Advice on contact

[SpinningFloppa]

My ex hasn’t had contact with our children in 2 years, I made a stupid mistake recently by allowing him to talk to them on the phone as he got in contact again recently asking to speak to them. I’ve decided that too much time has passed and I don’t really want to let him back into their lives again after such a long period of absence, it would be like letting a stranger in. I felt that as I have no family or support I stupidly needed him but he doesn’t actually look after them anyway. As I said I feel too much time has passed now and he feels like a stranger. Can I refuse contact? He would never take me to court so I don’t need to worry about that (I should also add this isn’t unusual and he has previously gone a year a few times without seeing them this has just been the longest stretch of time) has anyone had an ex have contact after such much time and did it work out or were they just the same?

You can but he's their parent too and he can take you to court but you said he won't

How old are the dc?

No he definitely would not do that. Children ages between 11 and 5

He’s not a stranger though, he’s their dad and always will be. If he is interested in building a relationship and there are no former issues with abuse etc I wouldn’t try and block the relationship, your kids aren’t going to forget about their dad and even if they’re not overly interested in a relationship with him now they may be in the future. If you have stopped him from seeing them your kids they may hold it against you in the future when their dad still feels like a stranger and they’re wishing they could have seen him more in childhood. If he fails to uphold the relationship himself that’s on him but I wouldn’t get in the way of it yourself unless you felt it was causing your children genuine harm and upset.

I think for me it would come down to when your children ask why dad's not involved can you say hand on heart that you did all you could to facilitate contact even if he didn't take it?

Obviously if he's a threat to the kids etc then you have no obligation to provide any level of access. But I do think it's better for there to be contact if there's no safety issues. It may be that he's flaky and won't turn up etc, that's him showing them who he is and they then may make an informed choice not to see him any further. Its horrible to watch but kids are resilient and it will answer questions for them. But I wouldn't be blocking it because that could come back to bite you if they find out later that he wanted to have contact and you said no just because he felt like a stranger. How else is it going to feel initially if lots of time has passed? It can't become anything else unless you let it and he takes the opportunity. At 11 your eldest would be probably classed as gillick competent in a court anyway and given the option so I'd ask them if they want to see and speak to their dad in as neutral way as you can. The 5 year old you'll need to make a call for.

I know he is their father but he hasn’t bothered with them in 2 years! Some father, why does he get the just walk back in? It’s not a one off I have given him many chances, he is a stranger to my 5 year old as she has no memory of him at all, yes I did all I can I even let him have contact in my house but he would fall asleep on my sofa, 2 years is a long time to have no contact at all.

What is going on with him? What is his lifestyle like? Drugs? Alcohol? I'd be very wary of allowing him back into their lives.

No not drugs or alcohol but he does have MH problems. He broke up with me when I was pregnant and didn’t see my youngest till she was 1, when she was 1 he came back saw them for a few months then went again. He came back again when she was 2 saw them once and then told me actually he doesn’t want see them anymore and went again. Again came back during lock down, saw them at my house but didn’t like it when I told him he could no longer have them at my house ( was only allowing it during lock down) so he went again, he just made up excuses not to see them anymore until it fizzled out, he then made arrangements to come down on the youngest birthday and just didn’t show up (no call no text nothing) that’s the last he was suppose to see them. So there is a long history of this behaviour. It’s been 2 years now and it feels like a long time has passed and I don’t really want to open the situation up again.

He will always be their father, and they have a right to have contact with him however much you worry they will be upset by contact with him, and however poor a job he makes of parenting them (short of abuse, of course).

How would you feel in the future if your child said "I wish I'd see more of my dad when I was a child" and you know you'd prevented that happening?

Well these comments are very different to what I’ve had previously as I was told on my last thread not to let him back unless he takes me to court to prove he is serious, so how many times should I keep letting him walk in and out? Whenever he feels like it? Endless? Is this not damaging them?

Why would it be damaging? Its obviously nothing like as good as having a stable, constant, supportive father around - but it isn't all or nothing.
It COULD be a nice treat for them to see him, however sporadically, if he really wants to spend time with them (which he appears to do, on occasion).
It's very important that you don't try and turn them against him, however negative you feel about him. They'll learn in their own time what he is like. They must have the chance to make their own relationship with him if possible, as each child is as much part of him as they are of you.

A father that goes years without seeing their kids then pops up and sees them once and disappears for a year isnt damaging wow really? You don’t think the constant rejection is damaging them? I was told on my last thread this is worse than a father that never has contact at all, most people say an inconsistent father is worse than an absent one. I have to pick up the pieces every time he disappears yes it is damaging to constantly drop your kids for years at a time it’s a constant rejection. Can’t believe I’m being told this isn’t damaging,

I completely disagree with the posters who are very naively saying that you should just let this man turn up whenever he decides to see his children. I don't think that the posters who are advocating for this have any real idea about the massive impact that this has on children. You are acting protectively and being a good parent by not allowing this to happen. You have given the children's father more than enough opportunities to have a consistent relationship with his children, and sadly he has not committed to them. There is a lot of readily available research which supports your decision. The court would support your decision too (but the fact that you know that he wouldn't bother says it all)

I don't even know where to start with this absolutely ridiculous post. Is this a joke post? A. Nice. Treat.

