Realised today it's over

[Betteroffalone88]

16 year relationship (12 years married) has been on the rocks for a while but today I realised its over. Here's what tipped me over the edge

Had to cancel a planned work trip to a customer site as we have no heating and an engineer needed to come out. Trip had been planned for a while and I can wfh but this was an in person visit that he knew was important to my job. So i will not be in the good books for not going. No offer of him taking a day off to sort anything even tho he has tons of annual leave to use by the end of the year and his boss would have said yes

He moaned that he no clean clothes or underwear (which is true as we're struggling to dry it) so worked through 4 loads today and gave in and used the tumble dryer. Moaned because I haven't put it all away yet because I was working! And then said when I do it will all be wrong anyway.

Called me a bad parent as I said I don't think an 18 month old will understand time out yet. When I said this he accused me of call our child stupid (I did not mean this in the slightest I just meant developmentally they may not understand)

Moaned I left the microwave door open slightly after doing my lunch and then having to answer a call

Didn't put the cups away properly after emptying the dishwasher

These may seem like petty things but after years of constant belittling, being shouted at, told I'm useless at everything I am done. I can't deal with this anymore

Yep, reading your posts I totally agree with you. Time's up on this one.

And you sound completely competent and functioning - so the question is, what's the plan, and how can mumsnetters help you put it into swiftest action?

You mention an 18 month old and then children - how many and what ages OP?
What's the housing situation, bought, rented, can you afford the mortgage on your own etc?
You are fabulous, how dare he suggest you're a bad mother.

We have 2 children. 18 months and nearly 7.

House is mortgaged, no way I could afford it on my own with nursery fees etc so would have to downsize etc

I have a good job, its stressful but I'm good at it and well respected and up for a payrise soon so that would help

Tried to talk to him today and he's shut me down. He said he won't talk until I change or sees changes (ie I do things his way)

I don't want to do things his way. I don't want to leave my 18 month old crying on a step because he doesn't understand why. I don't want to not be allowed to pick me child up if he wants to be.

If he's a soccer fan, OP, he's not going to want them at the weekends. Don't worry about that now, focus on how you're going to get out or get him out.

Get some legal advice on your situation so that you know exactly where you stand. I would start preparing now — putting some money aside somewhere he can't find it (possibly with family or a trustworthy friend). Who is there around you who can help support you through this? It sounds very much as if he left the family some time ago.

Is there a way you could record some of these abusive conversations?

Just leave OP, this sounds torturous. In a very short amount of time you could be sitting in your home, with your little ones tucked up safely in bed with no bellend dictating to you what you do and how you do it. Good luck, this is the first step on your road to happiness.

He works nights and is a football fan. Hhe won't want 50: 50.

Get those ducks under your control and do this in your time frame. If he has burned his bridges with you then so be it. That is your choice, your decision to make.

Best of luck working through it.

Nothing to say but I'm a lone parent and we're happy. I have 100% control over everything. I could NEVER live like this! Your worth more

Please leave the difference betweeen this Christmas and last is huge for me last year I didn’t care knew it would be more grumpiness and being dragged down. As others have said he won’t allow parenting to mess up his weekends please leave it will destroy you mentally if you stay. Hugs.

You're going to feel as free as a bird once you're away from him OP! It will probably take you a while to forget you don't have to walk on eggshells, but when you do you'll be living your best live while he buries himself in his negative thoughts

Tried to talk to him today and he's shut me down. He said he won't talk until I change or sees changes (ie I do things his way)
I don't want to do things his way. I don't want to leave my 18 month old crying on a step because he doesn't understand why. I don't want to not be allowed to pick me child up if he wants to be.

He sounds abusive arse. Glad you’ve made the decision to leave him. You’ll find your life improves immeasurably without him.

I'm doing 50/50 with my Ex, I'd love more but if it's feasible and he wants 50/50 that's probably what will happen. I was heartbroken. But actually I've decided that my time with them will be so wonderful and precious, and I'll try and fill my time without them doing things for me (as well as a few extra shifts!) and looking after myself. It's hard, but many do it, and the kids so far are doing fine (mine are 4 and 6). X

He sounds unreasonable and selfish, also very ignorant concerning your poor baby. I would never treat my 19 month old that way. They have a while to go before that is even remotely appropriate and even then I won't be doing it because it is cruel, there is no such thing as naughty at that age.

Good luck you have made the right decision. I wish I could do the same. I have just been screamed at for putting the duvet cover back on damp.

It wasn't damp but just felt slightly cold from being outside, it will heat up anyway once the electric blanket is on. I can relate.