are young. Why set such a big catchment area? 30-50 miles is more that enough. But tbh, I prefer less than that, even with a casual thing as the less effort with casual the better, so I don't get why anyone seeks long distance on purpose, unless its so you can see others without people knowing.

I don’t think twice a week is too bad to be seeing each other. Given you’re only 3 months in. But obviously you’re looking for more than that. I have just started dating someone and whilst we live fairly close (30 mins drive) he’s a full time single dad so it’s going to be tricky getting more than 1 date a week I reckon. But I’m a fairly independent person, lots of friends. I’m hoping that works for me as I certainly don’t want to get into meeting kids etc for a long time (if it gets to that stage, early days). I can understand though why you want more, when you’re first dating / get into a relationship with someone you do want to see someone all the time, but that’s not always the best thing long term. Your choice I guess, whether you feel strongly enough about him to make it work

It’s interesting to read your post. I am one year into a long distance relationship. We are both two years out of long relationships. I have a son with SEN and when we met (by accident) I did not think it was possible for me to have any relationship at all. It was completely unexpected that this carried on - he’s over 3 hours away.

We also have no prospect of moving closer or moving in together. I have had periods of angst about what I am doing. However as time goes on I am more and more content in what we have. Our time together, a few days every 2-3 weeks, is amazing and all-encompassing. We don’t speak every day, maybe for an hour a couple of times a week. Texts most days. Sometimes we watch tv series “together” at night and talk afterwards. I trust him completely to be faith fail and he he more than happy work the part time situation - it suits his busy life too.

I’m not in a position to live with anyone for many years, because of my son’s needs. I think this is a good long-term relationship for me. It’s romantic, brings excitement, a sense of self. It doesn’t provide everything a more traditional relationship does - the daily care, the primary support person. I don’t go to him for all my problems, far from it - he doesn’t understand the daily grind of caring for my son, I like to keep him a bit separate, I go to friends and family in times of emotional stress about my son.

I’m reading Stepping off the Relationship Escalator, which is very thought provoking in my situation. There are many forms of valuable relationships, not just the traditional one where the measure of success is moving in/blending lives etc.

I am 48, he’s 51. Different ages and stages - I never expected to end up here, but I’m happy with where I have found myself.

Only you will eventually know what feels right. Three months is early - who knows.

Thank you for replying. I think your both right, I'm prob wanting something more serious. Though I'd love it to be with him I think it's unlikely without significant changes for us both in the future.

The search radius thing is interesting mine is set to 25 miles and his was to 30. Perhaps we were both working in Londo on the day we matched. I didn't read his profile prooey just messaged a couple of time and arranged a date. I know next time I will be more focused on location.

People must be very strong to make LDR work long term. I suppose the situation just isn't working for me anymore.

Thanks for your reply @Rockingchai i totally see how that relationship works well for you. Its great your happy with the day to day grind stuff separate. I am too. I have built a great network of support round me and am really good on my own.

And here is the confusing part he & isn't undersnt when I don't tell him my worries or life stuff and I explain it because I've got it on my own. He wants to be part of that but what's the point when there is nothing he can do to support? The more I write this down the more I really how unhappy and confused I am.

I think the only way LDR can work is if you have an exit strategy. Even in the early days, you can make it clear that one of both of you would be happy to move 'for the right person' or you both agree you're content with living separate lives but seeing each other regularly. It's the no vague plan/not knowing/not working toward something which is probably what's frustrating you.

If this is a relationship worth keeping, you could talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you're not looking for 'more' right now (unless you are!!) but neither do you want to hover in-between for years. You're not asking for any kind of commitment, more that if this goes the distance, hypothetically how would he see it working.

His answers/response will tell you what's really going on in his mind. He might be content to stay this way forever. If he is, you need to know that as your needs are different.

I know this is how you feel but it's early days, and he's been clear with you that he's not up for moving, I think just continue as you are, as early days, and just see where it takes you. Look after your heart, and I hope you are feeling better.

This guy has been very clear in his terms, he won't move and obviously that doesn't work for you. If it won't work then why continue?
When I was in a long distance relationship we were between two countries, I was always open to moving , which I did. I spent 2 years in his country and then we decided to move back to my country to start our family and we've been here 18 months and have our house and have gotten married. All in 4 years. But it worked for us.
You don't have to stay in any relationship that isn't working for you

Thanks for all your replies. It's helpful to see other point of view.

There is no exit strategy. He doesn't want to move but does talk about our future a lot, hence the confusion. I don't want to look back in 2 or 3 years and think why did I waste my time with some half in half out.

Being ill isn't helping. My job is changing in January to a more demanding role, I can't see me continuing to keep travelling to see him when that happens. As the moment it's prob me doing 70 per cent of the leg work. In my head this will be probably the natural end. I've had lots of fun, but learnt that this isn't meeting my needs and worse is making me quite down in the process.

You've known this man since August (3 months) and you're already in love and thinking of the future??

Me and my now DH (both 50) started talking online about 8 years ago. We were both divorced and had similar aged children. We lived about 1.5hrs away from each other. We both agreed that our children came first and that any move would have to wait until the youngest was 18. Basically I wasn't prepared to move away from my children or move them away from their Dad and so I couldn't expect him to either. Fast forward 8 years, we made it work and have just got married and moved in together. He moved to my area luckily for me. It wasn't easy. It was a long 8 years but if it's meant to be and you love each other you make it work.

@xfan yes of course its come up in conversations. As I've explained I've casual dated and this has turned serious quite quickly. Hardly unheard of

I'm not sure you do love him.

When you find the right person then cups of tea and takeaways and stuff you mentiin missing out on just aren't what it is about.their character, essence, spirit, personality....just speaking to them makes those sacrifices worth while.

I think you're fond of him but he's not the one.

Tbh it seems to have got serious very quickly considering you do not manage to see each other that often.
Personally I would see how it goes, although you don't say how old you are? Why not just enjoy the 'moment' and see where it does lead?
I am seven months in to a long distance relationship, he works away part of the month. This suits me as I have been divorced and on my own for 10 years, I have become very used to doing my own thing and now find it difficult to have someone around all the time. He is trying to plan our future and I keep reminding him to just enjoy what we have now when we are together.

In all honesty, one or both of you of need to be willing to move. If that's not possible then it sounds like a long term relationship isn't possible. I knew I didn't mind moving when I did OLD

Thank again for your replies. For context I'm 40.

I have made my mind up that this isn't making me happy, being on my own is easier rather than trying to fit something I to my life. No matter what our feelings are or aren't it's not what I need right now and that plus a vague future just isn't working.

I do appreciate all your words and it's given me much to think about. Tha ks x