That post has really shocked me. Yes it’s a real treat for my ex to give my kids scraps when he can be bothered with them, it’s not damaging to a child for a father to constantly keep dropping them? He didn’t see my youngest till she was 1 years old, he then saw them for a few months and then disappeared came back after a year and then saw them ONCE then said to me he doesn’t want to see them anymore? What fun treat for the kids who are confused and upset about why their father keeps abandoning them repeatedly not damaging at all 😏 my son asked me if it’s too late to get a new dad, you think this doesn’t affect them? He didn’t even “treat” them when he did see them he wouldn’t take them anywhere he asked me for suggestions on places to take them and everywhere I suggested was “too far”

I don’t think it’s right that you decide to withdraw contact with their own father as you’ve changed your mind. They aren’t pawns in a game, this is their future. If he’s going to let them down constantly fair enough, but give him a chance

The point here is what is in the best interests of the child. Legally, I think yes, if you decide it is not in your children’s best interests to have contact with their father because he is not consistent and lets them down, then he would have to take you to court to get contact. That would require him to put in the effort to do that, and it would be very stressful for you if he did. So be glad he is not.

The other point is, however, that he is their father and he is the only one they have got. It is too late to get a new one and your job now is to support your DC to accept that this is the father they have, who is flawed and inconsistent, possibly as you say from mental health issues. Does this mean that he should not have contact? The question here is what do the DC think, not you? They too know his behaviour. If they want to still see him, sporadically rather than not at all, then it falls to you to allow that. At least they know who their father is.

But it’s ok for him to withdraw contact because he’s changed his mind? 3 times? So how many times does he get to decide if he wants to see them or not?

My children aren’t bothered either way, they only seem to want to ask him for money, they haven’t asked to see him and I have let them know that before any contact takes place he needs to be consistent with messages first as I’m not just going to let him in to see them again only for him to disappear again in a few months when he is bored like every single time.

Then I think you need to be consistent too in this

From a parent who's children don't see their father (for safety reasons). What I would say is that at this point it's all about "damage limitation". There is no perfect out come. I would argue that seeing your child add hock and leaving them distressed is actually emotional abuse and possibly neglect.
At least with no contact it is consistent, the children know where they stand and it's consistent.
I think if he was seeing them add hock and it wasn't having a negative effect on them I would continue with it. The reason being that there is no major mystery regarding their father. They know what he's like and are ok with it. Rather than restricting contact and then the kids having a massive hang up and possibly looking for him when their older. It's like managing the situation.
What I would say is that your not going to get the perfect out come. He will always be a rubbish parent. But what you have to decide is if bring a rubbish parent is better than being an absent one.

Other people clearly haven't been on the receiving end of just a sperm donor.

Your kids are not experiments that can work around your ex's schedule of being a proper dad or not. While they are little and don't understand as much he can be casually forgotten. If he was reliable and actually cared about messing them about I would totally not say this! How can a kid understand and cope with the inconsistency? The fact you can't rely on him to honour his word is impossible for you to work with? I had a friend in this exact position she kept giving the ex benefit of the doubt one day her child was on a street corner bag packed waiting to be picked up for a weekend away...... it never happened!! That would make me want to run the fucker over if I saw him. It's not about power, control and games. It's about making the best call for your kids. You don't owe him anything. If he has been hands on or at least communicated this would be a totally different scenario. He doesn't deserve your kids and he made it like that. When the kids are older you can explain they are welcome to track their dad down but you can prepare them better that they won't necessarily get the relationship they imagine or hope for.

My ex sees my kids as and when he wants, when we split he was shit for a few months, i then gave an ultimatum. See / speak to the kids with some regularity or just completely butt out. He stepped up and it's worked for 17 years. He has cancelled on them but he would ring, let us know and re schedule. Which is absolutely reasonable and my boys understood.

In your case how do you explain no shows to little ones? Keep making lies up?

For me and my siblings inconsistency was much more damaging than absence.

I'm not sure that saying inconsistent parenting isn't damaging is really fair, of course that will have an impact on any child. But I do think that having an absent parent can also be damaging for any child. And which is worse? I think that unfortunately comes down to the child and how they process that experience which really gives you no clear answer op. You're between a rock and a hard place. I work with kids who have a lot of this in their family backgrounds and the majority of them find the process of having a parent who cancels contact very hard but they do generally grow to accept it, whereas those who have absent parents are usually the ones left wondering with questions they aren't sure how to ask. And the rubbish bit is that really leaves you to fill that gap and try to explain their dad's behaviour in a way that they can understand without making him out to be the villain because while you may (understandably) think he's a tosser, that can be really upsetting for a child and make them feel like they can't speak to you about it or wish he was more involved without feeling like they're being disloyal.

I'm wondering if there's a middle ground where you could allow contact but under very clear agreements. For eg you can meet at a park or public place but he must text you and confirm that he's going to be there an hour before so you aren't telling the kids and then him not turn up. Or he needs to have x amounts of meetings with you first to agree boundaries for contact to prove that he can be reliable and turn up. Or if his mh is poor and he struggles with routine could he meet you after a mh appointment if he's good at attending those to give it more structure. It doesn't sound like he'd take it as far as court but have you spoken with your kids about his mh and how it affects him and how able he is to parent?