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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional abuse?

52 replies

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 10:18

Hi I’m posting for some advice really I’ve been with my partner for 5 years we have a two year old daughter, we both have two sons of our own mine 14 and his 8. Since my baby was born he’s changed for the past two years he questions where I’ve been when I tell him I’ve been out with my sister he says we go out to get looks of men and Shopping addiction. He calls me bad names just a few fat, Mong, ugly, saggy. We go out and he accuses me of looking at other men and most of the time unless we’re somewhere secluded I walk looking at the floor, hel go away for weeks and block me silence me. On the weekend we had his son around who was crying because he said he didn’t want to sleep at nans he wanted to go home to be in bed with his mum very upset. I suggested him to hug him as he was really upset, my partner stood up called me a f**cking Mong and told me to shut up dog. Then walked out with his son come back to collect his sons bag I walked to the front door to wave goodbye to his son and is son was laughing.
sorry it long just wanting to know if this sounds like some emotional abuse

OP posts:
Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 12:52

Chickenvoice she’s actually told me to keep daughter away

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/11/2022 12:52

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 12:36

winging Life I am within my rights just to keep her away from him?

Yes, but he's also within his rights to apply to court for contact so keep every bit of evidence you have.

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 12:57

true I’ve kept everything backed up messages etc

OP posts:
CallieQ · 24/11/2022 12:58

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 10:18

Hi I’m posting for some advice really I’ve been with my partner for 5 years we have a two year old daughter, we both have two sons of our own mine 14 and his 8. Since my baby was born he’s changed for the past two years he questions where I’ve been when I tell him I’ve been out with my sister he says we go out to get looks of men and Shopping addiction. He calls me bad names just a few fat, Mong, ugly, saggy. We go out and he accuses me of looking at other men and most of the time unless we’re somewhere secluded I walk looking at the floor, hel go away for weeks and block me silence me. On the weekend we had his son around who was crying because he said he didn’t want to sleep at nans he wanted to go home to be in bed with his mum very upset. I suggested him to hug him as he was really upset, my partner stood up called me a f**cking Mong and told me to shut up dog. Then walked out with his son come back to collect his sons bag I walked to the front door to wave goodbye to his son and is son was laughing.
sorry it long just wanting to know if this sounds like some emotional abuse

Sounds awful... you should leave

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 13:02

When my daughter was born I had her through c section two days after I was home I was sat on sofa with my baby and he was out my phone died and didn’t even think I was sat there with my new baby. He comes in and says I was talking to someone cheating on the phone that’s when it started. I’ve never give this man any reason to cheat even before I was working quite a lot and was all for my son. That’s the very day it started since has just been a nightmare tbh

OP posts:
Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 13:10

I’m rambling but l a year ago in October my son was away with his dad so I booked a little two night break and me him and my daughter when we arrived he kicked off at staff because the cabin was too small so they moved us the second day. We was out all day sight seeing and when we got back they move d us to a new bigger cabin. I cooked us a meal baby was asleep so we got into bed then he jumped up and said did you read about this place before you booked and I said yes. There was incident were a poor women had died in a game gown wrong, it was soda law we got put in that cabin he phoned reception to be moved and they said they couldn’t as it was fully booked. As it was late I suggested we stay as daughter was asleep then at 2 i the morning he woke me up saying he’s seen a women in the corner of the room screamed at me packed us up at that time and drove home. Kicked off for days before going missing on 3 day bender

OP posts:
beonmywaythen · 24/11/2022 13:10

Yes that's abusive. So sorry OP. Get out.

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 13:11

You can write what whats been happening it’s quite concerning writing it down, but now I’m leaving nothing and no one is stopping me

OP posts:
Chapter111 · 24/11/2022 13:18

We split in april and I am so much happier but I still have a bruised heart as cheesy as that sounds. My health and bank account is much better and I am happy. I get to see friends and go out and just walk in peace lol..

I was at rock bottom in april. At my worst I walked up the garden path at 2am staring with tears down my face and I stopped at the gate. I thought what am I doing. I walked back into my house and screamed like a possessed nutter for ages. Crying like I baby. He really really really did a number on me. But I don't cry hardly ever now.

I battle in my head to not look on his social media. I cut a friend of and he added her on on Facebook to destroy me one last time. Allover photos of her. But I've learned his patterns and behaviours. Everyone just gives up on him. He's ruined several women's lives. He's broken marriages up. He's put exes on anti depressants.

He has one Ex that he was with 9 years. He cheated and lied to her all the way through. He had an easy life with her. Lived with her. Never paid towards the bills. Carried on recklessly spending his wages and threw in a few luxuries to keep the misses happy. But she wasn't happy and the 8th woman she saw him messaging behind her back was the final straw. She ended it. Anger over money and women. But the clever arse manged to lean on her still even when he moved out. So 4 years on she is still checking in on him and she gets jealous and wound up over his new relationships. He used to text her behind my back and rub her in my face but he knew how far to go before slagging her off so i always confused.

I have been through hell and if I can help one other woman get out of this kind of situation I will be happy.

