I think my friend is asking too much from me

[thewinterqueen]

I have a great friend who I've known for 6 years. In the last two years, she has been asking me to take her son to college a few days a week. It started off as a 1 time thing, but now its become all the time. I find it quite sttressful, cos the son is never ready on time, and it makes me run late for everything ive got to do. I've been sick in the past, and she still expected me to do the run. She did it today and was ranting about how she was running late and how he wasn't ready. I want to tell her that I cant do it anymore, coz my mental health isnt great and im feeling too much pressure from her, but i know she'll take it personally and get upset. she asked me a few months ago if she was taking the piss, and i wish id said yes, but i didnt want to hurt anyones feelings.

I feel really stuck in a rutt about it. I know she'll take it badly, but I cant help feel taken advantage of. I dont get petrol money, and yes, im goin in that direction, but i feel like i have to plan my week around her son, which is rubbish. Any advice on how to broach without resulting in afallout?

If the son is old enough to be in college then he is old enough to get a bus.

Sorry op, u will literally need to take bull by the horns and say ur really sorry, but you have to stop doing the runs, it's getting too much in the mornings and causing you stress. Or, say u will pick him up at x place instead of home, like a few streets away, and if he is not there u cannot wait. Puts more responsibility back on them both.

You broach it by being direct. You tell her plainly that driving him to college no longer works for you, he is making you late and you will no longer be doing it.

If she has had the advantage of all your help for months then takes umbrage if you can't do it anymore then she is,not your friend ..sorry. She may have been at the start but is taking advantage of you if this was meant to be temporary. You should have told her he is always late when she complained about it. Why should you have the stress of this instead of her? I would be stopping immediately and if she is upset rather than thankful for all you have done so far I would be moving on from this one side 'friendship'

I never got a lift to college ever. I was old enough to get on a bus or train myself at that age.

You either need to bite the bullet and say it stops on X date entirely, or change the arrangement and say you'll be leaving at X time and he needs to be on your doorstep by then or you'll be leaving without him, no exceptions. It depends if you want to cease the agreement entirely (which I would tbh) or to stress less but not pull the plug. If you do continue though, he needs to give you petrol money.

You really need to just suck it up and tell her. Otherwise you’re just going to carry on like this for the next few years. If that’s what you’re ok with doing. Then fine.

but my god I’d of told her months ago that your shifts have changed and you’ve got to stop giving him a lift.

thsts all you’ve got to do. So what if she takes it personally? She’s not that good of a friend if she does is she

What Tidydancer said

Are you driving that way anyway, or do you have to go out of your way?

I don't think YABU at all but would be helpful to know in order to phrase what you're going to say to her.

Personally I would say it's too much of a commitment, a one off in an emergency is fine but he's making you late plus you're working pattern is changing. Things like this are always a nightmare.

You need to stop being a yes woman. I’m working on this myself, it’s not easy but people take advantage and then it’s hard to step back from arrangements that inconvenience ourselves.

So I finally bit the bullet and explained that I could not do this anymore. My friend has gone very quiet on me, and almost stopped all contact. I am quite hurt, because I feel like the friendship was only based on what I was doing for her...

A friendship that ends when you no longer toe the line, isn't a friendship. 💐

This

That's how I feel, which makes me really sad. I hate that the friendship seems to be based on me running her child round.

Because she knows she now has to deal with his nonsense herself, or he'll have to sort himself out. If this is the end of the friendship, you will most likely start to feel relief soon, once it sinks in just how much she used to ask of you

Well if she stops being your friend because you won’t give her son a lift then it wasn’t friendship it was a transaction. That said maybe she feels embarrassed, give her a little time.

She wasn't your friend, just another user.

That was an enormous ask.

All you can do is learn from this.

Most people wouldn't have done that for a week, not a chance.

It was such a huge imposition.
People wouldn't do this for their own children.

Learn from this is all you can do.

Yeh, I agree. I honestly thought I was helping her avoid difficult situations, because shes struggling to make ends meet and working alot, but now I just feel like a mug.

Don't feel like a mug, but feel like a woman who won't be taken for a mug in future.

I think it's really difficult to become aware that a supposed friend didn't really care about you for YOU, but only for what you could do for them. But it's their flaw, not yours. In relationships with other people, we can only govern our own behavior, not the other person's. You stood up for yourself, give yourself a little pat on the back. At least now you're not being used any more. And you should have time to find new friends, with knowledge of what sorts of behavior to avoid.

OP, you put yourself out far beyond what you were comfortable with, and that is the lesson.

Someone who cares about you doesn't ask so much, more than they are prepared to do themselves for THEIR OWN child.

You were unwell and she still insisted.

You are an adult and another adult shouldn't be able to make you do something that stresses you and goes against what you want to do.

For yourself, for your future, don't waste energy beating yourself up, rather promise yourself you will learn from this and never allow it to happen again.

You sound like a lovely person, a friend anyone would be lucky to have.

But you need to strengthen your boundaries.

Don't chase this woman.
That would not be good for your self esteem.

Thank you. I guess it'll just take time x

You guys are so kind. I do have a history of people pleasing, which makes it even trickier. I am glad that I stood up for myself. I'm hoping time will make me see things in a less hurtful light x