Long distance relationship crunch point

[StreamingCervix]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months now in a long distance relationship (3/4hrs journey away.)
For most of the first year I would spend the majority of my weekends visiting him, as well as a large chunk of annual leave through out the year. In the last 4 months I’ve been able to do my work remotely/reduced and have been staying at his place for larger chunks of time, like 2 or 3 weeks consecutively before returning home for a couple of days and then going back up to his city for another longer stint. He’s really enjoyed me being with him more, and he’s made it very clear from quite early in our relationship that he wants me to live with him etc.

the problem I have is that I’m just not a city girl, and I don’t know how/if a compromise can be reached. My job can be relocated to anywhere in the country, and career wise there’s a lot more opportunity for me in his city. His job is tied to where he lives, and he makes 5 times my salary.

I sort of feel like as I’m the one who is putting in most of the effort of doing back and forth, and I’m happy to continue like this then that is a compromise. I think he feels like the relationship is being stunted, and if you love someone you want to be around them as much as possible.

Having started to write this thread I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking for, I think I just wanted to vocalise my feelings as it were and maybe get other peoples advice who have done the long distance, if it worked out or what can be done to help.

There's give and take in any relationship, and quite often one partner needs to make certain sacrifices because it just makes sense to do so, at least for the time being. You can work anywhere, he can't, and it wouldn't make any sense at all for him to give up a well paying job.

You could make plans for the future to move, and agree that he will then make sacrifices for you.

No one gets everything they want all the time.

I was in a similar position with current husband. When we met we both had just bought houses and mine by far was nicer, worth more and in a better area. However, he couldn't move from the area he was in because of his kids. I wanted to be with him so I sold up, found a job in his area and moved. We spent two years there saving up to move. Now we jointly own our forever house in a lovely village but not too far away from the city.

You need to both have a chat about the future and yes one person does at first need to make the greater sacrifice in the view that in the long term it will even out. But don't make the big changes if your relationship isn't what you want. I was utterly determined to be with my partner if you don't feel that way don't make huge changes!

I assume from what you've described that you don't have children to keep you tied where you are now. If not, I'd give it a try for a year or so and see how you feel.

Dh and I lived in different countries for several years early in our relationship. We met working in one country and then when our jobs came to an end, we both went back to our home countries. We'd do similar to you and go for 2-4 weeks at a time to visit each other as work allowed. Eventually we decided that I would be the one to move to live with now dh. Immigration wise, it was simpler and less expensive than for him to move to me. Except I was very much a city girl, I'd lived all over the world in very big bustling cities. Dh grew up on a farm in a very rural part of the UK and wanted to move back there to settle down as no work where he had been living.

I won't lie and say it was a huge adjustment at first. I definitely felt quite lost sometimes those first 6 months as there was no public transport, I couldn't drive as it took time to get a driving license here and we only had one car (which dh needed for work and I worked remotely from home), the culture and way of life was very different. It was definitely a bit of a shock. But it's been 12 years now, we're married, have dc, own a home, and I absolutely love where I live. I still travel to big cities for work and work away a bit, so I still enjoy that lifestyle too, but I'm always so grateful to come home and I couldn't imagine living anywhere else now.

Long story short, if it's a good relationship and you're happy and you have the flexibility to move, I'd give it a try and see how you like it. You may be surprised you enjoy it more than you realise you will. If nothing else, you can both re-evaluate in another year or two and see where you want to live for the longer term.

Thank you all for your responses, it’s good to know it can work out.

he’s a bit older than me and definitely settled in his life, home, career etc. he’s looking into retirement being something in around 10 years time and often talks about relocating then, as he doesn’t see living in the city his end goal as it were.
I think because he’s so established/settled in his life, there’s questions about other compromises. He owns his home mortgage free, but if I’m being entirely honest I don’t love being there. I find it dark with little natural light, and not particularly cosy. I’d love to add umpteen table lamps and soft furnishings etc to make it more to my taste, but then I worry he’s going to think I’m overstepping the mark, particularly if I try to turn it into Blackpool illuminations what with the whole cost of living crisis ongoing.

He owns his home mortgage free, but if I’m being entirely honest I don’t love being there. I find it dark with little natural light, and not particularly cosy. I’d love to add umpteen table lamps and soft furnishings etc to make it more to my taste, but then I worry he’s going to think I’m overstepping the mark

Have you even talked about this? He wants you to live with him, so I'd be willing to bet he would want you to feel comfortable. He may be very happy for you to make changes. You could also make plans to buy a new home together after a couple of years.

I'll be honest, it kind of seems you're looking for problems that aren't even there. Do you really want to be with him?

I do love him, and I enjoy being in his company. I think what this decision means is me uprooting my life, leaving my family and friendships and a job I enjoy, and ultimately I’m not sure what he’s offering on the table. To be his lodger? Early on in the relationship we had a discussion about what we want from a relationship and for a future, and I said that I felt pretty categorical about marriage, and until marriage then ultimately you are two single people (for legal/practical purposes.) I’m just concerned that if I move in, I’m in a vulnerable position, with me being the person who’s expected to bend to his life.

I agree with you about marriage, and if you feel that strongly, I wouldn't move until you're married.

I think you need to have some serious conversations with him about where this is going and what you both want. You've been together 18 months, and at your ages it's time to lay it all out on the table.

and ultimately I’m not sure what he’s offering on the table

What stops you asking him? How can it be 'crunch time' if you don't know what he's wanting to do?

He did state he wasn’t against marriage, which is why the relationship continued.

I think he probably believes moving in is a natural stepping stone to marriage, and I don’t disagree with that in principal, but obviously relocating is a rather big stepping stone that I alone would be making.

I think he probably believes

You can't base a relationship, or any relationship decisions, on this level of uncertainty. Why aren't you asking him to tell you clearly how he wants things to be?

You really need to start communicating with him. You need to tell him exactly what you want/expect, and he can tell you the same. Honestly, you're just wasting a lot of time right now by not making things clear.

Why don't you move to the countryside outside of his city into a lovely place of your own? Best of both worlds?

How did you first meet when living 3/4 hours away?

We met through a mutual friend who I was visiting in a pub one evening, hit it off and the rest is history!

He lives in London, I live in a rural part of the north of the country. I doubt I’d be able to finance a property purchase solo anywhere in London (or anywhere that could be considered the country in the surrounding area.)

thank you for allowing me to remunerate over this, I become frustrated with myself and I’m not really sure what my ‘issue’ is. Is it just being in London full stop, or is it just fitting in to his existing life.

Have you been on holidays together, to somewhere that is neither of your local locations ?

What do you both want for the future ?

It seems that you are doing most of the travelling

Long distance relationships are not the same as living together permanently

Do you want children? How old are you?

Why not just carry on dating ... to be honest (& we've only got your side of the situation) it sounds as if he wants the convenience of a younger woman to move into his existing lifestyle bed and he can just carry on as he is. When I met my now DH we were in a long distance relationship but we both knew we wanted to get married and buy a house together (we both owned our own homes). We sold our individual homes and bought a new place together in a new location.

I would be very cautious in your situation... it's huge deal to relocate from a lovely home in the North, close to your family and friends ... to move to London to be with a guy who doesn't even appear to want to marry you (is he divorced? Are there DC involved?)