Chapter111 · 24/11/2022 13:21

I also know about the block and unblock and block and unblock and I'm sorry. I have never had someone like you. I love you. I just get angry. Bla bla bla. Again it's manipulation because they know you will take the crumbs and just be relived they have back.

I'm ashamed to admit to comfort myself I used to say he will talk to me tomorrow because he will need some money and I felt money was my answer to fixing the silence.

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 13:23

I’m happy for the help someone to talk to I’m grateful for it. He sounds just like my ex as I now can call him

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Chapter111 · 24/11/2022 13:35

Yep they all work in a similar pattern. They find a woman and they charm her. They spoil her. They tell you things like your their soul mate. They seem amazing. Then they start bringing other women into the scenario into a triangle situation. They begin insulting you. Backhanded compliments. They start making you feel worthless by telling you other women look like this and you just do that. They get paranoid and bully you about phone use. About who yours friends with. Yet they're on dating apps and god knows what taking the phone to the bathroom to chat to other women. They are absolute loosers in every sense of the word.

Everything with my ex was exhausting. He made issues out of sex. He was never happy. Always complaining. Always skint.

Future faking all the nonsense of you wait until I've got money amd I'll get you this and that and we will go here.

I can laugh a little bit now. But therapist pointed out the next step might have been a slap.

If you want some suggestions.

A mind map and write facts around his name.

Get 2 pieces of paper. On one write down what you want from a relationship.
On the other write down what your relationship was.

My words I had to say to myself from my therapist was

It's over now.
He's gone.
I'm done with with that now.
He's toxic.

It's really difficult to go cold turkey..my ex did me a favour he blocked me for 5 months. After 9 weeks he didn't stand a chance. Before then I may have weakened..but now he could come back sniffing around today and I've lost all respect for him and so it wouldn't matter to me.

I never got my closure. I have so many questions and doubts. So much anger about how things were left. How he's spread lies and those lies were so disgusting when I had paid for him to live for months. They tend to destroy your reputation as a final kick in the teeth. But as long as you jeep an email trail or whatever amd stay firm. You have your bum covered.

I went to the police in july because I wanted it on record as he was saying some ridiculous stuff. He left property st my house for 4 months after and I ended up having to post it back to his family because I needed him gone. When he found out I had sent it he emailed me this angry message and said that I had stolen his passport and he was reporting me. He had made out he was too scared to get his own things and he says the police told him not to come near me alone so a cousin was going to drive 2 hours and gwt it for him. I told them both to get stuffed and sent it myself..ibwas absolutely sick of the games by then. But he probably wanted to leave it here for a way back in one day.

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 13:44

In the last week I’ve suddenly become more aware like woke up and realised I’m 33 now me and my kids deserve to be happy. I’m glad your feeling better now hopefully in a few month I can say the same thing ❤️

OP posts:
Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 13:46

his mum as offered to pick his things up and I’m keeping him blocked now

OP posts:
Chapter111 · 24/11/2022 13:51

I'm same age.

You just need to prepare yourself to feel terrible for a couple of months. But you must stick to your guns and say no. I'm done. I can't deal with you!

Good luck and you are not alone. I know your hurting but you will get through it just like I did. You won't ever be the same but it gives you a new set of boundaries and I think they will protect you. X

Chapter111 · 24/11/2022 13:52

Lean on your friends. Get out walking and try keep busy busy busy. YouTube look st Lee hammock and ask anuoshka great channels for this type of abuse x

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 15:06

I’l have a little look when the kids are in bed later, wish I had friends left after him x

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Chapter111 · 24/11/2022 17:19

You can get them back. My friends soon welcomed me back and Completely sympathised with me. they know he was abusing me and one in particular picked me up the day we ended and took me out for the day. The next months are about you fighting back for yourself and prepare for alot of ruminating and emotions. It's the worst feeling and it's Completely normal if you go over and over and hate him then miss him. It's crazy what comes out but it's so much better than dealing with the constant highs and lows.

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 17:26

Right now it’s a lot of hate for my self for letting it happen. I’m well and truly keeping him blocked and right now I don’t care what others say oh he’s still your daughter’s dad right now I don’t care. X

OP posts:
billy1966 · 24/11/2022 18:11

OP,
Keep that awful man away from yourself and your child.

Tell him to go to court.

His own mother has warned you to protect her.

For goodness sake take her advice.

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 18:15

I’ve made the first step by blocking him and well and truly listened to his mum.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 24/11/2022 18:30

His own mother is telling you to stay away from him, listen to her. Get in touch with women’s aid and get this abuse documented. He will keep on doing this, he won’t change and plenty of us have lost loved ones but it’s no excuse to treat those around us like crap

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 18:36

zanatdy I know it’s so draining because he’s always made me feel bad for him excuse after excuse, I’m just so tired mentally and physically

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Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 18:38

his mum told me she would never say anything as he’s 6.3 and big and I’ve heard him in her house calling her a bad mum for having his sister and neglecting him (not true )

OP posts:
serene12 · 24/11/2022 18:41

Please, please contact Women’s Aid. The most dangerous time for a domestic abuse victim is when they have started to block contact, leave the perpetrator etc. The perpetrator will increase the abuse as they are losing control of their victim.
Women’s Aid will also advise you about keeping your children safe.